Coaching Session: Episode 004 – Toxic Family & Not Sure What To Do?

You know, I’ve talked about this on a number of occasions. How to veer and steer clear of negative human beings, even if they’re your family.  This is one of the toughest decisions any human being can make.  Did I think I would ever have to make a decision like this? Not in a million of years.  However, after an almost-fight with my brother in the living room of my home back in 2007 about the “Law of Attraction,” I realized that there was no way I can talk about these types of things with him anymore.  On one occasion, my mother asked if something was true and I said, “how do you think I got to Australia?”

No pun intended, but if I had consulted my family before my trip, I wouldn’t have gone to Australia to begin with.  My brother said angrily, “what the hell you going to Australia for?”

In brief, when I came back from actually LIVING in Australia, my older sister’s face had localized swelling. My mother was complaining about work mates, and my brother had three balls in his back, resulting in surgery.  My family was in a dark abyss and I couldn’t be rescue 911 this time.  I told myself, “it’s either my life, or I will fall into misery for the rest of my life.” That was the action.

I threw my bose headphones over my ears and cancelled out the noise, which brings me to number 1.

Make Positivity In Your Head Loud

It’s easier said than done, and people are often held back on life because memories that they are attached to — memories that are bad and continue recreating a life in the future — also known as having a predictable future.  How can you make it loud? Throw your headphones on, don’t take things seriously and read/listen to Dale Carnegie’s How to Stop Worrying and Start Living. 

If you actually look at your life from your outerself, you will realize that life isn’t too bad.  That’s number one.  Number two, unless someone is physically abusing you, you are in control of how you react to situations.  You’re either positive or negative; reactive or proactive; on offense or defense.  Leading up to my departure (to come here to Thailand), my family and I were LIGHT YEARS apart.  I would stay away from them as much as possible because I would feel the jealousy, animosity, hate, bigotry, you name it.  It was a tenacious force that I couldn’t overcome, but I made a promise to myself that when I leave this native Las Vegas today, I will NEVER return to see them.

On the day of leaving, my mother cried.  I thought they were fabricated because she sure as hell didn’t show any of that the entire year I was there.  When I first went to university, my mother cried from her heart at the airport with my uncle.  When I left this time, it felt as if she was forced to cry to show her feelings.  Everything I experienced over the year, especially with the amount of anger coming out of my brother, had to be banished forever — and so it was.

Are They Helping You, or Killing You?

Simple question.  Are you growing or dying? If you were to stay around them any longer, would the situations escalate even more? What kind of small steps can you take? Yes, you can try having a heart talk, but if has been perpetuated for years, the conditioning is imbedded into the DNA…..they believe.

Don’t Jump In, Ease In

When I had the ordeal happen with my family, it was a long period of time.  It wasn’t just a huge BANG and everything ended. That could be very daunting for a lot, emotional, and neither party wins.  If you just ease out of the toxicity on a nightly basis and talk to friends who encourage you to become better, this can go a long way.

Listen to “Coaching Session: Episode 004 – Toxic Family & Not Sure What To Do?” on Spreaker.

Masks of Masculinity: Season 1: Episode 2 – What Can You Do Right Now To Remove The Alpha Mask

“The first step to shedding this mask is, in a way, just embracing that fact. Just give yourself enough gut-check moments about the kind of behavior you see around you. It isn’t enough to see it; you’ve got to see it and then have a reaction that’s more critical than complimentary.” – Lewis Howes

Honestly, your true friends don’t give a damn about how “alpha” you are.  All it takes is for a male to say that “one time” and I’ll switch him off and can him in no-time.  Alpha Males honestly pile a lot of pure pressure on their peers.  I saw my brother succumb to pure pressure back in 2000 when his friend, Brandon, told him to spoke a cigarette.  When I saw him smoking a cigarette, I was amazed.  What is this 14-year-old kid doing smoking a cigarette; let alone he’s my brother.

Now that I think of it, all of these alpha males my brother is or was friends with ultimately took him down a path he never wanted to go down.  There was a Puerto Rican, ego-maniacal friend my brother had by the name of Raf who would constantly demean me because I was the “younger” one.  The other friends my brother had at the beginning of his young adulthood had already committed crimes, or they were into drugs, smoking weed and playing videos games all day.  What my brother thought was “cool” was a disease he was slowly drowning himself in.

Now that you know the situations, now it’s time to breakdown what you can actually be free of if you remove this mask.

Win-win scenarios
Being the hero who lifts others up
The joy of being in service
Empowering others around you
Letting go of being in control
Freedom
Deeper sense of love

“Work for win-win scenarios in every possible circumstance. Use your energy to win and empower others to win. Instead of looking for things that separate us, look for things that unite us. Instead of looking for evidence that your way is the only way, try other people’s ways. Listen, connect, and hear other people’s ideas. A true leader doesn’t need to be right in order to feel worthy; he is able to see the best idea from anyone and bring it to light.”

Excerpt From: Lewis Howes. “The Mask of Masculinity.” iBooks.

What does winning mean to you? What does losing mean to you? If you look at all the NFL players, they’re obsessed with winning and hate losing.  Losing is the greatest part of life…and this is how a lot of them are sucked into wearing the Alpha Mask.

I lose everyday in Thailand.  I lose at getting the typical passerby’s respect.  That’s my loss, and I love it.  I’m a man who’s not afraid of showing his emotion.  When I cross the line at the Spartan Beast later on this year, I will cry.  I’ll go on Instagram stories and show my emotions to the world, too.  That doesn’t make me any less of a man than Ray Lewis. Your self-worth shouldn’t be wrapped up in winning.

 

 

Aggressive Mask: Part IV – What Can We Do Right Now?

“In the middle of my conversation with Ray Lewis, I asked him about his definition of a man and whether it had evolved as he got older, had kids, became successful, and ultimately retired. By way of answering my question, he told me a story about when he came to a deeper understanding of the challenges the men in his family have faced.

He was 33 years old. He’d reengaged with his long-absent father, and his father wanted him to meet a man named Shady Ray Whitehead who lived in some little trailer 6 hours outside of Charlotte, North Carolina. He had no idea where they were going or who this man was they were visiting, but when they arrived, he and his father walked in and his father said, “Meet your grandfather.”

Ray sat on the floor while his dad sat on the couch, and they talked. One of the first things out of his father’s mouth was a question to his grandfather that had also run through Ray’s head nearly every day of the first 17 years of his life: “Dad, why’d you leave me?” To say this blindsided Ray would be an understatement.

“Ray sat with this information for a while, listening to his father and grandfather, and started to think about the men in his family who struggled in their relationships. Ray’s realization is something out of a novel, or a sermon:

This is a generational curse, man. My son is 21, I’m 41, my father is 61, my grandfather’s 81. His father is 101. Five generations. Twenty years apart. What are we doing? I rode back home with my father for 6 hours while he kept talking, and I never said a word. When I got done listening to him, I said to him: “You know what a man is? A man accepts all of the wrongs, never complains, forgives, and then moves on.” That’s what a man does, because you can never replace him not being at a football game. Never replace him not being to a wrestling match, or a track meet. Beat up by a group of kids? You can never replace him not being there. You can never replace that. So what you can replace is you can replace it with moving on.”

“This is our work to do. The rewards are, indeed, waiting for us, but they will not make themselves known until we begin the process of dropping our Aggressive Mask.”

Replace it with moving on.  It’s time to top off the chapter with my own story.

My father, in 1999, dropped my brother, my sisters, and I off at a doorstep of a house before driving away.  He said, “knock on the door and ask for your mother.”  We did, and he sped off, not seeing him again for the ensuing months.  It was odd, me being only 11 years old and living in more than 5 different households over a year span.

In 2000, I saw someone walking down the street and said, “that looks like my dad!”  Minutes later, I went back home and I was right.  It was my father….and him being in the same household as my mother, went nuts.  Not necessarily on his end, but my mother bursts into anger anytime she hears the name “Willie.”  He wanted “in” our lives, and so my mother granted that if we wanted it.

I remember he was on the phone and I was suppose to go to him that weekend.  I said, “dad, do you have the video games?”  What sounded like video games weren’t, but my father was a master at lying.  After naming three videos games, the third one being my favorite, I bursted into tears of joy before going upstairs to tell my mom.  My mother eavesdropped on the conversation because you could do that by picking up the other line 18 years ago.  I told her what my father got and she said, “he didn’t get you those games. He’s lying.”

I said, “you never did anything for us.”

She cried.

I felt absolutely wretched….even more wretched because she was telling the truth.  My dad was a liar from day 1 and I never knew it until of course that day.  I remember seeing him maybe late 2000 after he came over.  After that, I never saw him again, only hearing his voice on a bus in 2007 and looking square into his eyes in another incident (on the bus) one year later.

I’m blaming him for being the amazing man I am today.

“A man who struggles with aggression needs, first and foremost, to channel his energy and anger in a constructive direction. There are a number of ways to do this at a practical level:
▸Create a wrecking room in your house where you can get it out safely. Fill it with things to smash, push, hit, and pummel. If you can’t get a room, get a pillow. Beat the hell out of it. And repeat.
▸Do cathartic shouting exercises once a week. Scream it out!
▸Take a boxing class, work out, swim, or run.
▸Create an affirmation (e.g., “I’m a peaceful, joyful, loving man”) that you say when you want to break something or get aggressive. – Lewis Howes

Podcast

 

Aggressive Mask: Part II

“Unaddressed anger is the glue that keeps the Aggressive Mask stuck in place, starting very early and lasting, in many cases, for decades. There is research on this, and it testifies to how much young boys, in particular, are soaked in anger. For many of them, anger is the only emotion that is “acceptable” to express.” – Lewis Howes

Blueprints, right? I mean anger is taught.  No way in hell it’s genetics…thats just the genetic make-up of a human being.  Men develop an insurmountable amount of anger over years – I’m one of them.  I’m not sure when it started developing, but late 2003 – 2004, I was enraged.  When I played video games, I would cry when I lost because I thought the game was “cheating.”  My mom would scream at me and tell me to stop playing the game.  Of course this is a story I told in my podcast before, but this is the aggression and crazy amount of anger that I suffered from during my sophomore year of high school.

It wasn’t until I joined Track and Field when it changed.  Again, if I had joined football, I would’ve been talked about in this part of Lewis Howes book.

Ashley Burch, who’s a writer said “when an emotion sneaks in for a male character [in video games], by and large, it is anger. And any sort of grief is very, very underplayed and never actually discussed or processed. Kids end up really looking up to this character. And what they end up idolizing is someone who cannot express themselves emotionally, cannot be honest or open with anyone around them.”

I’ve had the privilege of not having such a tumultuous childhood involving physical abuse both inside and outside the home.  However, I must tell a story that no one actually knows about.

Back in 1997, my father took full custody from my mother and we hopped from one side of Las Vegas to another.  During that time, his second girlfriend, named Kim, had a song and daughter named Brandon and Emily.  This was a family of three from Missouri (a small town in the middle of nowhere).  I didn’t make anything of the pair initially, but then things started happening.  I can’t remember exactly where, but let’s just say it was in the second apartment we lived in.  Brandon would shout, “n*****” at me.  When this happened, I would beat the bricks out of him (lol – but it’s funny – a little).  He would come up with blood coming from his nose and his mom would scream, “what happened to you?!”

“Arsenio punched me.”

I then said, “you called me a N*****!”

……crickets…..

The mother couldn’t defend her son for using such a degrading word.

These were the times when my brother wasn’t around because of his constant anger issues, which he probably got from my mother at the time because of all household issues.  So, I would have to fight my way.  I was bullied a couple days until I retaliated the 3rd day.  This was the day, and only day when I hit another human bring outside of sibling rivalries.  The bully, by the name of Richard, was shoving me forward and backward — and out of impulse — I swung my arm right across the top of his nose, breaking it.

That was 1998.  Fast-forward it to 2001, my friend Billy, who’s still my best friend today, came to a huge disagreement while playing basketball.  In the moment, he began flailing his arms at my face.  I stepped back a few times and grabbed his shirt, swinging him all over the floor before his mother came out and yelled, “I’m gonna kick yal’s asses!”

How did I remain composed? Billy, who would constantly call me poor over the course of a year, deserved a pair of hands to be laid upon his face.  I never had the courage to do it.  Maybe because when I was younger, I saw my mother and father put knives in each other’s faces.  I was never a violent individual – even going back to the Brandon days.

On the other hand and with great respect, I feel my brother wasn’t the lucky one.  I truly believe that my brother ended up getting a piece of the “90’s” mother and father in him.  I recently talked to my sister and she says they never speak to him because he’s always angry.  He’s demanding.  Everything is always right to him….and this is why the relationship between him and I sailed a long time ago.  That anger has lead to destructive habits which he engages in everyday.  The fact that I believe he’s a compulsive gambler, betting on superficial sports games to make ends meet, is a very valid point.  When “little brother” tries inviting him into another world, he becomes angry, gets defensive, combative, and belligerent.

I played sports (Track & Field); but my brother, on the other hand, never played sports.  Could this be the reason why there’s a lot of animosity?

Podcast

https://www.spreaker.com/user/thearseniobuckshow/aggressive-mask-part-ii-stories-from-chi

Game Changers: Five Strategies For Eliminating Bad Habits

Your habits are learned; therefore, they can be unlearned. – Darren Hardy

It’s time to learn, unlearn, and relearn again.

You’re basically a boat/ship that’s anchored in.  For you to set sail in a new direction, it’s time to pull those anchors (bad habits) up, dispose of them, and drop new ones in (although you won’t sail…but you get the point).

You need to make that “why-power” strong enough that it overwhelms your urges for instant gratification.

  1. Identify your triggers.

Figuring out the 4 w’s: who, what, where, when.

  • Are you more than likely to act a certain way around certain people?
  • Is there a particular time of the day that you have something sweet?
  • Is there a particular meal that derails the rest of your accomplished meals?
  • What emotions tend to provoke your worst habits—stress, fatigue, anger, nervousness, boredom?
  • When do you experience those emotions? Who are you with, where are you, or what are you doing?
  • What situations prompt your bad habits to surface—going to work? Riding the bus? Coming in contact with specific individuals?
  • Take a closer look at your routines. What do you typically say when you wake up? When you’re on a coffee or lunch break? When you’ve gotten home from a long day?”

I’ve distanced myself from all teachers who I work with currently (for the next month) because I’m more prone to complain with them. I dropped out of the “whiney-bitch club” back in June of 2016, and I never looked back, either.

Between 1-4pm, I have a craving for my gummy bears.  Instead of having gummy bears by my side, I can have mixed fruit (natural sugar) instead — only if I prepare it.

Dinners, because they’re so late at night, completely throw off my entire day.  If I finish work at 7:40pm, I normally eat a very bad dinner if I don’t prepare thoroughly.  Moving to Bangkok and buying loads of grocers (because now I will have proper pantry space) is going to set me up for great breakfasts, lunches, and dinners.

I have an anxious feeling when I walk into my job.  Not only that, I’ve been having it for  year because my every move that’s being watched.  When I walk into those doors, I have a very peculiar feeling.  Sunday mornings, I walk pass the teachers room and see a group of men sitting in a circle talking about how bad life is.  What Did I Do: I found a new job and five new projects to get me out of a dead-end job.

Riding the bus gives me a very uneasy and tense-filled feeling.  What Did I Do: Today is the last day I’ll ever take the bus in Bangkok ever again (because geographical and demographic reasons).

What do I typically say when I wake up? Well, the past week has been stellar….so saying “thank you” is imbedded in my vocabulary book.  However, other people say “not again” on Monday morning.  What can you do to change that?

2. Clean House

“Get to scrubbin’. And I mean this literally and figuratively. If you want to stop drinking alcohol, remove every drop of it from your house (and your vacation house, if you have one). Get rid of the glasses, any fancy utensils or doo-dads you use when you drink, and those decorative olives, too. If you want to stop drinking coffee, heave the coffee maker, and give that bag of gourmet grounds to a sleepy neighbor. If you’re trying to curb your spending, take an evening and cancel every catalogue or retail offer that flies in through your mailbox or your inbox, so you won’t even need to muster the discipline to walk it from the front door to the recycle bin. If you want to eat more healthfully, clean your cupboards of all the crap, stop buying the junk food—and stop buying into the argument that it’s “not fair” to deny the other people in your family junk food just because you don’t want it in your life. Trust me; everyone in your family is better off without it. Don’t bring it into the house, period. Get rid of whatever enables your bad habits.”

Numbers 3-5 are in the podcast down below!

Podcast

Stoic Mask: Part II – What Can You Do Right Now?

“Men lag behind this shift because they are still learning how to talk openly with their partners and connect honestly with other men. We know what to do. We just don’t know how to do it. And until that changes, where does that leave us? That’s right. It leaves us alone.”

Excerpt From: Lewis Howes. “The Mask of Masculinity.” iBooks.

So, I have a confession.  Just recently I had a situation where I distanced myself after coming across a series of events that I just did not like.  It all started with an infestation of small bugs in my kitchen, which I was easily able to handle.  However, I had a headache later not hat evening and my significant other was saying things that were very agitating.  Woke up that morning and of course what happened the night before spilled into the next day, which was Saturday.  I went to work lackadaisical and I just didn’t get out of my own rut; what’s more, in the beginning of the day, I told her that I would be going on a media purge to stop the negative vibration from continuing.  It worked, but instead it hurt her feelings and she thought it was her that was the negative vibration.  Instead of just opening up and showing her how I truly felt the night before, it extended for a couple days (into Sunday morning) when it should’ve just ended Saturday morning.

This could be the sure driver to demise for all relationships.  Men, especially those who come from families where stern fathers are present, aren’t able to open up as easily as women because that would make them a “bitch.”

And when men decide to open up ,they open up to the wrong person.

If anyone can recall the scene from Bad Boys II when Marcus (Martin Lawrence) sat down next to Mike (Will Smith), they would giggle.  The Stoic mask was suddenly ripped right off Marcus; and instead of being a badass cop, he began talking to Mike about very personal matters, A.K.A. – Not Getting An Erection.  There was a couple of other things said, but it was one of the most hilarious funny and REAL scenes I’ve ever seen.  Some men just don’t open up to particular things, so they hurry up and tell the other person, “Ummmm we’re partners with boundaries.”  When that happens, that particular individual who tried opening up will never do it again.

“Dr. Brené Brown, author of the bestselling book Daring Greatly, points out that this is a step toward real gender equality and fairness. “Most women pledge allegiance to this idea that women can explore their emotions, break down, fall apart,” she said, “and it’s healthy. But guys are not allowed to fall apart.”

Have you ever seen a man have an emotional breakdown?  Society is becoming much more loose, thanks to the NCAA Basketball Tournament last year (and not thanks to the reporters) for shoving cameras down athletes faces after a tough loss.  These athletes were crying egregiously on camera and were made fun of by those pseudo-alpha males around America – however, I believe it was a turning point for society.  Men should be able to show their feelings in a very expressive way – just like women.

Who has heard of Tyrese?  Yes, the star of the Fast N Furious saga literally crying like no tomorrow on either an Instagram post or Facebook.  The world took by storm and told him to “man up” – so it ensues.

There are so many other examples I can use, but let’s get into the “what can I do Arsenio Buck” section of this.

What you’re doing right now is creating disease.  Diseased cells that will fester and compile over a many of years.  It’s creating anger.  It’s creating everything that’s synonymous to my previous sentences.  Expose yourself by being vulnerable. 

What will be available when you drop the Stoic mask?

  • Emotional freedom
    A weight off your shoulders
    Deeper relationships with men and women
    Healing
    A healthy heart
    Vulnerability
    The permission to feel
    Acceptance and belonging

And on top of that, here are some steps from Lewis Howes book that will guide you.

Step 1: Make a list of the five most painful moments of your life. Note what happened, and how you felt in each moment. Journal about it and go into detail. (An example could be: My dad was my best friend growing up, but he abandoned me when I was 6, and it left me devastated.)

Step 2: Once you’ve journaled about these painful moments, read them out loud to yourself. Give yourself permission to feel or to cry about them when you hear your own words. Play soft instrumental music during this process to facilitate your ability to reach your emotions as you allow your feelings to awaken.

Step 3: Share them. When you have accepted the truth of this pain and all these emotions, tell a friend, partner, or family member whom you trust. Part of removing the Stoic Mask is allowing other people to support you. The only way they can do that is if they know what’s going on. I’m a big believer that anyone who has experienced trauma in their past (and hasn’t ever discussed it with someone) will allow the trauma to grow in negative ways. You won’t be able to heal until you begin to share your story.

Step 4: Look into hiring a coach, therapist, or someone who is a specialist. Once you’ve shared your pain, you need to find someone who has experience with helping people understand their emotions and get comfortable with them. For those who really struggle behind the Stoic Mask, this is serious work and it requires a serious approach. But it is work that can start today, right now, with a piece of paper ”

Excerpt From: Lewis Howes. “The Mask of Masculinity.” iBooks.

Podcast

 

The High Cost of Getting Even

Throughout my life, my brother and I were never particularly fond of each other.  One would say that the opposite was always jealous of him, and the other would call the opposite a selfish person.

Over the years, both my brother and I had gone through the sibling rivalries, as most brothers do.  The constant fighting that ensued over 2 decades was just too much to bear any longer, so I found a small window of opportunity to say, “excuse me, thanks…but no thanks. I want to wish you the best of luck in your future endeavours and I’ll see you if we do ever cross paths again.”

Yeah, two decades of his constant psycho-babbling to my mother to try to convince her that I was a selfish human being.  I didn’t try getting even over the years, and thanks to what ever higher entity that stopped me from doing so, because it just wasn’t worth it in the end.

If I tried doing anything, especially during the heated exchanges in most commonly known as my mother’s living room, he would definitely react immediately.  You never want to try to fight fire with fire, as the saying goes.  I learned a great amount of self-control over the years and I’m fortunate enough to have removed myself from escalating  quarrels that would’ve resulted in cops being called (as they were once before).

No, I didn’t hold, and I continue not to hold a speck of hate in my heart of my brother; on the other hand, he can go on a ramble about how I want to keep all my hard-earned money to myself instead of giving the copious amounts to my mother.

When we hate people, we let them have power over us.  We let them control our appetites, our sleep, our emotions, and even our reactions.  Can you imagine the joy that would be beset on my brother if I ranted about him on my podcasts for the next 20-50 years? He would feel that he’s the winner.

Let’s try not to get even with people, because we’re ultimately going to hurt ourselves more than them.

Podcast: https://www.spreaker.com/episode/12458958

The Penalty of Leadership

Since living here in Thailand, teachers have said: I’m black, too loud, too funny, not strict enough, too much charisma, gets all the work, brown noses, shouldn’t be a teacher, can’t write, bad at presenting.  In addition to that, students have said: we want a white teacher, we want a handsome teacher, you’re too funny, we want to go page-by-page, we want that 150 year old traditional style teaching whereas a teacher writes a bunch of shenanigans on the board and we copy it.

Is this part of leadership? Well, just know in every field of human endeavour, you’re going to get that white light of publicity.  When you start doing good and start making a name for yourself, the envy will be there waiting for you.  The reward of the publicity and recognition; the punishment, fierce denial and detraction.  It could become a target for the envious few or envious many.  When you do something mediocre, they’ll leave you alone.  When you achieve a masterpiece, it will set a million tongues a-wagging.

You’re never going to get the “seal of genius” stamp in what you do.  I’ve had people who said my writing was appalling; conversely, my college professors would give me straight A’s on my papers.  The one who said I couldn’t write to save my life never majored in English….get the drift? There are parasites and bacteria out there that are trying to find a way to harvest anywhere on your body…and I’m not speaking literally.  The comments and negative opinions of others are just that….parasites and bacteria.

The Penalty of Leadership is monstrous.  The moment I created a curriculum that enabled others to get a lot more work, there wasn’t a ‘thank you’ anywhere in the vicinity.   The pessimism grew even larger because the fact and matter is that my image is being created in a way that will alter the trajectory of colored people worldwide.  If you’re not ready to strap on your helmet and barrel through the cynicism, criticism, haughty and antagonists, I suggest you stick to the 9-5 job.

Podcast: https://www.spreaker.com/episode/11947419

Controlling Inner Feelings + Different Types of Negative Thoughts

One of my students asked me yesterday about how to destroy these destructive thoughts, and of course, it all comes down to habit.

Research has shown that people talk to themselves about 50,000 times a day.  Yes, this includes you – who are reading this.  Unfortunately, 80% of that comes from negative self-talk such as they don’t like me, I’m never going to finish this, they’re going to beat us, I can’t run this time, I can’t do the last push-up, I can’t finish on time, he’s going to fire me.

We know that these thoughts have the most powerful effect on us.  For instance, this happened to me yesterday evening whereas I literally switched vibrations for gratitude into something of malice.  It was dark, gloomy, and it felt like there was no way out.  I felt like a spec in the universe and then I had to hurry and ask myself, “whoa! What’s wrong? What am I feeling at the moment? What made me feel this way?”

These negative thoughts actually control our behavior.  It makes us stutter, spill things, forget our lines on stage, feel anxious, scared – and to the most extreme….can kill us, such as what depressive thoughts have done to the most famous people in the years.

If we can take another example from the lie-detector test….yes, the polygraph that was virtually on every 90’s American show, humiliating individuals if they had lied about the simplest things, to cheating.  How does this this machine detect a lie?

  • Heart rate
  • Blood pressure
  • Breathing rate
  • Muscle tension
  • Sweating hands

With these detections, it shows the physiological changes that occur when you’re lying.  Every cell in your body is affected by every thought you have.

Different Types of Negative Thoughts

Focusing on the negative.

People who simply always focus on the minute bad when there’s so much good.  Jack Canfield conducted a training session for high school teachers and most of the teachers just focused on the negative.  If 30 kids understood an answer but 4 didn’t, they would focus on the 4 who didn’t get it and would feel bad, rather than focusing on the other 30 who did get it and feel good.

Catastrophic Predicting

“I’m scared to fly because I think the plane is going to crash!”

Kind of like the stupidity of Murphy’s Law? Thinking of the worst possible scenario in your mind and then act as if it were a certainty?  This is happening to me currently because I’m scared to fly Malaysia Airlines from Bangkok to Kuala Lumpur because of what happened 3 years ago.

Mind-Reading?

Seriously, can you read minds? Are you a psychic? I’m not.  So, this kills me overtime because just by someone’s facial expression, I automatically assume that they’re a racist.  DOH! You know when you’re mind-reading when you’re thinking thoughts such as He’s mad at me, she doesn’t like me, he’s going to say no, he’s going to fire me.

Remember, unless you’re a psychic, you can’t read anyone else’s mind.  You don’t even know what they’re really thinking at less you check it out.

Guilt-Tripping

Should, must, ought to, or have to.  All modal verbs that create an internal resistant to actually doing it.  Don’t SHOULD yourself.

Transforming Your Inner Critic Into Your Inner Coach

Instead, let me teach you an extremely powerful exercise for retraining that inner critic to teach you to tell you the truth.

Let’s look at it this way, we always respond to situations in anger, right? But what about the steps leading afterwards? We often forget about that.  Let me show you some examples.

Imagine your child or someone who you care about who’s young…runs in the street and almost gets hit by a car.

Initial Reaction – Anger: I am mad at you for running in the street without looking to see if any cars were coming!

What about the fear? Requests? Love? Let’s go through this again.

Anger: I am mad at you for running in the street without looking to see if any cars were coming!

Fear: I am afraid you’ll get badly hurt or killed.

Requests: I want you to pay more attention when you are playing near the street.  Stop and look both ways before you walk or run out into the street.

Love: I love you so much.  I don’t know what I would do without you.  You are so precious to me.  I want you to be safe and healthy.  You deserve to have lots of fun and stay safe so you can continue to enjoy life to its fullest.  Do you understand?

That’s more like it.  What a different message!  You also need to train that inner critic to talk the same way.

Write down a list of things which you would talk to yourself out loud.  Just imagine their being a clone in front of you. Here are some things that a typical list might look like.

  • You don’t exercise enough.
  • You’re getting fatter.
  • You’re drinking too much.
  • You’re lazy.  Why don’t you finish the things you start?
  • You need to watch less television and go to bed earlier.

Write a list and after completing it, practice communicating the same information using the four-step process.

Podcast: https://www.spreaker.com/episode/11814036