Coaching Session: Episode 008 – Do You Lack Tactfulness?

Lack of tactfulness

  1. Carelessness in the tone of voice often speaking in antagonistic tones that often offend.
  2. Speaking out of turn when silence would be more appropriate.
  3. Interrupting others who are speaking.
  4. Overworking the personal pronoun.
  5. Asking impertinent questions generally to impress others.
  6. Injecting intimately personal subjects into conversation where such actions are embarrassing to others.
  7. Going where one has not been invited.
  8. Boastfulness.
  9. Making personal calls at inconvenient hours.
  10. Holding people on the telephone with needless conversation.
  11. Volunteering opinions when not requested especially on subjects where they’re not familiar.
  12. Openly questions the soundness of opinions of others.
  13. Declining requests from others in an arrogant manner.
  14. Speaking disparagingly of people in front of their friends.
  15. Rebuking people who disagree with one on any subject.
  16. Speaking of people’s physical inflictions in their presence.
  17. Correcting subordinates and associates in the presence of others.
  18. Complaining when requests for favors are refused.
  19. Presuming upon friendship and asking favors.
  20. Using profane or offensive language.
  21. Expressing dislikes too freely.
  22. Speaking of ills and misfortunes.
  23. Criticizing forms of religion.
  24. Over-familiarity of all occasions.

Boy, I heard this in one of the most inspiring chapters in Napoleon Hill’s book recently and I just had to share it with everyone. It’s almost certain that some of you who have read the 24 questions are suffering from at least one. This brings you awareness though.

See what’s happening, send in your questions and let’s follow up in a months time.

Do This – & Criticism Can’t Hurt You

“I discovered years ago that although I couldn’t keep people from criticising me unjustly, I could do something infinitely more important: I could determine whether I would let the unjust condemnation disturb me.  Let’s be clear about this: I am not advocating ignoring all criticism.  Far from it.  I am talking about ignoring only unjust criticism.”

Doing the thing society tells you not to do is a quick way to overcome the jitters.  The jitters that society uses against you in auto-suggestion form.

Close your eyes for one second.  For those of you who live in Japan, China, Korea, and other countries around the world – visualize being on a train.  What do you see? Who do you see? Are they all doing the same thing? 9 times out of 10 – they are.  They’re standing a specific way in fear that someone may be looking at them, video recording them, or even taking a picture of them.  People are terrified of being criticized by others so they conform to doing the same thing other people do.

Back in the south of Thailand, Thai teachers would say, “why do you go running? You’re a teacher. You shouldn’t be seen in public.  Why are you singing? Why are you happy? You’re a teacher! You can’t do that!”

So, I approved of the outlandish “Thai Culture” suggestion, indicating that I need to have a specific character to fit the description of an abysmal teacher.

I broke away from those chains over the last two years.  For instance, on a typical day I go running, I wear a headband (as I do on the bus when I head to the gym), and depending on if people are looking at me in a particular way, I sing/rap to whatever I’m listening to.  Why?  Because I’m literally telling the world that I don’t give a GOD DAMN about them.

Onlookers look at me in awe, shaking their heads – sometimes in disgust because they’ve never seen a runner sweat the way I do.  That’s fine.  They can think whatever the hell they want to think because at the end of the day I always ask myself: are they paying my bills? Are they investors? Do they even respect me? No.  So you don’t even exist to me.

Controlling Inner Feelings + Different Types of Negative Thoughts

One of my students asked me yesterday about how to destroy these destructive thoughts, and of course, it all comes down to habit.

Research has shown that people talk to themselves about 50,000 times a day.  Yes, this includes you – who are reading this.  Unfortunately, 80% of that comes from negative self-talk such as they don’t like me, I’m never going to finish this, they’re going to beat us, I can’t run this time, I can’t do the last push-up, I can’t finish on time, he’s going to fire me.

We know that these thoughts have the most powerful effect on us.  For instance, this happened to me yesterday evening whereas I literally switched vibrations for gratitude into something of malice.  It was dark, gloomy, and it felt like there was no way out.  I felt like a spec in the universe and then I had to hurry and ask myself, “whoa! What’s wrong? What am I feeling at the moment? What made me feel this way?”

These negative thoughts actually control our behavior.  It makes us stutter, spill things, forget our lines on stage, feel anxious, scared – and to the most extreme….can kill us, such as what depressive thoughts have done to the most famous people in the years.

If we can take another example from the lie-detector test….yes, the polygraph that was virtually on every 90’s American show, humiliating individuals if they had lied about the simplest things, to cheating.  How does this this machine detect a lie?

  • Heart rate
  • Blood pressure
  • Breathing rate
  • Muscle tension
  • Sweating hands

With these detections, it shows the physiological changes that occur when you’re lying.  Every cell in your body is affected by every thought you have.

Different Types of Negative Thoughts

Focusing on the negative.

People who simply always focus on the minute bad when there’s so much good.  Jack Canfield conducted a training session for high school teachers and most of the teachers just focused on the negative.  If 30 kids understood an answer but 4 didn’t, they would focus on the 4 who didn’t get it and would feel bad, rather than focusing on the other 30 who did get it and feel good.

Catastrophic Predicting

“I’m scared to fly because I think the plane is going to crash!”

Kind of like the stupidity of Murphy’s Law? Thinking of the worst possible scenario in your mind and then act as if it were a certainty?  This is happening to me currently because I’m scared to fly Malaysia Airlines from Bangkok to Kuala Lumpur because of what happened 3 years ago.

Mind-Reading?

Seriously, can you read minds? Are you a psychic? I’m not.  So, this kills me overtime because just by someone’s facial expression, I automatically assume that they’re a racist.  DOH! You know when you’re mind-reading when you’re thinking thoughts such as He’s mad at me, she doesn’t like me, he’s going to say no, he’s going to fire me.

Remember, unless you’re a psychic, you can’t read anyone else’s mind.  You don’t even know what they’re really thinking at less you check it out.

Guilt-Tripping

Should, must, ought to, or have to.  All modal verbs that create an internal resistant to actually doing it.  Don’t SHOULD yourself.

Transforming Your Inner Critic Into Your Inner Coach

Instead, let me teach you an extremely powerful exercise for retraining that inner critic to teach you to tell you the truth.

Let’s look at it this way, we always respond to situations in anger, right? But what about the steps leading afterwards? We often forget about that.  Let me show you some examples.

Imagine your child or someone who you care about who’s young…runs in the street and almost gets hit by a car.

Initial Reaction – Anger: I am mad at you for running in the street without looking to see if any cars were coming!

What about the fear? Requests? Love? Let’s go through this again.

Anger: I am mad at you for running in the street without looking to see if any cars were coming!

Fear: I am afraid you’ll get badly hurt or killed.

Requests: I want you to pay more attention when you are playing near the street.  Stop and look both ways before you walk or run out into the street.

Love: I love you so much.  I don’t know what I would do without you.  You are so precious to me.  I want you to be safe and healthy.  You deserve to have lots of fun and stay safe so you can continue to enjoy life to its fullest.  Do you understand?

That’s more like it.  What a different message!  You also need to train that inner critic to talk the same way.

Write down a list of things which you would talk to yourself out loud.  Just imagine their being a clone in front of you. Here are some things that a typical list might look like.

  • You don’t exercise enough.
  • You’re getting fatter.
  • You’re drinking too much.
  • You’re lazy.  Why don’t you finish the things you start?
  • You need to watch less television and go to bed earlier.

Write a list and after completing it, practice communicating the same information using the four-step process.

Podcast: https://www.spreaker.com/episode/11814036