Sexual Mask: Part IV – What Can You Do Now?

Lewis Howes talked in his book about being raped when he was 5 years old.  There was another instance when he was on the football team where at 3:30 in the morning, he woke up to find his pants half-way down and a girl trying to have sex with him.

Through the eyes of most men reading this – you might thing or might have thought that’s a dream come true.  See, every woman is warned about these near-rape experienced, and men completely shrug off the fact that it can happen to them.

There was one morning during the 2006 Worldcup when I was walking to my friend Kristine’s house.  A man pulled up beside me, said hello and told me to “hop in.”  I thought it was Mr. Nadelson by quick glance, and I even said his name out loud.  However, when I got in the car, I knew it wasn’t him.  He started asking me if he could see my feet and asked me if I wanted to make a little money.  I told him to pull-over and I got out the car quickly, not telling anyone about the experience for about three years.  Now the world knows.

Another instance was on a sunny afternoon.  I was much smarter at this point versus being an 18-years-old, naive youngster.  It had to be between 2009-2011; sometime before I went to Australia on a working holiday visa.  Keep in ming that I live in a predominantly African American neighborhood, people.  A car pulled up beside me – a nice one – and a man asked me where “Big 5” was.  It was odd because I’m asking myself, “no offence, but what’s an Anglo male doing in a neighborhood like this asking about a store that’s more than 10-20 miles away?”  He was rubbing his shades, had a belly, and looked very odd.  He then asked if I needed a ride home, and of course, my home being just on the other side of the wall, I smiled and declined.  Did I report him? No…I should have, because I’m a little bit ashamed to have let a pedaphile getaway like that.

Situations like these, man or woman, need to be talked about.  Only a handful of people in my life know about these two situations, and now I’m able to tell everyone because it could help someone in a country that doesn’t have a system in terms of sex offenders like the United States.

Most men, too, are scared of telling these stories because they fear of having something derogatory said about them.

What Can You Do Right Now?

“Sex is the perfect way to avoid emotions. It feels close and intimate, but sex allows a man struggling behind his Sexual Mask to compartmentalize those emotions and focus only on the physical aspects of sex. The problem with a singular focus on the physical part of sex is that it will never be enough.”

Excerpt From: Lewis Howes. “The Mask of Masculinity.” iBooks.

Absolutely right.  If you have sex, especially within the first week, there’s nothing else to look forward to.  Have you men, who are reading this, ever felt this before? Like before you have sex, there should be a build-up.  The sexual desire and the increased arousal is what it’s all about.  “The process.”  If you do it the first couple of nights, there’s nothing else to look forward to, right?

A man trapped behind this mask is always on the verge for looking for the newest conquest.  The next girl in line.  I see tons of men suffering from this in Thailand.  There’s one teacher I used to work for who was heading home to his girlfriend one day, came across me, and started showing me photos of women who he’s been sleeping with.  It’s terrifying.

What’s Available?

Inner peace
Worthiness
Fulfilling intimate relationships
Feeling grounded
True partnership”

Figure out what you are avoiding. Is it responsibility? Self-worth? Intimacy, connection, pain, joy, or satisfaction? Are you dealing with a huge void or an overabundance of something you don’t know how to handle? Make a list of those things you might be avoiding, and then create an action plan and the next steps you are committed to creating, and by when.

For example: I’ve been avoiding having a conversation with my girlfriend, and I’m going to call her tomorrow . . . whatever it is, write it down.
And really be honest with yourself about whether retreating behind this Sexual Mask has improved your life.

The key to figuring all this out is learning how to be alone. How to love yourself. You need to be in a relationship with yourself first. When you’re looking for love and validation from the outside, you inevitably lose yourself and the ability to cultivate self-love because nothing inside you seems as valuable as what you get from someone else. You’ll never get enough from the outside to fill the void created on the inside, and so you must learn how to be happy by, and with, yourself.” – Lewis Howes

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