How to Overcome A Tug-O-War Situation

As I walked into the small cubicle area, I chuckled. Yes, this was the demonic, absurdly rude and unhelpful immigration officer. This was the same lady that I saw spew craziness at another individual a few months earlier and told him to get out.

Boy, was I in for a monster.

I Betrayed Myself — LOL

A piece of paper, which I NEVER BROUGHT to extend my visa, was present. She glanced at it….then boom.

“You have to confirm you address again,” she said rudely.

“Ummmm, but ma’am, with all due respect, I’ve already done that.”

The officer shrugged her shoulders as if she didn’t care and began shuffling around the papers on her desk.

“I won’t speak,” she said.

“Excuse me. You have to help me. You’re not giving me a straight answer. What do I do now?”

“Go to information.”….before she rudely gave me my papers back.

Ahhh, reminisce of the time I came here 6 years ago. A vehement begin did almost the same thing, but at least some people were helpful.

How To Calm Down — look for options.

Ok, leave the country? Could, but it would be more expensive than just staying here for the morning/afternoon.

Get a contract and papers faxed, print them downstairs, sign a couple things, reconfirm an address, and then get the extension. Time “lost” (impossible because I have my macbook) — 3-4 hours. That’s working hours that I can actually get a lot of entrepreneurial stuff done.

It’s the brighter side of things. I was eating a spicy Thai dish at a broken food court downstairs and just trying to piece everything that had happened together. I started asking questions, really sophisticated ones, to myself. “If I leave every month, I have to confirm with a full contract every month? I’ve confirmed and have done this already?”

I asked the question, which was a brilliant one, and then she said, “oh, you can do it online. Talk to the lady inside!

So, as I’m sitting here typing this, I’m waiting for my number to be called and possibly get some good news. What can possibly happen? Lady does everything for me and I leave early. Worst thing? Well, wait until 2-2:30pm to leave with everything finished.

Future Occurrences

Veryyyyy important to look ahead. There officers, three cubicles, and 1 out of every 3 individuals will get the unlucky hand to deal with this beast — today was my unlucky hand (laughing at myself hysterically) because at the end of the day, everything will get sorted out!

The Conclusion

My old self would’ve went on a Twitter rant and talk about how BAD and ENTIRE COUNTRY is because of one individual.

The real me asks the real questions that will tap into why a human being is just so nasty and power hungry.

So, that’s how you can see, on my Wheel of Life podcast, where I’ve come from the beginning of my time.

The Story of My Student’s Anti-Depressants & How Much Reaction Won

That’s right.

Remember the time my student turned to anti-depressants?

After meeting her at the base of my condo, I felt that there was a “aura” of disparity that was surrounding her. What she normally used to be and what she was at that moment.

After going up the elevator, she had a frown on her face and just didn’t see up-beat like she normally was. Upon entering my condo, she sat down and just looked unenthused. I sensed that something was wrong….she wasn’t happy with her life.

How does a doctor, making a significant amount, fall into such a state? Well, 48% of doctors in America are depressed, so that statistic wouldn’t be too uncommon.

After going over her motivations, taking her through a series of things i normally do and figuring out her center, she was completely unmotivated to do anything. She wasn’t living. The personal development category had hit rock bottom, and so were three other categories.

That day she went home and bought some anti-depressants. Luckily, she told me…and I said..

Wtf are you doing? You’ve identified the problem? People on anti-depressants either don’t know (don’t wanna know) or just masking/numbing what the actual problem is!

Arsenio

She felt my emotions through a message and quickly got off of them. She took literally one, and threw the rest away because she knew what the problem was.

Three days later she signed up with a gym and a few other activities to stop being so redundant with her life.

A few months later, she’s full of joy. I saw her again and I felt a radiation of positivity that I haven’t felt since she came back during a semester break 3 years ago (from Australia). She’s challenging herself and looking towards a job at the USA Embassy.

See, for those of you who believe depressants are going to help you, you’re wrong. You’re numbing the pain. You’re not facing what’s not working; whether it’s your shitty family, terrible job, or boorish friends. Once you isolate the problem and create a solution, those depressive feelings will go away….

…..such as what happened with my ex-student.

When You Realize You Have An Indomitable Will….

I went to my mother’s Facebook page to check on her health and well-being recently.  After the 2013 fallout, my mother and I haven’t spoken on video or by voice in half-a-decade.  Regrets? Absolutely not.  It takes two to tango.  However, the health of my mother is always important.

Her first post was of my brother — an individual who has hated me since I was a child.  Hot-headed, angry, know-it-all/alpha mask possessing individual who’s following similar footsteps of his father.  He was featured on Fox5News in Las Vegas.  Being an avid drummer and always have been for years, music has always been in his heart.  Having taught at high schools, middle schools, and elementary schools, apparently he had auditioned for the Las Vegas Golden Knights hockey team — and got the job.  During one of the openings of last year’s playoff game against I-HAVE-NO-IDEA, I saw someone wearing glowing, neon glasses while drumming who had a beard similar to what my brother normally flaunts.  Indeed, it was my brother.  I was super proud of him.

Two years ago, he had sent me a message, berating me with derogatory slurs and yelling, “don’t come back to Vegas! Mom doesn’t wanna see you! Your sisters hate you!”

I laughed and felt sorry for him.  Since those 1995, Mega Man X days where he would beat me up on the SNES and tell my parents that I did wrong, he still has an impenetrable amount of hostility that’s tormenting him inside.

During the recent interview in the link above, I can still see it in his eyes.  Hearing him speak with the freakish looking smile and saying, “it’s about being positive,” or somewhere on the lines, is what I would always see before he unleashed an unfathomable amount of hell upon me and spew rhetoric at my siblings.  He was a power junkie and always has been — very different from what my father used to be, to be honest.

Nonetheless, I told my siblings, and the last time I spoke with them back in the summer of 2016, that I would never speak to Steven Buck again for as long as I live.  It was time to finally move on.  Wish him the best in his future endeavors, but enough was enough.  Gary Vee says drop your loser friends and family members, and my brother, who was the antagonist of every story, has never been supportive.

But please don’t let this confuse any of you.  Holding a grudge against anyone is ridiculous, and this is why I forgave him from within and sent the rest to the universe.  He doesn’t need to know that I forgave him, nor would he care, but it’s for my own peace of mind.

You know, going through the battles I’ve gone through, especially living in Thailand, it’s perspective.

Do you know how lonely I felt being in a household where everyone hated me? I was the “selfish” one for not saving money.  I was the bad son for not giving my mom 25% of my salary while living overseas by myself.  Going through that dimension of it, and then battling the racial discrimination in these borders? 150 jobs denied me because I was BLACK.

Could you imagine not having anyone to go to in terms of that?

You can’t.  The brute force and nature of it all id unprecedented. But how did I go through it? Was it the motive? The purpose, as Napoleon Hill has said before? How did I flip it from a push to a pull? How did I go from a negative mindset to a positive mindset? How did I go from getting by at the beginning of this year, to becoming financially independent by next year? I’m still trying to piece it together.

One thing is apparent, however, and it’s the fact that I have an indomitable will.

Podcast

Stephen Covey’s Speed of Trust: Season 4 – Episode 3 – A Summary of Taxes & Dividends

The Trust Tax.  Yes, sometimes there are hidden, ugly variables in that, too.

It’s very difficult to trust people who work for different companies, such as those exploitative companies that tell you, “hey! You can stay at our beautiful condominium for cheap tonight with no extra costs!”

If you guys didn’t hear the story about 1.5 years ago, here’s a snippet of it.

A friend and I walked into this touristy place on a cold Sedona morning and this guy gave us an offer that we couldn’t refuse.  However, I scratched the back part of my mind and knew there was always condition.  He stood right  before our eyes and told us that we can stay at this beautiful condominium for half the price and take a 20$ helicopter ride, only if we visit a timeshare the next day.

If you guys aren’t aware of timeshares, they have an abominable name and I’m still unaware of what they are…but let’s just say an extortionate scheme played by individuals to get you to pay less, but in hidden print, you’re paying 300% more.

We looked at the contract and my friend asked me, “be real, this is all we have to pay? We won’t be forced to buy anything?” We were at this place trying to get directions to gorgeous hiking places and we almost had our lives turned right upside down.  He said all we needed was a credit card to hold $200.  It would later be released.

When this conversation was going, two ladies next to us went up in arms and became defensive about their situation: “NO! We don’t want that. We’ll leave now. We want only this and that’s enough.  If not, we’re leaving.” These women were beyond aggressive; meanwhile, I tapped my friend on the leg and gestured to that situation and wrote on my phone (under the table), “this guy is trying to f*** us.”

Sure enough, the payment for the credit card never went through because my friend only had $200 on the card, the guy had three hidden fees totaling out to about $800 dollars.

Lesson learned. The measurable economics of trust could be unbelievably deceiving.  This man, who apparently has a family, would push a narrative to argue with people everyday? Just a sad life.  But just like Thailand, places similar to what I’ve just talked about do exist.

And with this story, let’s get into the summary of taxes and dividends. View the PDF and following me on this crazy journey in the podcast.

The Speed of Trust – Steven Covey

Podcast

Season 1: Episode 5 – Book Review – Aggressive & Invincible Mask

“Imagine the moments just before a cage fight. The cheering crowd. The threatening opponent in the corner, flexing, shadow-boxing, bouncing rhythmically on the balls of his feet, ready for someone to ring the bell so he can pounce. The highlight reel of his past victories plays on the jumbo-tron—man after man hitting the canvas or tapping desperately as the air gets choked out of them. Think about all the money on the line. The bragging rights. The years of training that led up to this moment.
And now think, how would you feel if you were the fighter about to enter the cage to face your opponent? Afraid? Anxious? Angry? Numb? Worried? You’d be a perfectly normal human being to feel those things.”

Excerpt From: Lewis Howes. “The Mask of Masculinity.” iBooks.

Some of you may or may not know my story about being a child, but back in 2003, I went through a phase where I saw a lot of aggression.  On the first day of school. my mother was laid off work.  We went from having a lot of food, to having very little food in the house.  My mom did everything she could to keep peace and calm in the house, but when the lights got cut off, it persisted.  There was a time my brother confronted me at band practice and we got in a fight.  His punk ass (and I mean that out of total disrespect — lol) ran home to tell my mom first.  When I got home, my mom was screaming at me, and so was my brother, which lead to me running away from home for the first night in my life.  For a mother to take someone’s side, as angry an individual one will ever meet (my brother) without hearing me first, was heartbreaking.

These things continued festering when my long-time crush, Adriana, ended up dumping me.  Following that, a manipulative girl by the name of Maria came into my life and left without a trace, too.

Going into December, I had an insane amount of anger.  There was a jazz band playing in the band room one afternoon — one of the most depressing songs ever that had stuck with me, and still does, to this day. I told my brother what was happening and he could relate.  Remember, if you’re depressed, the goal is to not be around depressed people. My mom, out of desperation, sold a truck to my uncle’s girlfriend (and the truck she got from her father).  She got a much needed $2500 USD from her, not to mention that a long time family friend had came over the previous three weeks with a full Thanksgiving dinner for us — seeing my mom reduce to tears.

Shortly after the New Years, my mother got a new job and that dark cloud that was hanging over our family for the third quarter of 2003 had gone away.  However, something was still inside me.

I would scream and slam controllers on my upstairs bedroom floor when I lost in Blitz 2003.  My mom would yell at the top of her lungs, screaming violently at me “IT’S JUST A F***ING GAME!”

That last time i overreacted was a basketball game: UNC vs. Duke.  UNC lost by a nailbiter and my reaction was so terrifying that my mother glanced at her friend, who was sitting right next to her, and asked him “is something wrong with my son?”

Days later, a kid name Manny approached me and asked about joining the high school Track & Field team.  That weekend I tried out and made the team.  Yes, there was just a small snippet of aggression and uncontrollable rage remaining in me at the time (my brother swayed my mother into not buying some shoes for me and I ended up crying really bad in the back seat of my mother’s vehicle).  After that, that was the last time I could remember being so emotionally distraught.

Aggression builds up.  There are so many areas, in my life, where I could’ve pinpointed what actually happened.  You can only connect the dots looking back.

“That said, the real problem for the development of young men is when aggression is the primary outlet for their pain, their sadness, their anxiety, and their anger.
Unaddressed anger is the glue that keeps the Aggressive Mask stuck in place, starting very early and lasting, in many cases, for decades. There is research on this, and it testifies to how much young boys, in particular, are soaked in anger. For many of them, anger is the only emotion that is “acceptable” to express.”

Excerpt From: Lewis Howes. “The Mask of Masculinity.” iBooks.

Invincible Mask Podcast

Today’s Podcast

Masks of Masculinity: Season 1: Episode 2 – What Can You Do Right Now To Remove The Alpha Mask

“The first step to shedding this mask is, in a way, just embracing that fact. Just give yourself enough gut-check moments about the kind of behavior you see around you. It isn’t enough to see it; you’ve got to see it and then have a reaction that’s more critical than complimentary.” – Lewis Howes

Honestly, your true friends don’t give a damn about how “alpha” you are.  All it takes is for a male to say that “one time” and I’ll switch him off and can him in no-time.  Alpha Males honestly pile a lot of pure pressure on their peers.  I saw my brother succumb to pure pressure back in 2000 when his friend, Brandon, told him to spoke a cigarette.  When I saw him smoking a cigarette, I was amazed.  What is this 14-year-old kid doing smoking a cigarette; let alone he’s my brother.

Now that I think of it, all of these alpha males my brother is or was friends with ultimately took him down a path he never wanted to go down.  There was a Puerto Rican, ego-maniacal friend my brother had by the name of Raf who would constantly demean me because I was the “younger” one.  The other friends my brother had at the beginning of his young adulthood had already committed crimes, or they were into drugs, smoking weed and playing videos games all day.  What my brother thought was “cool” was a disease he was slowly drowning himself in.

Now that you know the situations, now it’s time to breakdown what you can actually be free of if you remove this mask.

Win-win scenarios
Being the hero who lifts others up
The joy of being in service
Empowering others around you
Letting go of being in control
Freedom
Deeper sense of love

“Work for win-win scenarios in every possible circumstance. Use your energy to win and empower others to win. Instead of looking for things that separate us, look for things that unite us. Instead of looking for evidence that your way is the only way, try other people’s ways. Listen, connect, and hear other people’s ideas. A true leader doesn’t need to be right in order to feel worthy; he is able to see the best idea from anyone and bring it to light.”

Excerpt From: Lewis Howes. “The Mask of Masculinity.” iBooks.

What does winning mean to you? What does losing mean to you? If you look at all the NFL players, they’re obsessed with winning and hate losing.  Losing is the greatest part of life…and this is how a lot of them are sucked into wearing the Alpha Mask.

I lose everyday in Thailand.  I lose at getting the typical passerby’s respect.  That’s my loss, and I love it.  I’m a man who’s not afraid of showing his emotion.  When I cross the line at the Spartan Beast later on this year, I will cry.  I’ll go on Instagram stories and show my emotions to the world, too.  That doesn’t make me any less of a man than Ray Lewis. Your self-worth shouldn’t be wrapped up in winning.

 

 

Aggressive Mask: Part II

“Unaddressed anger is the glue that keeps the Aggressive Mask stuck in place, starting very early and lasting, in many cases, for decades. There is research on this, and it testifies to how much young boys, in particular, are soaked in anger. For many of them, anger is the only emotion that is “acceptable” to express.” – Lewis Howes

Blueprints, right? I mean anger is taught.  No way in hell it’s genetics…thats just the genetic make-up of a human being.  Men develop an insurmountable amount of anger over years – I’m one of them.  I’m not sure when it started developing, but late 2003 – 2004, I was enraged.  When I played video games, I would cry when I lost because I thought the game was “cheating.”  My mom would scream at me and tell me to stop playing the game.  Of course this is a story I told in my podcast before, but this is the aggression and crazy amount of anger that I suffered from during my sophomore year of high school.

It wasn’t until I joined Track and Field when it changed.  Again, if I had joined football, I would’ve been talked about in this part of Lewis Howes book.

Ashley Burch, who’s a writer said “when an emotion sneaks in for a male character [in video games], by and large, it is anger. And any sort of grief is very, very underplayed and never actually discussed or processed. Kids end up really looking up to this character. And what they end up idolizing is someone who cannot express themselves emotionally, cannot be honest or open with anyone around them.”

I’ve had the privilege of not having such a tumultuous childhood involving physical abuse both inside and outside the home.  However, I must tell a story that no one actually knows about.

Back in 1997, my father took full custody from my mother and we hopped from one side of Las Vegas to another.  During that time, his second girlfriend, named Kim, had a song and daughter named Brandon and Emily.  This was a family of three from Missouri (a small town in the middle of nowhere).  I didn’t make anything of the pair initially, but then things started happening.  I can’t remember exactly where, but let’s just say it was in the second apartment we lived in.  Brandon would shout, “n*****” at me.  When this happened, I would beat the bricks out of him (lol – but it’s funny – a little).  He would come up with blood coming from his nose and his mom would scream, “what happened to you?!”

“Arsenio punched me.”

I then said, “you called me a N*****!”

……crickets…..

The mother couldn’t defend her son for using such a degrading word.

These were the times when my brother wasn’t around because of his constant anger issues, which he probably got from my mother at the time because of all household issues.  So, I would have to fight my way.  I was bullied a couple days until I retaliated the 3rd day.  This was the day, and only day when I hit another human bring outside of sibling rivalries.  The bully, by the name of Richard, was shoving me forward and backward — and out of impulse — I swung my arm right across the top of his nose, breaking it.

That was 1998.  Fast-forward it to 2001, my friend Billy, who’s still my best friend today, came to a huge disagreement while playing basketball.  In the moment, he began flailing his arms at my face.  I stepped back a few times and grabbed his shirt, swinging him all over the floor before his mother came out and yelled, “I’m gonna kick yal’s asses!”

How did I remain composed? Billy, who would constantly call me poor over the course of a year, deserved a pair of hands to be laid upon his face.  I never had the courage to do it.  Maybe because when I was younger, I saw my mother and father put knives in each other’s faces.  I was never a violent individual – even going back to the Brandon days.

On the other hand and with great respect, I feel my brother wasn’t the lucky one.  I truly believe that my brother ended up getting a piece of the “90’s” mother and father in him.  I recently talked to my sister and she says they never speak to him because he’s always angry.  He’s demanding.  Everything is always right to him….and this is why the relationship between him and I sailed a long time ago.  That anger has lead to destructive habits which he engages in everyday.  The fact that I believe he’s a compulsive gambler, betting on superficial sports games to make ends meet, is a very valid point.  When “little brother” tries inviting him into another world, he becomes angry, gets defensive, combative, and belligerent.

I played sports (Track & Field); but my brother, on the other hand, never played sports.  Could this be the reason why there’s a lot of animosity?

Podcast

https://www.spreaker.com/user/thearseniobuckshow/aggressive-mask-part-ii-stories-from-chi

Stoic Mask: Part II – What Can You Do Right Now?

“Men lag behind this shift because they are still learning how to talk openly with their partners and connect honestly with other men. We know what to do. We just don’t know how to do it. And until that changes, where does that leave us? That’s right. It leaves us alone.”

Excerpt From: Lewis Howes. “The Mask of Masculinity.” iBooks.

So, I have a confession.  Just recently I had a situation where I distanced myself after coming across a series of events that I just did not like.  It all started with an infestation of small bugs in my kitchen, which I was easily able to handle.  However, I had a headache later not hat evening and my significant other was saying things that were very agitating.  Woke up that morning and of course what happened the night before spilled into the next day, which was Saturday.  I went to work lackadaisical and I just didn’t get out of my own rut; what’s more, in the beginning of the day, I told her that I would be going on a media purge to stop the negative vibration from continuing.  It worked, but instead it hurt her feelings and she thought it was her that was the negative vibration.  Instead of just opening up and showing her how I truly felt the night before, it extended for a couple days (into Sunday morning) when it should’ve just ended Saturday morning.

This could be the sure driver to demise for all relationships.  Men, especially those who come from families where stern fathers are present, aren’t able to open up as easily as women because that would make them a “bitch.”

And when men decide to open up ,they open up to the wrong person.

If anyone can recall the scene from Bad Boys II when Marcus (Martin Lawrence) sat down next to Mike (Will Smith), they would giggle.  The Stoic mask was suddenly ripped right off Marcus; and instead of being a badass cop, he began talking to Mike about very personal matters, A.K.A. – Not Getting An Erection.  There was a couple of other things said, but it was one of the most hilarious funny and REAL scenes I’ve ever seen.  Some men just don’t open up to particular things, so they hurry up and tell the other person, “Ummmm we’re partners with boundaries.”  When that happens, that particular individual who tried opening up will never do it again.

“Dr. Brené Brown, author of the bestselling book Daring Greatly, points out that this is a step toward real gender equality and fairness. “Most women pledge allegiance to this idea that women can explore their emotions, break down, fall apart,” she said, “and it’s healthy. But guys are not allowed to fall apart.”

Have you ever seen a man have an emotional breakdown?  Society is becoming much more loose, thanks to the NCAA Basketball Tournament last year (and not thanks to the reporters) for shoving cameras down athletes faces after a tough loss.  These athletes were crying egregiously on camera and were made fun of by those pseudo-alpha males around America – however, I believe it was a turning point for society.  Men should be able to show their feelings in a very expressive way – just like women.

Who has heard of Tyrese?  Yes, the star of the Fast N Furious saga literally crying like no tomorrow on either an Instagram post or Facebook.  The world took by storm and told him to “man up” – so it ensues.

There are so many other examples I can use, but let’s get into the “what can I do Arsenio Buck” section of this.

What you’re doing right now is creating disease.  Diseased cells that will fester and compile over a many of years.  It’s creating anger.  It’s creating everything that’s synonymous to my previous sentences.  Expose yourself by being vulnerable. 

What will be available when you drop the Stoic mask?

  • Emotional freedom
    A weight off your shoulders
    Deeper relationships with men and women
    Healing
    A healthy heart
    Vulnerability
    The permission to feel
    Acceptance and belonging

And on top of that, here are some steps from Lewis Howes book that will guide you.

Step 1: Make a list of the five most painful moments of your life. Note what happened, and how you felt in each moment. Journal about it and go into detail. (An example could be: My dad was my best friend growing up, but he abandoned me when I was 6, and it left me devastated.)

Step 2: Once you’ve journaled about these painful moments, read them out loud to yourself. Give yourself permission to feel or to cry about them when you hear your own words. Play soft instrumental music during this process to facilitate your ability to reach your emotions as you allow your feelings to awaken.

Step 3: Share them. When you have accepted the truth of this pain and all these emotions, tell a friend, partner, or family member whom you trust. Part of removing the Stoic Mask is allowing other people to support you. The only way they can do that is if they know what’s going on. I’m a big believer that anyone who has experienced trauma in their past (and hasn’t ever discussed it with someone) will allow the trauma to grow in negative ways. You won’t be able to heal until you begin to share your story.

Step 4: Look into hiring a coach, therapist, or someone who is a specialist. Once you’ve shared your pain, you need to find someone who has experience with helping people understand their emotions and get comfortable with them. For those who really struggle behind the Stoic Mask, this is serious work and it requires a serious approach. But it is work that can start today, right now, with a piece of paper ”

Excerpt From: Lewis Howes. “The Mask of Masculinity.” iBooks.

Podcast

 

How To Criticize — And Not Be Hated For It

Is it possible? Perhaps!

“Charles Schwab was passing though one of his steel mills one day at noon when he came across some of his employees smoking. Immediately above their heads was a sign that said “No Smoking.” Did Schwab point to the sign and say, “Can’t you read?” Oh, no not Schwab. He walked over to the men, handed each one a cigar, and said, “I’ll appreciate it, boys, if you will smoke these on the outside.” They knew that he knew that they had broken a rule—and they admired him because he said nothing about it and gave them a little present and made them feel important. Couldn’t keep from loving a man like that, could you?”

Excerpt From: Dale Carnegie. “How to Win Friends & Influence People.”

Pretty smart, right? How often do we find ourselves in shouting matches with people at our local convenience stories? Working up a sweat and raising your blood pressure only to see that “enemy” smiling while waving ‘goodbye.’  They win, you lose.

As human beings, we’re quick to criticize.  I was recently killing my brain cells while watching useless MMA YouTube videos. While I was watching some of these videos, I would see the MMA fighters not only lacking confidence, but blaming reporters for the “stirring” up of everything.  I like the Marshawn Lynch and Richard Sherman approach of everything.

The lady tries to criticize him and he asks her follow-up questions to question her credibility.  This is an excellent way with dealing with critics in general.

Marshawn just completely ignores them by saying, “yes.” I find it amusing.

“Many people begin their criticism with sincere praise followed by the word “but” and ending with a critical statement. For example, in trying to change a child’s careless attitude toward studies, we might say, “We’re really proud of you, Johnnie, for raising your grades this term. But if you had worked harder on your algebra, the results would have been better.”
In this case, Johnnie might feel encouraged until he heard the word “but.” He might then question the sincerity of the original praise. To him, the praise seemed only to be a contrived lead-in to a critical inference of failure. Credibility would be strained, and we probably would not achieve our objectives of changing Johnnie’s attitude toward his studies.
This could be easily overcome by changing the word “but” to “and.” “We’re really proud of you, Johnnie, for raising your grades this term, and by continuing the same conscientious efforts next term, your algebra grade can be up with all the others.”
Now, Johnnie would accept the praise because there was no follow-up of an inference of failure. We have called his attention to the behavior we wished to change indirectly, and the chances are he will try to live up to our expectations.”

Dale Carnegie wrote this in his book and it couldn’t have been more true.

 

If You Do This, You Will Never Worry About Ingratitude

Dogs.  They are the absolute best four-legged animals of society.  Just recently there was a dog running out on the main road, happily.  I’ve never seen a dog showing such extraordinary enthusiasm – let alone a homeless one.  The way it galloped, not ran….but galloped on the sidewalk in sheer celebration for whatever it may have accomplished.  This dog looked exactly like the one in the photo above.

Anywho, after running under the legs of samaritans waiting for their mode of transportation, it found its victim – a woman.  It ran up to her and began jumping on her, wanting to play.  The woman showed no resistance, but she had a resounding joyful expression on her face.

On the other hand, the same dog would go near other people and they would wave their hand at the dog, trying to “shoo” him away.  Was the dog sad? No.  Did the dog know about gratitude? Absolutely not.  The dog was happy regardless if the woman liked or didn’t like him jumping all over her leg.

That’s what makes us so much different from dogs.  We want that gratitude.  If we hold a door open for someone to walk in behind us, we expect a thank you; if not, it could lead to an eruption of hostility and raw emotion.  The emotion of discontent, “excuse me, I just held the door open and you didn’t say thank you?”

This goes with Christmas parties, a story that Dale Carnegie mentioned in his book.  A business owner gave away more than $10,000 dollars in Christmas bonuses to his 300 employees and no one seemed to give a damn.  Not one thank you.

He wallowed himself in resentment and self-pity, he might have asked himself why he didn’t get any appreciation.  Maybe he had underpaid and overworked his employees? Maybe they wanted something more than cash? Maybe they wanted him to show his appreciation by words? This man didn’t know the “love” language of any of his employees; therefore, that’s probably why they shoulder shrugged him and went on.

The point I’m trying to make is this man made the human and distressing mistake of expecting gratitude.

But it’s all just human nature! Try to make it an oath to yourself to not expect appreciation, so when it does come….it’ll be a wonderful surprise.