Coaching Session: Episode 008 – Do You Lack Tactfulness?

Lack of tactfulness

  1. Carelessness in the tone of voice often speaking in antagonistic tones that often offend.
  2. Speaking out of turn when silence would be more appropriate.
  3. Interrupting others who are speaking.
  4. Overworking the personal pronoun.
  5. Asking impertinent questions generally to impress others.
  6. Injecting intimately personal subjects into conversation where such actions are embarrassing to others.
  7. Going where one has not been invited.
  8. Boastfulness.
  9. Making personal calls at inconvenient hours.
  10. Holding people on the telephone with needless conversation.
  11. Volunteering opinions when not requested especially on subjects where they’re not familiar.
  12. Openly questions the soundness of opinions of others.
  13. Declining requests from others in an arrogant manner.
  14. Speaking disparagingly of people in front of their friends.
  15. Rebuking people who disagree with one on any subject.
  16. Speaking of people’s physical inflictions in their presence.
  17. Correcting subordinates and associates in the presence of others.
  18. Complaining when requests for favors are refused.
  19. Presuming upon friendship and asking favors.
  20. Using profane or offensive language.
  21. Expressing dislikes too freely.
  22. Speaking of ills and misfortunes.
  23. Criticizing forms of religion.
  24. Over-familiarity of all occasions.

Boy, I heard this in one of the most inspiring chapters in Napoleon Hill’s book recently and I just had to share it with everyone. It’s almost certain that some of you who have read the 24 questions are suffering from at least one. This brings you awareness though.

See what’s happening, send in your questions and let’s follow up in a months time.

Positive Mental Attitude: Season 2 – Episode 21 – Quotient Analysis – Part B

We’ve got the second part of this coming up.

I initially separated these into three parts because it’s long and it’s going to take a lot of writing and time.  To get through all 16/17 right off the back, can be overwhelming.

7. Applied faith
(a) Do you have faith in Infinite Intelligence?

_____ _____
(b) Are you a person of integrity?

_____ _____
(c) Do you have confidence in your ability to do what you decide to do?

_____ _____
(d) Are you reasonably free from these seven basic fears:

(1) fear of poverty?

(2) fear of criticism?

(3) fear of ill health?

(4) fear of loss of love?

(5) fear of loss of liberty?

(6) fear of old age?

(7) fear of death?

_____ _____
8. Pleasing personality

(a) Are your habits offensive to others?

_____ _____
(b) Is it your habit to apply the Golden Rule?

_____ _____
(c) Are you liked by those with whom you work?

_____ _____
(d) Do you bore others?

_____ _____
9. Personal initiative
(a) Do you plan your work?

_____ _____
(b) Must your work be planned for you?

_____ _____
(c) Do you possess outstanding qualities not possessed by others in your line of work?

_____ _____
(d) Is it your habit to procrastinate?

_____ _____
(e) Is it your habit to try to create better plans for doing your work more efficiently?

_____ _____

10. Enthusiasm
(a) Are you an enthusiastic person?

_____ _____
(b) Do you direct your enthusiasm toward carrying out your plans?

_____ _____
(c) Does your enthusiasm overpower your judgment?”

11. Controlled attention
(a) Is it your habit to concentrate your thoughts on what you are doing?

_____ _____
(b) Are you easily influenced to change your plans or your decisions?

_____ _____
(c) Are you inclined to abandon your aims and plans when you meet opposition?

_____ _____
(d) Do you keep working regardless of unavoidable distractions?”

 

12. Teamwork

(a) Do you get along harmoniously with others?

_____ _____
(b) Do you grant favors as freely as you ask them?

_____ _____
(c) Do you have frequent disagreements with others?

_____ _____
(d) Are there great advantages in friendly cooperation among co-workers?

_____ _____
(e) Are you aware of the damage one can cause by not cooperating with co-workers?”

Excerpt From: Napoleon Hill. “Success Through A Positive Mental Attitude.” iBooks. https://itunes.apple.com/us/book/success-through-a-positive-mental-attitude/id381618319?mt=11

PDF

Podcast

 

Dale Carnegie’s ‘How To Win Friends & Influence People’ – Full Book Review + Podcasts From My Favorite Chapters

It’s been a long time since I’ve done podcasts and blogs on this particular book because I thought the substantial amount of great material dwindled towards the end.  So, here are my best chapter and podcasts down below if you want to listen on in!

 

Do This & You’ll Be Welcomed Anywhere

If we want to make friends, let’s greet people with animation and enthusiasm. When somebody calls you on the telephone use the same psychology. Say “Hello” in tones that bespeak how pleased you are to have the person call. Many companies train their telephone operators to greet all callers in a tone of voice that radiates interest and enthusiasm. The caller feels the company is concerned about them. Let’s remember that when we answer the telephone tomorrow.

Showing a genuine interest in others not only wins friends for you, but may develop in its customers a loyalty to your company.

“I would like you to know how much I appreciate your staff. Everyone is so courteous, polite and helpful. What a pleasure it is, after waiting on a long line, to have the teller greet you pleasantly.
Last year my mother was hospitalized for five months. Frequently I went to Marie Petrucello, a teller. She was concerned about my mother and inquired about her progress.”

 

The Big Secret of Dealing With People

Complimenting and the desire of feeling important.

“The next time you enjoy filet mignon at the club, send word to the chef that it was excellently prepared, and when a tired salesperson shows you unusual courtesy, please mention it.”

“Try leaving a friendly trail of little sparks of gratitude on your daily trips. You will be surprised how they will set small flames of friendship that will be rose beacons on your next visit.”

“When we are not engaged in thinking about some definite problem, we usually spend about 95 percent of our time thinking about ourselves. Now, if we stop thinking about ourselves for a while and begin to think of the other person’s good points, we won’t have to resort to flattery so cheap and false that it can be spotted almost before it is out of the mouth.”

Excerpt From: Dale Carnegie. “How to Win Friends & Influence People.” iBooks.

How To Interest People

Be interested in what others have to say.

How To Make People Like You Instantly

When someone is having a bad day, compliment them. (Story of Port of Subs in the podcast down below).

You Can’t Win An Argument

You can’t win an argument. You can’t because if you lose it, you lose it; and if you win it, you lose it. Why? Well, suppose you triumph over the other man and shoot his argument full of holes and prove that he is non compos mentis. Then what? You will feel fine. But what about him? You have made him feel inferior. You have hurt his pride. He will resent your triumph. And—

The Safety Valve In Handling Complaints

Most people trying to win others to their way of thinking do too much talking themselves. Let the other people talk themselves out. They know more about their business and problems than you do. So ask them questions. Let them tell you a few things.
If you disagree with them you may be tempted to interrupt. But don’t. It is dangerous. They won’t pay attention to you while they still have a lot of ideas of their own crying for expression. So listen patiently and with an open mind. Be sincere about it. Encourage them to express their ideas fully.

A Simple Way To Make A First Good Impression

How To Criticize And Not Be Hated For It

 

 

 

Final Podcast of This Book

Dale Carnegie’s: Make The Fault Seem Easy To Correct

As a teacher, we could definitely be extremely hard on our students.  In America, most teachers would berate the students who don’t do well on the test instead of giving criticism and not being hated for it.  For example, 26 out of 30 students do well and the 4 others – not so well.  Who gets the attention; let alone, attention that won’t serve them in the future? We’re told to categorize these students because they have “special needs” compared to the other students.  In Thailand, there are programs called “gifted” where the students are more “intelligent” than others.  However, the others are labeled as “normal” and they end up believing that suggestion.  A travesty at it’s very worst.

I’ve worked with teachers who have made students leave the classroom, crying, because they didn’t answer him correctly.  Get this, the student paid more than 400$ in tuition to learn English and now she’s gone.  Do they reprimand the teacher? Absolutely not.

However, teachers who prepare their lessons out of this world for their students get demonized.

I might’ve gone on a tirade, but just trying to make a point.  Teachers need to learn that constant ridicule and criticism is not going to help the student.

Tell your child, your spouse, or your employee that he or she is stupid or dumb at a certain thing, has no gift for it, and is doing it all wrong, and you have destroyed almost every incentive to try to improve. But use the opposite technique—be liberal with your encouragement, make the thing seem easy to do, let the other person know that you have faith in his ability to do it, that he has an undeveloped flair for it—and he will practice until the dawn comes in the window in order to excel – such as what I’ve been doing.

Later, one particular individual did make up for his complete mishap by showing me what I did and not giving any criticism.  It was basically looking myself in my own mirror and saying, “ahhh, ok, Arsenio.  Tough luck.  It happens, but this doesn’t measure one bit of success.”

Podcast

https://www.spreaker.com/user/thearseniobuckshow/make-the-fault-seem-easy-to-correct

 

 

How To Spur People On To Success

There was a man by the name of JoJo, who was my next door neighbour years ago back in Las Vegas.  He was an interesting guy to say the least, but before he set off to church one Sunday morning, he stood in my living room giving me and my mother a lecture.  It went something like this.

“Look what’s happening around America.  The African American community, which is our community, is the worst community of all America because instead of being happy about one’s success, they find ways to tear their own people down to join misery again.  However, if you look at Mexicans, they encourage the hell out of each other because they want to see their own people succeed.” – JoJo

Now that I think about it – my brother, who’s always been the antagonist, is one of those people who would LOVE to see me fail.

This doesn’t revolve around just the African American community, but African communities are completely ravaged with extreme hate that leads, and have lead, to genocides.  This really makes me sit down and scratch my head, because countries like Maldives are unbelievably fascinating to me – given the fact that the government is so “pro” people and everyone gets along.  There’s no violence on the streets or even muggings…..but why?

While I was in Vietnam, two people would collide while riding mopeds, get up, put each others’ arms on one another and ask if they’re ok before going on about their day.

But this is probably just the way they’re programmed.

Let’s get back to success, where LeBron James, who’s a prolific basketball player, is hated immensely in the African American community.

How can we begin to program ourselves and wish someone success, regardless or religion, creed, or color?

“Pete Barlow was an old friend of mine. He had a dog-and-pony act and spent his life traveling with circuses and vaudeville shows. I loved to watch Pete train new dogs for his act. I noticed that the moment a dog showed the slightest improvement, Pete patted and praised him and gave him meat and made a great to-do about it.
That’s nothing new. Animal trainers have been using that same technique for centuries.
Why, I wonder, don’t we use the same common sense when trying to change people that we use when trying to change dogs? Why don’t we use meat instead of a whip? Why don’t we use praise instead of condemnation? Let us praise even the slightest improvement. That inspires the other person to keep on improving.” – Dale Carnegie

Praise!

Yes, that simple little compliment can change one’s life! I’ve seen teachers steer students away from suicide by telling them that they “are” enough.

One afternoon class had finished at the Dental Faculty Practice at the College of Southern Nevada.  My teacher, by the name of Mrs. Mulcahy, pulled me aside and said, “Arsenio, can I talk to you?”  I stood over the table where she was standing, just in front of the projector and she told me, “Arsenio, you can’t teach personality.  What you have right now is a gift and it’s going to take you a long way.”  Because of the praise by professor Mulcahy, I went on to be one of the finest dental assisting temps in all of Sydney, Australia.  That personality has flourished into something so magnificent and so wonderful that people in almost 100 different countries tune into my show.  That praise I never got from any of my direct or indirect family, or friends.

“Praise is like sunlight to the warm human spirit; we cannot flower and grow without it. And yet, while most of us are only too ready to apply to others the cold wind of criticism, we are somehow reluctant to give our fellow the warm sunshine of praise.” – Psychologist Jess Lair

Podcast

How To Criticize – And Not Be Hated For It + Talking About Your Own Mistakes First

“Many people begin their criticism with sincere praise followed by the word “but” and ending with a critical statement. For example, in trying to change a child’s careless attitude toward studies, we might say, “We’re really proud of you, Johnnie, for raising your grades this term. But if you had worked harder on your algebra, the results would have been better.” – Dale Carnegie

As a teacher, I try not focusing on the problem at hand. EVER. Instead, I try using this technique.  It’s kind of like this, if my student wrote a wonderful essay (but made a few grammatical mistakes), I will give as much praise as possible then correct the mistake in front of them without saying anything – simply stating it after and they’ll realize it without hearing me actually critique them.  It’s somewhere in the realm of “echoing.”  If my student uses grammar incorrectly, I say it the correct way for them to hear it and repeat it…and this works 90% of the time.

I see a lot of teachers stop the conversation to correct the student; resulting in a loss of confidence, which ultimately makes them afraid to speak English.

“My niece, Josephine Carnegie, had come to New York to be my secretary. She was nineteen, had graduated from high school three years previously, and her business experience was a trifle more than zero. She became one of the most proficient secretaries west of Suez, but in the beginning, she was—well, susceptible to improvement. One day when I started to criticize her, I said to myself: “Just a minute, Dale Carnegie; just a minute. You are twice as old as Josephine. You have had ten thousand times as much business experience. How can you possibly expect her to have your viewpoint, your judgment, your initiative—mediocre though they may be? And just a minute, Dale, what were you doing at nineteen? Remember the asinine mistakes and blunders you made? Remember the time you did this… and that…” – Dale Carnegie

Does this paragraph relate to anyone? Are we perfect ALL the time? Are we even perfect half the time? Before you start judging anyone who is younger than you, imagine you being the same age and doing the same things they’re doing.  These are the growing pains and learning years of adolescence.  Don’t be too critical.

I also had a situation yesterday where I confronted the staff at my condo, telling them that my water bill was too high.  However, just two months ago, my toilet was constantly running and I didn’t think for ONE MINUTE…that I should report it.  Because I didn’t report it, I had a 800% increase on my water bill and 400% increase the month before.  Admitting your mistakes gives you a sense of peace, but don’t be too critical on yourself…as I was yesterday.  These things happen.  Don’t start calling yourself names because of not reacting the way you would have wanted to.

Podcast

https://www.spreaker.com/user/thearseniobuckshow/how-to-criticize-and-not-be-hated-for-it

How To Criticize — And Not Be Hated For It

Is it possible? Perhaps!

“Charles Schwab was passing though one of his steel mills one day at noon when he came across some of his employees smoking. Immediately above their heads was a sign that said “No Smoking.” Did Schwab point to the sign and say, “Can’t you read?” Oh, no not Schwab. He walked over to the men, handed each one a cigar, and said, “I’ll appreciate it, boys, if you will smoke these on the outside.” They knew that he knew that they had broken a rule—and they admired him because he said nothing about it and gave them a little present and made them feel important. Couldn’t keep from loving a man like that, could you?”

Excerpt From: Dale Carnegie. “How to Win Friends & Influence People.”

Pretty smart, right? How often do we find ourselves in shouting matches with people at our local convenience stories? Working up a sweat and raising your blood pressure only to see that “enemy” smiling while waving ‘goodbye.’  They win, you lose.

As human beings, we’re quick to criticize.  I was recently killing my brain cells while watching useless MMA YouTube videos. While I was watching some of these videos, I would see the MMA fighters not only lacking confidence, but blaming reporters for the “stirring” up of everything.  I like the Marshawn Lynch and Richard Sherman approach of everything.

The lady tries to criticize him and he asks her follow-up questions to question her credibility.  This is an excellent way with dealing with critics in general.

Marshawn just completely ignores them by saying, “yes.” I find it amusing.

“Many people begin their criticism with sincere praise followed by the word “but” and ending with a critical statement. For example, in trying to change a child’s careless attitude toward studies, we might say, “We’re really proud of you, Johnnie, for raising your grades this term. But if you had worked harder on your algebra, the results would have been better.”
In this case, Johnnie might feel encouraged until he heard the word “but.” He might then question the sincerity of the original praise. To him, the praise seemed only to be a contrived lead-in to a critical inference of failure. Credibility would be strained, and we probably would not achieve our objectives of changing Johnnie’s attitude toward his studies.
This could be easily overcome by changing the word “but” to “and.” “We’re really proud of you, Johnnie, for raising your grades this term, and by continuing the same conscientious efforts next term, your algebra grade can be up with all the others.”
Now, Johnnie would accept the praise because there was no follow-up of an inference of failure. We have called his attention to the behavior we wished to change indirectly, and the chances are he will try to live up to our expectations.”

Dale Carnegie wrote this in his book and it couldn’t have been more true.

 

Negative Opinions About “The Secret”

When the secret was first introduced to the world back in 2006, I was unaware of it until 2007.  I still remember that day like it was yesterday, because I ended up attracting to me my father, who I hadn’t seen in the previous six years of my life, on the bus.  Within an hour after finishing the movie, I narrowly got onto a bus where my father entered just two stops later.  I snugged my head between my legs and said, “nope, I’m not saying a damn thang to that fool!”

Within an hour I realized how I can attract individuals into my life.  About a month later, I got into a shouting party with my brother because he unwittingly demeaned everything about the secret saying, “the universe? Ahh hell nah. That s***s too crazy for me” in dumb downed rhetoric.  My friend Ty, who’s attending Harvard’s Dental School at this very moment, came between us and a war of fists.

Why am I bringing up these two situations that coincide with each other? Well, I saw someone by the name of Gary V ranting in front of a crowd about how ‘The Secret’ is bs.  Now, you have to remember that criticizing others beliefs, differences, cultural backgrounds and opinions is a gateway to a fierce argument.  I always tell my listeners that you can be a believer in god, allah, buddha, or anything you want – what you must do, though….is accept others opinions – regardless if you believe it to be right or wrong.

He went on to say that “being positive is the key”…but being positive is also cultivated from the mind, which has created so much of what’s around us.  On top of that, the mind is energy, and energy is the universe.  This is exactly what ‘The Secret’ is.

I won’t go on a long disagreement, but remember, never let people use auto-suggestion to dictate your beliefs.  If I was weak, I would’ve allowed myself to believe his opinion and do away with what’s written in my essence.  This is the destroyer of so many futures because we listen to other people and create our beliefs around it.

Believe in what you believe in and don’t let someone else say otherwise.

Do This – & Criticism Can’t Hurt You

“I discovered years ago that although I couldn’t keep people from criticising me unjustly, I could do something infinitely more important: I could determine whether I would let the unjust condemnation disturb me.  Let’s be clear about this: I am not advocating ignoring all criticism.  Far from it.  I am talking about ignoring only unjust criticism.”

Doing the thing society tells you not to do is a quick way to overcome the jitters.  The jitters that society uses against you in auto-suggestion form.

Close your eyes for one second.  For those of you who live in Japan, China, Korea, and other countries around the world – visualize being on a train.  What do you see? Who do you see? Are they all doing the same thing? 9 times out of 10 – they are.  They’re standing a specific way in fear that someone may be looking at them, video recording them, or even taking a picture of them.  People are terrified of being criticized by others so they conform to doing the same thing other people do.

Back in the south of Thailand, Thai teachers would say, “why do you go running? You’re a teacher. You shouldn’t be seen in public.  Why are you singing? Why are you happy? You’re a teacher! You can’t do that!”

So, I approved of the outlandish “Thai Culture” suggestion, indicating that I need to have a specific character to fit the description of an abysmal teacher.

I broke away from those chains over the last two years.  For instance, on a typical day I go running, I wear a headband (as I do on the bus when I head to the gym), and depending on if people are looking at me in a particular way, I sing/rap to whatever I’m listening to.  Why?  Because I’m literally telling the world that I don’t give a GOD DAMN about them.

Onlookers look at me in awe, shaking their heads – sometimes in disgust because they’ve never seen a runner sweat the way I do.  That’s fine.  They can think whatever the hell they want to think because at the end of the day I always ask myself: are they paying my bills? Are they investors? Do they even respect me? No.  So you don’t even exist to me.

Remember That No One Ever Kicks A Dead Dog

What does this mean?

Well, to be very blunt, no one would try to seek vengeance on someone who has already died.  For example, Les Brown once said, “people die at 20 but they’re not buried until 70.”

This is the reference I’m trying to give you.

“So when you are kicked and criticised, remember that it is often done because it gives the kicker a feeling of importance.  It often means that you are accomplishing something and are worthy of attention.  Many people get a sense of savage satisfaction out of denouncing those who are better educated than they are or more successful.” – Dale Carnegie

How true is this for the reader? Well, look at the circumstances you go through or have been through in your school/work related life? How many times can you count off the top of your head someone, being at your school or work place, denouncing you for whatever reason.  Literally inventing things out of thin air to drop your defences? This is what these “dead dogs” do.  It’s unfortunate we have to refer to other human beings as a dead animal, but I’m speaking figuratively, not literally.

Let’s put this into perspective.

First Story – Hubert

There was a guy name Hubert I used to work with.  Hubert was a very closed, cynical dutchman who hated everything about Thailand.  When I asked him about his past, he was irked and almost shut down the conversation.  Apparently he had kids with a Thai wife, and now they no longer speak to him.  There were several other red flags when working with him, so I decided to keep away from him for the sake of myself.

What ended up happening is the moment I made the conscious effort to say “enough is enough. I can no longer join this whiney bitch party,” I then became the talk of the language center.  He tried his hardest to have me retaliate to his primary school antics.  It could go from stepping on my shoes, to talking to teachers about books I like….degrading them.  Well, the coordinator came into my room one day and said, “some of the teachers aren’t happy about what you’re saying on the podcast.”  My jaw dropped and I had a feeling go down my spine.  I knew it was Hubert, so I asked him, “wait, you’re telling me Hubert put my name in on google to see if he can find dirt about me? You’re not asking him why he did that, nor are you telling him NOT to stop?”  As a “boss,” Upham was pathetic, but he hated confrontation.

Fast-forwarding it…that’s when all the dead dogs that I worked with: the sex tourists, wife tourists, pedaphiles, and sex offenders tried getting me fired by ignoring me.  Hubert, who was the culprit of it all, ended up firing himself because he had terrible complaints from the students.  His workload fell completely and I said, “you know what, don’t quit.”  The front office staff messaged me and told me to be strong, so I came back stronger than ever the next day, not backing down from the Gen B’s.  Why? They’re already dead….so-to-speak.  They’ve given up on life.  They’re running from the past and all I can do is have empathy and the awareness that I have to stay away from them.

Second Story – Ian

Ian, who is/was 70-years-old with a 30-year-old wife, was another one who was finished.  Like Gary Vee says, “if you complain in the first hour I’ve met you…you’ve lost.”  Ian would make smart comments and chastize the students along with another savage teacher by the name of Robert.  Ian is one of those guys who say, “hello, Arsenio.”  Later on that evening, he send an email to the head fool saying, “Arsenio is using the interactive whiteboard to promote his YouTube channel.”

I seriously believe there was something wrong in Ian’s head.  You can’t be my friend if you’re trying to get me fired.  Also, he would give me chocolates and print so much information about different things….yet talk bad about me behind my back? Dead dog – check.

What can I learn from all of this? Well, I’ve worked with people who’ve had insidious agenda.  I was the remarkably inspiring teacher…and I was shoved away.  Why was I shoved away? Literally speaking, because I was “color.”  Speaking from a more deeper level, I shouldn’t have been there.  This is why I ended up quitting.  I was working with a bunch of disgraceful pseudo-teachers/quitters at this particular language center and it was burying me more as the months went on.  When the above story happened with Hubert, I should’ve quit….but then he would’ve won.  Later on that year, I should’ve resigned and moved on. but I was fearful that no one else would accept a “black” man as a teacher.

Boy….was I wrong.

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