Lewis Howes: Aggressive Mask – Introduction

Imagine the moments before a fight.  One of the biggest fights that I’ve ever watched had to be Tito Trinidad vs. Ricardo Mayorga.  This was big on so many levels because it was the Puerto Ricans versus the Nicaraguans.  At one point in one of the rounds, Ricardo Mayorga began taunting Trinidad and there was an uproar in the house, people literally screaming at the television.  At the specific moment I couldn’t hear a word that was being said by my friend and he was standing six inches from me.

Fast-forwarding to a fight when Miguel Cotto got pummelled by Antonio Margarito.  I remember seeing the state of Miguel’s face and wondered, “how does he look that bad?”  Later, Margarito’s trainer was seen by Shane Mosley’s camp — putting plaster into the gloves of Antonio.  If you guys don’t know the horrific story of Billy Collins, this is exactly what probably took place during the Miguel Cotto fight.  Plaster, after being consumed and inundated with sweat, begins to harden.  Miguel said during the fight, “he got stronger as the rounds went on.”  There’s no real evidence, but we all know the truth.

That was from 2004, to 2008, and then after seeing interviews by boxing greats such as Evander Holyfield, Riddick Bowe, Thomas Hearns….I couldn’t understand a word that was being said from their mouths.  Why? They lost more than 50% of their speaking capabilities because the constant blows to the head.

So after seeing everything take place the way it did over decades of being a boxing fan, I no longer supported the sport.  Human beings literally raging in the stands, shouting, cheering on an assault between two men or two women.

Welcome to the aggressive mask.

Andy Cona, who’s a British cage fighter, said this…

“The first fight I ever had was like a release. Like, “I’m allowed to hit this lad, and it’s making me feel better.” See, I don’t have a family. Me and my brother were put into [foster] homes. He was everything—he was my mom, my dad, my brother, and my sister. He was everyone, and then he killed himself. I’ve never, ever told anyone that. I don’t like to show people weakness. I’m broken inside, I know I am.”

Lewis Howes went on to say, “but still, there’s something scary about taking years of childhood issues and pain and channeling them outward at a total stranger for money and fame. As Andy’s story reveals, for the most part, the pain you inflict on others never reduces the pain you are trying to escape from within yourself.”

If you look at the majority of athletes, especially in America, they’re all inner-city kids.  Mike Tyson had a horrendous childhood and be brought along a lot of those problems outside the ring, becoming a very polarizing character in the 1990’s.

Thai prison systems, which are very controversial, has inmates practice Muay Thai and fight – fighters outside the prison yard.

What is it with aggressiveness and pouring on all your childhood pain, mistakes, and suffering onto another individual rather than honing into 100%?  Sure, no one asked to be molested.  I didn’t deserve to be dropped at a doorstep myself in 1999…however, it happened.  Did I make that my story to why I’m such a “f*** up?” No.

Ray Lewis, who had upbringings beyond comprehension, is the greatest linebacker to ever play the position in the NFL.  Fierce, ferocious, tenacity, inspirational, hungry, and just a demon on the field……he was able to unleash his childhood tribulations into wrestling first (in high school), then onto the football field.  His mother was abused for a long time by her bf….and Ray Lewis asked, “mom, you have two black eyes! Let’s go!”

She said, “no.  He’s our only means of financial stability. We can’t leave.”

Ray Lewis used a deck of cards to relieve himself of so much pain by doing pushups.  1-10; jacks, queens and kings are ten; ace 11; and jokers were I think 11-21.  I’m not sure what the exact number is, but I’m sure he did over 300 pushups.

At 41, he said this in Lewis Howes podcast interview.

“There are certain moments in a child’s life that a father should never miss because when you replace [that influence], most of the time you replace it with things that get you in trouble. I replaced it with dominance over another individual. I had hate for my father, and that hate turned into fuel. I don’t encourage anybody to live the way I lived.” – Ray Lewis

It’s like young men don’t have an outlet to their anxiety, anger or other things.  I saw the students, when I was a student, sit in class and stay quiet while they were getting bullied by other aggressive kids.  Then the shooting massacre in Colorado happened in 1999.  I was listening to Gary Vee yesterday and he was saying that poor parenting results in bullies and children being bullied.  Why do children have this aggressiveness that generates into an Alpha Mask.  Stories of Ariece, P’Allen, and Marcos (childhood classmates) will be in my podcast down below! Time to welcome in this introduction!

Podcast

Five Major Deposits Into An Emotional Bank Account

It’s time to figure out how to build an emotional bank account.

Understanding The Individual 

What might be perceived as a deposit through the eyes of you might not constitute as one for someone else.  Better yet, it might even be a withdrawal.  Going on a walk, eating ice cream, or doing an activity out of ‘guilt’ will further dampen the account.

Stephen Covey talked about having a friend who was a college professor.  He had a terrible relationship with his teenage son.  This man’s entire life was academic, and thought his son was wasting away his life by using his “hands” instead of using his mind. As a result, he was constantly on the boy’s back, and, in moments of regret, he would try to make deposits that just didn’t work.  What happened more was the boy began perceiving his gestures to be even more rejecting.

So, after Stephen spoke to him about this, he decided to engage with his son in a project to build a Wall of Chin around their home.  Ridiculous time consuming, but the bonding experience occurred whereas that son moved through that phase in his life and into an increased desire to develop his mind.

Our tendency is to project out of our own autobiographies what we think other people want or need.  We project our intentions on the behavior of others.  We interpret what constitutes a deposit based on our own needs and desires, either now or when we were at a similar age or stage in life.  If they don’t interpret our effort as a deposit, our tendency is to take it as a rejection of our well intentioned effort and to give up. – Stephen Covey

“Do unto others as yo would have others do unto you.”

Attending To The Little Things

There was a time Stephen took his sons out for a memorable day trip involving gymnastics, wrestling matches, hotdogs and other things.  At the end of the day, they were watching a movie when Stephen realized one of his sons fell asleep.  The older brother and Stephen kept on watching until the end.  When it was over, he picked up his son, put a coat around him and walked him to the car.  He then realized after getting home that his six-year-old son began to go through withdrawals.  In the car ride home, Stephen tried asking him questions and the answers were very bland.  He wondered what was going on until the very end of the night, his son, who was sleeping in the other bed, turned around with tears and quivering lips and chin before asking, “Daddy, if I were cold, would you put your coat around me, too?”

Of all the events that happened that day, the most important one was a little act of kindness.

What a powerful, personal lesson that is.  I felt the same way when my mother obtained her income tax and took us to “The tower.”  She bought my brother videos games and when I asked for a pair of shoes, my brother influenced her decision and said no.  The entire ride home I was crying, at the age of 15, because I felt she cared more about my brother than I.  People, including myself, are very tender and sensitive inside.

Keeping Commitments

I’ve talked about this subject quite a few times already.  When you cancel over and over and over, the person’s tolerance level will only go so high.  That feeling of distrust and “you don’t care about me” begins to amplify until someone just gives up.  This has happened a lot with me in Thailand.  I canceled my friend on so many different occasions, her ultimately going on a rant and pity party saying, “you don’t give a s*** about me.”  I felt terrible.  If you can’t keep your promise, don’t promise to begin with!

Clarifying Expectations

This is one of those subjects that happen all the time, especially at work.  When someone wants to know their job description and how much they need to do, they can get into a verbal battle with their boss, resulting in an argument that happens over and over and over again.  This happens because of ambiguous expectations around goals and roles.

That’s why it’s so important whenever you come into a new situation to get all the expectations out on the table.  People will begin to judge each other through those expectations.  And if they feel like their basic expectations have been violated, the serve of trust is diminished.  We create many negative situations by simply assuming that our expectations are self-evident and that they are clearly understood and shared by other people. – Stephen Covey

Apologizing Sincerely When You Make A Withdrawal

  • I was wrong.
  • That was unkind of me.
  • I showed you no respect.
  • I gave you no dignity, and I’m deeply sorry.
  • I embarrassed you in front of your friends and I had no call to do that.  Even though I wanted to make a point, I never should have done it.  I apologize.”

It takes a great deal of strength to apologize quickly.

I was eating my favorite pizza in the world and salad when my staff came in five minutes before class began to bring students inside.  I told her, “I’m eating.”  Both her, and the maid, completely disregarded my comment; so this resulted in my standing up, grabbing my belongings in haste and storming out of the class.  In doing so, she asked me, “are you ok?”

I retorted, “all I wanna do is eat my pizza and peace and I can’t even do that.”

She came in a couple minutes later (when I went into the computer room) and apologised.  Later, I felt bad and I apologized, too.  I told her if I don’t eat and get interrupted while trying to get energy in my body, I have a tendency of exploding.  OOPS!

Hopefully these things will help you guys going forward and my podcast is down below!

 

 

Jack Canfield – Just Say No

You don’t have to let yourself be terrorized by other people’s expectations of you.” – Sue Patton Thoele.

Let me be frank, this world is a highly competitive place. There are hundreds of thousands of people competing in fields just as I am writing this, so more and more concentration is needed everyday just to stay focused and complete those daily tasks to pursue the longer-term goals, right?

We can be reached just about any day at any time in the technological word. I’m talking by email, text, fax, cell phone, social media.  If you’re not at an office or busy, people will leave messages or maybe would even use call waiting.

Your kids will want things, coworkers might need help when it’s their responsibility to finish, boss wants you to do extra shifts, sister wants  you to keep an eye on the kids…..I can go on and on.

Simply put…we take on a heck of a lot more than we can comfortably deliver.

I, myself, don’t have this problem – yet.  In the future, I will definitely need a personal assistant.  For the meantime, you guys just have to say no.

I had a colleague before get asked a favor and he said no very frankly. I thought it was blatantly rude, but most successful people out there would say “no” and that’s it.

In the future, when you’re peddling the business, you’re going to have to eliminate those activities, requests, and other time-stealers in its entirety that don’t have the highest payoff.

For example, Jack Canfield has his “don’t do” policy….

  • I don’t give endorsements for books of fiction.
  • I don’t schedule more than five talks in one month.
  • I no longer coauthor books with first-time authors.  Their learning curve is too time-consuming and expensive.
  • I don’t take any calls on Tuesday and Thursdays.  Those are writing or product development days.
  • I don’t lend my books to other people.  They rarely come back, and they are the source of my livelihood, so I don’t lend them out.
  • I don’t lend money.  I am not a bank. (THE TRUTH!!!!)
  • I don’t discuss charitable contributions over the phone.  Send me something in writing.

Say No To The Good So That You Can Say Yes To The Great

An incredible example to this is I was actually denied a job teaching a test preparation course called (TOEIC) at a particular place years ago because the owner was scared the students would complain that I was black.

Shortly after, the boss underneath him approached me and said, “hey, I got you in for the course. Can you still do it”

“No.”

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Months later, I ended up teaching TOEIC in front of 100 students on a crazy excursion and have had bigger projects whereas I’ve taught 300 at one time.

Is this your situation – constantly chasing after mediocre prospects or pursuing misguided, racial schemes for success when you could be holding at bay opportunities for astounding achievement?

Jack Canfield – “Instead of dedicating yourself – and your time – to mundane, nonproductive, time-stealing activities, imagine how rapidly you would reach your goals and improve your life if you said no to those time-wasting activities and instead focused on the 20% of activity that would bring you the most benefit.”

How Can You Determine What’s Truly Great, So You Can Say No To What’s Merely Good?

1. Start by listing your opportunities – one side of the page for good and the other side for great.

2. Talk to advisors about this potential new pursuit.

3. Test the waters. Rather than just take a leap of faith that the new opportunity will proceed as you expect, conduct a small test, spending limited about of time and money.

4. And finally, look at where you spend your time.

Stephen Covey – Circle of Concern vs. Circle of Influence

“People think the world is going insane right now with the problems happening but I think we’re doing just fine.  7 million of us cramped up on this planet….I think we’re going a pretty good job.” – Jim Carey

This is a prime example of not only proactive language, but also the circle of concern which is the activity that I’ll be talking about out of Stephen Covey’s book.

Look at how you focus your time an energy.  Really….take a look.  Are you focusing on things that you have no control over? Or things you can control?

We have a wide range of problems: health, children, problems at work, debt, nuclear war, etc.  There are some things that we can control and others that are way out of our control. We can separate from these particular things in which we have no particular or emotional involvement by creating a “Circle of Concern.”

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“As we look at those things within our Circle of Concern, it becomes apparent that there are some things over which we have no real control and others that we can do something about.” Stephen Covey.

A lot of foreigners residing in Thailand, for instance, complain heavily about just about everything in Thailand; from the cat down the road, to one of the biggest shopping centers in the heart of Bangkok.  None of these things in which they have control over.  Get the picture?

Proactive people, on the other hand, focus their energy on the Circle of Influence.  Things they can actually do something about.

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Reactive people focus their efforts in the Circle of Concern.  They focus soon the weakness of other people, the problems in the environment, and circumstances over which they have no control.  Their focus results in blaming and accusing attitudes, reactive language, and increased feelings of victimization.  The negative energy generated by that focus, combined with everything else, causes their Circle of Influence to shrink.

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Stephen Covey said, “Be a light, not a judge.  Be a model, not a critic.”

For the next week, see where you fit in. See if you can control the energy that you’re emanating. See if you’re reactive vs. proactive.  Listen to your language.

Podcast – https://www.spreaker.com/episode/10222857