So, after my blog has gotten a significant amount of views over the years (as well as podcast plays), I’ve finally put together a video course to teach everyone about The Emotional Bank account. With loads of actionable items, this could be your introduction into personal development/self-improvement. Because we’re always engaged in communication, whether it’s family & friends, colleagues, etc…we’re unaware of the emotional damage we may be causing because of our continual withdrawals. In this course, there are six sub-areas you’re going to learn and build on.
Understanding The Individual
Attending to The Little Things
Showing Personal Integrity
Apologizing Sincerely When You Make a Withdrawal
At the completion of this course and with the actionable steps at the conclusion of each video, you will begin to take significant strides in putting more into your daily relationships.
Restoring trust on the societal level means rebuilding trust in countries, institutions, industries, professions, and in other people generally. it includes counteracting suspicion and cynicism and replacing it with contribution, value creation, and ethical behavior.
Stephen M. Covey
Wow, kind of a big one, right? I mean how can we rebuild trust in institutions? They’ve been milking citizens for years while putting them in heavy debt.
How about countries? Can I restore trust in Thailand? Well, with proper documentation, no one has the right to ask me about any form of documentation unless I’ve done something wrong.
Professions? Tough to restore trust in teachers because I know the “teachers” here have a more insidious agenda. If I go back to the Americas, I know that the majority of them perpetuate bullying and they also perpetuate bad education (or maybe old education that is no longer suitable for a rapidly changing society).
What we can control, though….
Contribution: regardless of everything that has happened to you and the things you’ve gone through both in the education realm and living in countries where you’ve been marginalized, make a contribution. If you believe something needs to be addressed, fill the need.
Value Creation: I was recently listening to Jay Shetty when he was on stage at MindValley’s A-Fest and he talked about creating value through education, but also have a deeper meaning that’s involved within his content. Very powerful stuff. How can you create value, for free, and plant the seeds today so that they can blossom tomorrow?
Building your brand. Talk task, right? Let’s start off with some basic questions.
Who do you want to be seen as online?
What is your message?
What is it you’re trying to build and help people with?
It’s always the “help.” Understand when you’re trying to become an entrepreneur, the moment you start thinking about your own pockets, you lose. The new wave of entrepreneurs seek to help people who are in need of something specific.
Depending on what country you’re on, be careful. I’m saying this because my brand online is known as The Arsenio Buck Show or anything Arsenio Buck. Now, can people defame me? Can they throw shame on my name? No, they have zero firepower, unless they are Thais bringing up things I said about 5 years ago — which I won’t apologize for (and in regards to the racism I’ve been through).
When it comes to Business Brand, there are some big questions I must address. If I quit a single job at a bank here in Thailand, how much can that hurt my name? Well, I would never be able to work for the company ever again because I’m using my name (brand) to work there. However, there isn’t a distaste when you actually hear the name Arsenio Buck. It’s more like, “oh, he’s the teacher that quit because he was sick of being treachered, two-faced and snowballed by everyone.” Not, “omg, he tried seducing his students,” (you’d be surprised what some nasty FOREIGNERS do here).
Nonetheless, if you already have a brand, here are some questions you need to ask.
Does my brand have Integrity? Do we have a reputation for honesty? Do we have values people believe in and can trust? Do we have a reputation in the market for courageously addressing tough issues quickly and for honestly admitting and repairing mistakes?
Does my brand demonstrate good intent? Are we perceived as simply “out to make a profit,” or do people feel that we genuinely care, that we want to help others win?
Does my brand demonstrate Capabilities? Do people associate our name with quality, excellence, continuous improvement, and the ability to change to maintain relevance in a global economy age? Are we recognized as having the ability to accomplish our objectives in ways that build trust?
Is my brand associated with Results? Do people feel we deliver what we promise? Is a good track record associated with our name? Are people willing to answer “yes!” ?
We’re back with family organizations and the speed of trust! Everything I’ve talked about up to this point, in this chapter, applies just as powerfully to the family as it does to any other organization.
Families have greater trust when they are aligned, when they have structures and systems that recognize values and reward high-trust behavior, when they have symbols that communicate the paradigms that create high-trust relationships.
Food for thought…
The rewards system: When he wins a game, you have a huge celebration and take him out to dinner. When he brings home an A, you merely say, “Good job!”
The communication system: Every week you ask him excitedly, “when’s the next game?” You talk about his grades only once a quarter when report cards come out.
The decision-making system: Everything you do as a family is based on the next game, the next event. Grades are never a part of the decision.
The structure: Your son makes his own decisions relative to when he goes to bed, how much television he watches, and how much time he spends with his friends — regardless of his grades.
I thought this was super interesting. Although I’m not for grades or anything that pertains to academics, given the fact that everything can now be searched on google, but the fact that we put more focus on particular things then we do others. When a child, and as this particular child grows up, he ends up noticing that sports is more important than anything else, including family? Perhaps!
Does our family have Integrity? Are the values clear, and do rules and guidelines (structures and systems), and the behavior of the parents support those values? Is there an environment of honesty and humility? Do family members have the courage to express their ideas and opinions freely, and do they do so with respect?
Does our family have good intent? Have we structures a culture of respect and caring? Is the agenda mutual benefit, or is it just the adults, or children, who win? Do our systems reward cooperation?
What are our family’s capabilities? Does the structure provide for and encourage development and growth? Is it safe to learn by making mistakes? Are systems in place to help children develop the life skills they will need to succeed as adults?
What Results does our family produce? Are systems in place to create joy in shared accomplishment? Is there an abundance of rich interaction, support, and love? Are family members achieving important goals, both individually and as a family?
As promised in my podcast, this is the action plan with behaviors 1-13 and here’s an excerpt, along with the action plan, so you can figure out what needs to be done intrinsically.
In the beginning of this 13 behaviors section, I used a personal challenge for you to make this material highly relevant and actionable by identifying two relationships — one professional and one in personal — in which you wanted to build trust. I said that at the end of the section, I would give you the opportunity to look back, determine which two or three behaviors would make the greatest difference, and create an action plan to create change.
Well, here we are. If you didn’t do it before, I encourage you to do it now. This is where you can make decisions that will build trust, that will transform taxes into dividends, that will improve your relationships with two people, and — geometrically — with many others, as well.
Many people find it helpful to use a chat such as this one below. If this approach works for you, I suggest you start with one relationship. Go over the behaviors. Mark on the continuum where you think you are now with regard to each one. Then go back and circle the two or three behaviors that you feel will make the greatest positive difference.
Identify one or two next steps for each of those behaviors to create change. You may want to use one of the Trust Tips at the end of each chapter, or you may come up with something that will work better in your situation. The key is to make the steps actionable and to make and keep a commitment to yourself to do them.
Then go back and do the same for the second relationship you chose.
As you create your plan, keep in mind that the quickest way to make a withdrawal is to violate a behavior or character; the quickest way to make a deposit is to demonstrate a behavior of competence. This may help you in determining how to most quickly build trust in your situation.
If you prefer to use a different approach to implementation, that’s fine. However, you may still want to look at the chart. It will give you an overview of all 13 Behaviors, including their opposites and counterfeits. It’s a good way to capture a vision of the way high-trust leaders interact with others.
It’s vastly important to understand how much accountability builds trust in culture. When leaders don’t hold people accountable, the opposite is true. People feel it’s unfair: “Well, look what he did….and he got off free!”
It creates a sense of disappointment, inequity, and insecurity. You see this a lot in families where discipline is inconsistent, where a parent will hold one child accountable and not another, or will hold a child accountable in one situation and not another.
This was probably one of my most disappointing moments in my life (that relates to my family). For whatever reason, my brother approached me at band practice and tried fighting me. It was funny because I was just standing on the field, waiting for the instructor to hit the “go,” and then my brother said something blatantly rude, like he always does.
I was like, “huh?” And then I defended myself when he got completely belligerent. So, his friend at the time, who’s still the biggest asshole today, took him home before me so he can tell my mother what happened. I got home and both my mother and him teamed up on me. She literally listened to his story without hearing my side, even if she knew how manipulative he was. This is an example of her holding me accountable for something I didn’t do versus sitting us both down and saying, “hey, enough. What happened — happened. Get up stairs.”
Listen to your language and to your thoughts. When things go wrong and you find yourself blaming or accusing others, stop. Draw back and ask yourself, How can I close the window and focus on the mirror? In your mind, compare the difference in establishing trust between an approach of blaming and pointing fingers versus an approach of taking personal responsibility.
At work, Practice Accountability by holding your direct reports accountable for their actions. Always clarify expectations first so that everyone knows what they’re accountable for and by when. When people account to you, allow them to evaluate themselves first against the results you’ve agreed upon (most people will be tough on themselves than you’ll be); then follow through with the agreed-upon or natural consequences of people performing (or not). Remember, the people you rely upon most in your company — the performers — like to be held accountable and want others to be held accountable, too.
Look for ways to create an environment of accountability in your home. Set up trust talks with your partner on matter you’ve agree to work together on, such as finances. Create agreements with your children concerning their responsibilities at home, and include consequences — both natural and logical, both good and bad. Follow through on your agreements. Give family members a person — and a culture — they can trust.
Practicing accountability. Man, how hard is it to be accountable for other people’s actions? I mean, it’s easy to say “hey, you’re not performing on the job. Please get your act together!” But if you’re selling and getting clients, but you never come through because you don’t have the teachers to deliver the results….you LOSE!
Old Job Marketing Executive
Ok, old job and a guy by the name of WHO CARES is great at telling the clients what they want to hear. He gets an enormous amount of clients around BKK. However, because he works for a language center that lacks the teachers that can deliver results, his reputation and capabilities take a significant hit.
That’s like most NBA/NFL franchises. They promise the world, salaries, help, championships, but they never deliver to those individuals who they promise. This is when you make a bad name for yourself.
At some stage of my career, I’m going to probably have to employ staff (teachers), but this really scares the hell out of me because I know most aren’t capable of getting the job done. That’s why I would love to hold my own workshops, create my own courses, deliver all the materials by myself.
This behavior is built on the principles of accountability, responsibility, stewardship, and ownership. The opposite of this behavior is to not take responsibility, to not own up, but rather to say, “It’s not my fault.” Its counterfeit is to point fingers and blame others, to say, “It’s their fault.”
Seeking and effectively utilizing feedback are vital to quality improvement. In my own life, feedback has been a part of every successful endeavor I’ve been involved in, from internal surveys and external customer visits at work to regularly asking Jeri, “what can I do to make life better for you?” at home.
Appropriately seeking feedback and acting on it is the hallmark of learning, growing, innovating company. Marriott International sends me an email feedback request nearly every time i stay at one of their hotels. Amazon.com asks me to rate every order I place through a third-party seller, and my feedback becomes part of that affiliate’s performance rating. Almost all large organizations do some type of employee feedback survey, asking questions about employee satisfaction, engagement, etc. What differentiates the best from the good companies is not whether they ask the questions, it’s how they respond to answers.
Feedback is so vital to improvement that, as I’ve said, we’ve included an in-depth 360 degree trust feedback instrument as part of our Speed of Trust programs.
Stephen Covey – Speed of Trust
Guys, went it comes to seeking advice, you have to seek advice from the right people.
Let me give you a great example of seeking good advice and bad advice.
Harry = Bad Advice
Harry considered himself many things, but being a coach certainly wasn’t one of them. As pompous as he was, if I asked him a question about something testy, he would say “you don’t know the answer to that?” He would then conjure up that I was incapable because of the question, therefore taking would-be classes away from me. Not to mention, he would tell his over 60 buddies how incompetent I was.
Bad advice from a bad person.
Richard/Another Teacher (don’t know his name) = AMAZING advice!
Richard was already a sound mentor at the same test preparation course. He sat in a class while I was teaching and took notes about what I was doing. This was constructive criticism, but after having the meeting with him, I realize that was the best criticism I ever received in my life. His feedback was unbelievably VALUABLE and I even took notes. I wanted to further that and do a follow-up session, too. So, make sure you’re coachable, or at least willing to hear someone out.
I then asked another guy from England about something specific when it came to IELTS writing essays and then he brought out the books, information, and this guy was a pure god. He had taught the course over 4,000 hours. A genius. I was suppose to have a coffee/drink with him, but things got tangled up and I never worked there again because one, too far. Two, I’m not waiting for work. Waiting for money and waiting for someone to fill your pockets is the quickest way to demise.
If you want to establish a relationship with a client, what is one thing you can do to build trust the fastest?
DELIVER THE RESULTS!
When I first started teaching at a language center and company, I would venture out to a part of town/street that I used to work on in my previous job. Get this, the new company was located just 1km down the street where I was fired — which lead to me quitting the job that had originally sent me there because of mistreatment.
Going down there was nostalgic, and I really didn’t want go down a road that had been closed in the previous 5 months, but because I did and delivered the results, the chirps happened.
What do I mean by that? Well, different institutions began contacting me around Bangkok saying, “we heard about you through _____________ and we heard you’re a great teacher.” That word-of-mouf happened and that took me to the next level because I DELIVERED RESULTS.
Results give you instant credibility and instant trust. They give you clout. They clearly demonstrate that you add value, that you can contribute, that you can perform.
In a separate story, when I got the results needed for my students to go to universities around the world, it created chatter amongst the toxic Gen B foreigner teachers at my previous job. They were scared: “does this mean he will get more IELTS test? But he can’t teach this…or that. So more pre-conceived notions came in and that’s when I began teaching outside because I knew what my capabilities were.
Results provide a powerful tool for building trust in your relationships with others.
I post all the results of specific tests online. Why? Because people then know if I can deliver. What’s a more reputable institution: Arsenio Buck, or The British Council? Well, I see Arsenio teaching on YouTube, podcasts, Facebook lives, and free live sessions on Facebook. He’s demonstrated that he knows what he’s talking about. British Council, on the other hand, doesn’t show her the teachers are, what they do, free coaching, and doesn’t provide services. It just provides a “check out” page on their website.
The opposite of Deliver Results is performing poorly or failing to deliver. The counterfeit is delivering activities instead of results.
It’s like the people who make fantastic presentations and exciting promises….but never come through.
A funny, but head-scratching example of this would be Ja Rule, an American Rapper who promised a Fyre Festival full of booze, resort villas, 5-star gourmet food, and more. He delivered refugee tents, food in styrofoam boxes, and out-houses. What’s more shocking is people were bamboozled not only once, but three times! They didn’t learn the first time; therefore, he did it again, and again….and now people finally know how scandalous he is.
Another example would be a place I worked for before. In short, my student got a 7 on a speaking test. She paid an ABSURD AMOUNT OF MONEY at a famous institution and it went down to a 6. She learned with me again and shot up to a 7.5 on her speaking test.
So, going forward, I can NEVER recommend that language institution because they didn’t deliver the results.
In Create Transparency, as in all of the behaviors, there must be a responsible balance. Particularly in public companies, there are certain things the law does not allow you to disclose to anyone unless it can be disclosed to everyone. There are other things that are confidential and inappropriate to disclose.
So, again, strengthening the 4 Cores will keep you in the “sweet spot” on the bell curve, and that all of these behaviors work together to balance one another out.
At work and at home, periodically ask yourself, am I withholding information that should be shared? If so, ask yourself why. Consider the tax you may be paying as a result. Think about dividends you could be getting by being more transparent.
If you’re in a position of leadership at work, rate the transparency of your organization with regard to your various stakeholders. Then consider each situation and ask yourself: if we were more transparent, what difference would it make? Look for ways to appropriately increase transparency — and trust dividends!
If you share something with someone like a boyfriend or girlfriend — consider how transparent you are in dealing with financial issues. Keep in mind that money matters are still listed by many as a primary cause of divorce. If you’re not transparent concerning your financial priorities, decisions, and spending, ask yourself why. Strengthening your 4 cores will not only help you act and interact with your partner in more transparent ways, it will also increase your ability to work toward a unified approach.
Tell the truth in a way people can verify. Get real genuine.