Stephen Covey’s Speed of Trust: Season 4 – Episode 3 – The Five Waves of Trust

Stephen Covey posted in the book what I THOUGHT was AMAZING! Let’s break it down.

Five years ago I was working with some associates in a small group and they loved the approach: “We love this leadership content! It’s right on! But our division leaders don’t understand this.  They are the ones who really need to hear it.”

After that, he presented the content to the division leaders: we’re in full agreement with everything you’re saying.  This approach is GREAT! The problem is that the people who really need it are our bosses.”

He went to the bosses…..and again…..”We are enthusiastic about this content! It’s very insightful and helpful.  But our counterparts in the five divisions don’t understand this.  They are the ones who need to hear it.”

It went on and on, as you can see.  Finally, after probably 7-8 presentations, there was the CEO.

“This content is great, but I’m powerless.  I can do nothing.  It’s all in the hands of the board.”

His father once said, “if you think the problem is out there, that very thought is the problem.”

People, just because there are trust issues in your workplace, to your personal life, it doesn’t mean you’re powerless!  In fact, you probably have no idea how powerful you can be in changing the level of trust in any relationship if you know how to work “from the inside out.”

The First Wave: Self Trust

The first wave deals with us.  Our ability to set and achieve goals, to keep commitments, to walk our talk — and also with our ability to inspire trust in others.

The key underlying principle of this trust is credibility, the four cores we’ll be getting into shortly.

So, when you’re not able to keep your commitments, as mentioned before, you lose integrity, credibility, trust, and so many other things.

The Second Wave: Relationship Trust

Trust accounts. Period.  We will go over the 13 behaviors coming up real soon, and all of these rules can be applied either at home or work.  This can significantly increase the ability to generate trust with all involved in order to enhance relationships.

The Third Wave; Organizational Trust

How leaders can deal with trust.  Gary Vee and Tom Bilyeau were recently speaking on a podcast about trust issues and changing from the top.  If you have trust issues amongst the bottom, imagine what’s happening at the top? I worked for a guy in the heart of CBD and he told the guy below him, “don’t let Arsenio teach TOEIC because the students don’t like black teachers.”  He was against it, ofcourse.  Now I’m writing ebooks on TOEIC because I knew what my strength was.  Sometimes distrust can spell STRENGTH.

The Fourth Wave: Market Trust

This is about your company/personal brand, which reflects the trust customers, investors, and others in the marketplace have in you.

Now that I’m building a personal brand with my ESL podcast and blogs, if and when I start teaching through my business, my name is everything. If my name is attached to thievery and distrust, it’s over. I lose.

The Fifth Wave: Societal Trust

The principle underlying this wave is contribution.  This is why I’m doing my Arsenio Buck Foundation.  We counteract this “giving back” with suspicious, cynicism, and low-trust inheritance. We can also inspire others to create value and contribute, as well.

So, I’ll first talk about restoring trust, seeking, speaking, behaving, and then we’ll kick off the first wave.

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Podcast

Stephen Covey – Empathic Listening

“Seek first to understand.”

We’re always the first ones that want to be heard first, instead of listening to others first. Michael Bernard Beckwith said on a recent video, “you know sometimes we’re always right.  We’re never wrong.”  However, this could hurt relationships along the way if you don’t become an active listener.

Sometimes when we’re listening we’re preparing to speak.  I won’t name any names, but there is an entrepreneur who’s listening to one individual but he’s already preparing to speak over the other individual.  Self-control also deals a lot with this. We have a tendency of filtering everything through our own paradigms.  We relate it to our lives, too.

Kind of like, “oh, I know exactly how you feel! I went through the same thing.  Let me tell you about my experience.”

We constantly project our home movies onto other people’s behavior.

Here’s a good example out of Stephen Covey’s book.

A father once told me, “I can’t understand my kid.  He just won’t listen to me at all.”

“Let me restate what you just said,” I replied. “You don’t understand your son because he won’t listen to you?”

“That’s right,” he replied.

“Let me try again,” I said. “You don’t understand your son because he won’t listen to you?”

“That’s what I said,” he impatiently replied.

“I thought that to understand another person, you needed to listen to him,” I suggested.

“Oh!” he said. There was a long pause. “Oh!” he said again. “But I do understand him.  I know what he’s going through.  I went through the same thing myself.  I guess what I don’t understand is why he won’t listen to me.”

This man doesn’t have a clue what’s going on inside his boy’s head.  He related his own experiences to his boy.

This is the problem with a lot of us.  We’re filled with our own rightness.  Our conversations become monologues, and we never really understand what’s happening in the inside of another human being.

Podcast

 

Five Major Deposits Into An Emotional Bank Account

It’s time to figure out how to build an emotional bank account.

Understanding The Individual 

What might be perceived as a deposit through the eyes of you might not constitute as one for someone else.  Better yet, it might even be a withdrawal.  Going on a walk, eating ice cream, or doing an activity out of ‘guilt’ will further dampen the account.

Stephen Covey talked about having a friend who was a college professor.  He had a terrible relationship with his teenage son.  This man’s entire life was academic, and thought his son was wasting away his life by using his “hands” instead of using his mind. As a result, he was constantly on the boy’s back, and, in moments of regret, he would try to make deposits that just didn’t work.  What happened more was the boy began perceiving his gestures to be even more rejecting.

So, after Stephen spoke to him about this, he decided to engage with his son in a project to build a Wall of Chin around their home.  Ridiculous time consuming, but the bonding experience occurred whereas that son moved through that phase in his life and into an increased desire to develop his mind.

Our tendency is to project out of our own autobiographies what we think other people want or need.  We project our intentions on the behavior of others.  We interpret what constitutes a deposit based on our own needs and desires, either now or when we were at a similar age or stage in life.  If they don’t interpret our effort as a deposit, our tendency is to take it as a rejection of our well intentioned effort and to give up. – Stephen Covey

“Do unto others as yo would have others do unto you.”

Attending To The Little Things

There was a time Stephen took his sons out for a memorable day trip involving gymnastics, wrestling matches, hotdogs and other things.  At the end of the day, they were watching a movie when Stephen realized one of his sons fell asleep.  The older brother and Stephen kept on watching until the end.  When it was over, he picked up his son, put a coat around him and walked him to the car.  He then realized after getting home that his six-year-old son began to go through withdrawals.  In the car ride home, Stephen tried asking him questions and the answers were very bland.  He wondered what was going on until the very end of the night, his son, who was sleeping in the other bed, turned around with tears and quivering lips and chin before asking, “Daddy, if I were cold, would you put your coat around me, too?”

Of all the events that happened that day, the most important one was a little act of kindness.

What a powerful, personal lesson that is.  I felt the same way when my mother obtained her income tax and took us to “The tower.”  She bought my brother videos games and when I asked for a pair of shoes, my brother influenced her decision and said no.  The entire ride home I was crying, at the age of 15, because I felt she cared more about my brother than I.  People, including myself, are very tender and sensitive inside.

Keeping Commitments

I’ve talked about this subject quite a few times already.  When you cancel over and over and over, the person’s tolerance level will only go so high.  That feeling of distrust and “you don’t care about me” begins to amplify until someone just gives up.  This has happened a lot with me in Thailand.  I canceled my friend on so many different occasions, her ultimately going on a rant and pity party saying, “you don’t give a s*** about me.”  I felt terrible.  If you can’t keep your promise, don’t promise to begin with!

Clarifying Expectations

This is one of those subjects that happen all the time, especially at work.  When someone wants to know their job description and how much they need to do, they can get into a verbal battle with their boss, resulting in an argument that happens over and over and over again.  This happens because of ambiguous expectations around goals and roles.

That’s why it’s so important whenever you come into a new situation to get all the expectations out on the table.  People will begin to judge each other through those expectations.  And if they feel like their basic expectations have been violated, the serve of trust is diminished.  We create many negative situations by simply assuming that our expectations are self-evident and that they are clearly understood and shared by other people. – Stephen Covey

Apologizing Sincerely When You Make A Withdrawal

  • I was wrong.
  • That was unkind of me.
  • I showed you no respect.
  • I gave you no dignity, and I’m deeply sorry.
  • I embarrassed you in front of your friends and I had no call to do that.  Even though I wanted to make a point, I never should have done it.  I apologize.”

It takes a great deal of strength to apologize quickly.

I was eating my favorite pizza in the world and salad when my staff came in five minutes before class began to bring students inside.  I told her, “I’m eating.”  Both her, and the maid, completely disregarded my comment; so this resulted in my standing up, grabbing my belongings in haste and storming out of the class.  In doing so, she asked me, “are you ok?”

I retorted, “all I wanna do is eat my pizza and peace and I can’t even do that.”

She came in a couple minutes later (when I went into the computer room) and apologised.  Later, I felt bad and I apologized, too.  I told her if I don’t eat and get interrupted while trying to get energy in my body, I have a tendency of exploding.  OOPS!

Hopefully these things will help you guys going forward and my podcast is down below!