It’s time to figure out how to build an emotional bank account.
Understanding The Individual
What might be perceived as a deposit through the eyes of you might not constitute as one for someone else. Better yet, it might even be a withdrawal. Going on a walk, eating ice cream, or doing an activity out of ‘guilt’ will further dampen the account.
Stephen Covey talked about having a friend who was a college professor. He had a terrible relationship with his teenage son. This man’s entire life was academic, and thought his son was wasting away his life by using his “hands” instead of using his mind. As a result, he was constantly on the boy’s back, and, in moments of regret, he would try to make deposits that just didn’t work. What happened more was the boy began perceiving his gestures to be even more rejecting.
So, after Stephen spoke to him about this, he decided to engage with his son in a project to build a Wall of Chin around their home. Ridiculous time consuming, but the bonding experience occurred whereas that son moved through that phase in his life and into an increased desire to develop his mind.
Our tendency is to project out of our own autobiographies what we think other people want or need. We project our intentions on the behavior of others. We interpret what constitutes a deposit based on our own needs and desires, either now or when we were at a similar age or stage in life. If they don’t interpret our effort as a deposit, our tendency is to take it as a rejection of our well intentioned effort and to give up. – Stephen Covey
“Do unto others as yo would have others do unto you.”
Attending To The Little Things
There was a time Stephen took his sons out for a memorable day trip involving gymnastics, wrestling matches, hotdogs and other things. At the end of the day, they were watching a movie when Stephen realized one of his sons fell asleep. The older brother and Stephen kept on watching until the end. When it was over, he picked up his son, put a coat around him and walked him to the car. He then realized after getting home that his six-year-old son began to go through withdrawals. In the car ride home, Stephen tried asking him questions and the answers were very bland. He wondered what was going on until the very end of the night, his son, who was sleeping in the other bed, turned around with tears and quivering lips and chin before asking, “Daddy, if I were cold, would you put your coat around me, too?”
Of all the events that happened that day, the most important one was a little act of kindness.
What a powerful, personal lesson that is. I felt the same way when my mother obtained her income tax and took us to “The tower.” She bought my brother videos games and when I asked for a pair of shoes, my brother influenced her decision and said no. The entire ride home I was crying, at the age of 15, because I felt she cared more about my brother than I. People, including myself, are very tender and sensitive inside.
I’ve talked about this subject quite a few times already. When you cancel over and over and over, the person’s tolerance level will only go so high. That feeling of distrust and “you don’t care about me” begins to amplify until someone just gives up. This has happened a lot with me in Thailand. I canceled my friend on so many different occasions, her ultimately going on a rant and pity party saying, “you don’t give a s*** about me.” I felt terrible. If you can’t keep your promise, don’t promise to begin with!
This is one of those subjects that happen all the time, especially at work. When someone wants to know their job description and how much they need to do, they can get into a verbal battle with their boss, resulting in an argument that happens over and over and over again. This happens because of ambiguous expectations around goals and roles.
That’s why it’s so important whenever you come into a new situation to get all the expectations out on the table. People will begin to judge each other through those expectations. And if they feel like their basic expectations have been violated, the serve of trust is diminished. We create many negative situations by simply assuming that our expectations are self-evident and that they are clearly understood and shared by other people. – Stephen Covey
Apologizing Sincerely When You Make A Withdrawal
- I was wrong.
- That was unkind of me.
- I showed you no respect.
- I gave you no dignity, and I’m deeply sorry.
- I embarrassed you in front of your friends and I had no call to do that. Even though I wanted to make a point, I never should have done it. I apologize.”
It takes a great deal of strength to apologize quickly.
I was eating my favorite pizza in the world and salad when my staff came in five minutes before class began to bring students inside. I told her, “I’m eating.” Both her, and the maid, completely disregarded my comment; so this resulted in my standing up, grabbing my belongings in haste and storming out of the class. In doing so, she asked me, “are you ok?”
I retorted, “all I wanna do is eat my pizza and peace and I can’t even do that.”
She came in a couple minutes later (when I went into the computer room) and apologised. Later, I felt bad and I apologized, too. I told her if I don’t eat and get interrupted while trying to get energy in my body, I have a tendency of exploding. OOPS!
Hopefully these things will help you guys going forward and my podcast is down below!