Masks of Masculinity: Season 1: Episode 2 – What Can You Do Right Now To Remove The Alpha Mask

“The first step to shedding this mask is, in a way, just embracing that fact. Just give yourself enough gut-check moments about the kind of behavior you see around you. It isn’t enough to see it; you’ve got to see it and then have a reaction that’s more critical than complimentary.” – Lewis Howes

Honestly, your true friends don’t give a damn about how “alpha” you are.  All it takes is for a male to say that “one time” and I’ll switch him off and can him in no-time.  Alpha Males honestly pile a lot of pure pressure on their peers.  I saw my brother succumb to pure pressure back in 2000 when his friend, Brandon, told him to spoke a cigarette.  When I saw him smoking a cigarette, I was amazed.  What is this 14-year-old kid doing smoking a cigarette; let alone he’s my brother.

Now that I think of it, all of these alpha males my brother is or was friends with ultimately took him down a path he never wanted to go down.  There was a Puerto Rican, ego-maniacal friend my brother had by the name of Raf who would constantly demean me because I was the “younger” one.  The other friends my brother had at the beginning of his young adulthood had already committed crimes, or they were into drugs, smoking weed and playing videos games all day.  What my brother thought was “cool” was a disease he was slowly drowning himself in.

Now that you know the situations, now it’s time to breakdown what you can actually be free of if you remove this mask.

Win-win scenarios
Being the hero who lifts others up
The joy of being in service
Empowering others around you
Letting go of being in control
Freedom
Deeper sense of love

“Work for win-win scenarios in every possible circumstance. Use your energy to win and empower others to win. Instead of looking for things that separate us, look for things that unite us. Instead of looking for evidence that your way is the only way, try other people’s ways. Listen, connect, and hear other people’s ideas. A true leader doesn’t need to be right in order to feel worthy; he is able to see the best idea from anyone and bring it to light.”

Excerpt From: Lewis Howes. “The Mask of Masculinity.” iBooks.

What does winning mean to you? What does losing mean to you? If you look at all the NFL players, they’re obsessed with winning and hate losing.  Losing is the greatest part of life…and this is how a lot of them are sucked into wearing the Alpha Mask.

I lose everyday in Thailand.  I lose at getting the typical passerby’s respect.  That’s my loss, and I love it.  I’m a man who’s not afraid of showing his emotion.  When I cross the line at the Spartan Beast later on this year, I will cry.  I’ll go on Instagram stories and show my emotions to the world, too.  That doesn’t make me any less of a man than Ray Lewis. Your self-worth shouldn’t be wrapped up in winning.

 

 

Season 1: Lewis Howes’ Masks of Masculinity: Alpha Mask – Continued

This is the beginning of the season (but soon to be the end of this book).  Season 1 will be a quickie, since I’ve already finished 95% of this book.  However, expect this to happen from here on out.  Each season will be a new book and I will mark the episodes, too!

“I was nearly 30 years old when the fight happened, and I remember running back to my place after pummeling this guy’s face bloody, flopping onto my bed, and nearly hyperventilating as memories of an equally bloody fight from my childhood flooded my memory banks. At the time, the two fights felt related. It was as if they tapped into a deep pain and anger that I’d never processed. You could say I’d stuffed these unprocessed emotions down and hidden them behind my Stoic Mask and my Athlete Mask. Upon reflection, I think all of that is still true.”

Excerpt From: Lewis Howes. “The Mask of Masculinity.” iBooks.

When I heard about this from Lewis Howes, it reminded what I had done to my sister (in a much less violent way).

My younger sister, Rolonda, was the victim of bullying — by me.  I constantly bullied her since I was young because I was bullied by my older brother.  After doing something I knew was completely wrong, I remember walking into my room, falling on my knees, and covering my face with my hands.  At the time, I had the Alpha Mask on.  No way would I go down stairs to apologize to her, but I should have.  After I returned from Australia, I remember I was an entire different person and we had our first legitimate conversation EVER.  However, I returned back to my bullying because of course, my brother was the one with the power under my mom’s roof (yes, even more than my mother herself).

When you identify these things, you can always connect the dots and see where it all went wrong.

“Here’s the truth: We misunderstand the whole alpha/beta definition. We tend to think of it as strong versus weak, active versus passive, hard versus soft, effective versus ineffective. All of that is nonsense. In most situations, we confuse strength with brutishness. We confuse being active with being directionless. And we confuse being hard with being insecure.”

Excerpt From: Lewis Howes. “The Mask of Masculinity.” iBooks.

The last two sentences really stuck with me.  Directionless and insecure…it’s what I see everyday in society, and especially on videos in YouTube (which I try to stay away from).

Most alpha males, in general, are big football/rugby players.  If you look at every American sports player, they all have big houses and big cars — this is a sign of the material mask because their financial blue print stemmed around “not having enough,” so they want to have the feeling of “having enough” to prove other people wrong, moreover, themselves.

With the Alpha Mask, most men want to show not only physical dominance, but emotional dominance over another.  This is why I mention my brother a lot because he’s the one you could never calm down once he reached a certain threshold of anger.

“So in a locker room for a guy to step out and say, “Hey, listen, that’s not right,” or “Hey, I love you, man,” or whatever it is that steps away from the masculine ideal, he’s going against that strong negativity bias which just says, “I’m in danger if I step out of that norm.” And that’s a really powerful thing. And it takes an environment that’s really supportive to that person to be able to do that.
Any guy reading this book has felt that pressure. Someone makes an off-color joke, and you stay quiet. You see someone getting picked on, and you look the other way. Someone is going through a tough time, and rather than offering him words of comfort, you change the subject or tell him to “be a man.” There is that toxic phrase again. In other words, you act like an alpha because, well, that’s what you’re “supposed” to do with guys, right?”

Excerpt From: Lewis Howes. “The Mask of Masculinity.” iBooks.

Lewis Howes: Joker Mask – Part II

“Like many people, I want to avoid being the dark cloud in other people’s lives, so I pretend things are sunny, even when they are obviously not. So I keep things light, or at surface level. I want to talk about other people. I want to focus on other people’s challenges because focusing on my own feels more vulnerable.”

Excerpt From: Lewis Howes. “The Mask of Masculinity.” iBooks.

But when you’re able to spew your problems out and talk to people about them, like Dale Carnegie once said, you’re able to lift all of that off your chest.

If I can look back at the most “depressed” moments of my life, one coming for only 5-minutes back in 2014, it all had to do with my personal feelings and vendetta.  In 2014, I was denied jobs, face-to-face, because of being African American.  I was in the back of a taxi circling around an area of Bangkok (invasive technique taxi drivers do in Bangkok to rake up the meter), and at the given moment I felt like I was just a spec in the world.  I snapped out of it within minutes.

Also, being dismissed in a relationship in 2009 left me in absolute shambles.  It was the darkest cloud hanging over me, simply because it was my first love.  It took two-months to shake it off, but I did and later went to Australia for the first time in my life that summer.

In 2003, I was surely depressed in the latter portion of the year, but this revolved around my mother not having a job, no food in the house, and two girls not wanting anything to do with me.  This developed anger, which I talked about in an earlier podcast/blog, but I ended up getting over it by joining Track & Field – the best sport to join because you can only place blame on yourself.

I really need to tell this story that I read in Dale Carnegie’s ‘How To Stop Worrying And Start Living.’

Mrs. Moon’s Story

In December, a number of years ago, I was engulfed in a feeling of sorrow and self-pity.  After several years of happy married life, I had lost my husband.  As the Christmas holidays approached, my sadness deepened. I had never spent a Christmas alone in all my life; and I dreaded to see this Christmas come.  Friends had invited me to spend Christmas with them.  But I did not feel up to any gaiety.  I knew I would be a wet blanket at any party.  So, I refused their kind invitations.  As Christmas eve approached, I was more and more overwhelmed with self-pity.  True, I should have been thankful for many things, as all of us have many things for which to be thankful.  The day before christmas, I left my office at 3pm in the afternoon and started walking aimlessly on a street, hoping that I might banish my self-pity and melancholy the avenue was jammed with happy crowds — scenes that brought back memories of happy years that were gone.  I just couldn’t bear the thought of going home to a lonely and empty apartment.  I was bewildered.  I didn’t know what to do.  I couldn’t keep the tears back.  After walking aimlessly for an hour or so, I found myself in front of a bus terminal.  I remember that my husband and I had often boarded an unknown bus for adventure, so I boarded the first bus I found at the station.  After cross the Hudson River and riding for some time, I heard the bus conductor say, ‘Last stop, lady.’  I got off.  I didn’t even know the name of the town.  It was a quiet and peaceful little place.  While waiting for the next bus home, I started walking up a residential street.  As I passed a church, I heard the beautiful strains of “Silent Night.” I went in.  The church was empty except for the organist.  I sat down unnoticed in one of the pews.  The lights from the gaily decorated Christmas tree made the decorations seem like myriads of stars dancing in the moonbeams.  The long-drawn cadences of the music — and the fact that I had forget to eat since morning — made me drowsy.  I went to sleep.

When I awoke, there were two small children who had apparently come in to see the Christmas tree.  One said, “I wonder if Santa Claus brought her.”

The children were terrified when I woke up, but I told them I wouldn’t hurt them.  They were poorly dressed.  I asked them where their mother and daddy were.  “We ain’t got no mother and daddy,” they said. They were orphans.  They made me feel ashamed of my sorrow and self-pity.  I went on to buy them food and refreshments, and I banished my depression instantaneously.

See, in the book they would call this “masking a problem,” but I would disagree completely.  This is basically realizing that you have it well.  There has to be a deeper story to why people, of all statuses, commit suicide.  Robin Williams had all the money, a wife, oscars, and everything – but he ultimately killed himself.  So I will ask again: “what is depression?”

“Beneath the jokes is often a sadness or some problem. Behind the mask—no matter how funny or entertaining—is a real person. Psychologist Edward Dreyfus puts it even more directly: “Perhaps we should listen more attentively to those who hide behind the mask of humor. Perhaps we should be asking them to whom do they turn to make them laugh? Perhaps we should spend a little more effort in seeing the person behind the mask.” If we had listened to what Robin Williams was saying behind his mask, I wonder what we would have heard.”

Excerpt From: Lewis Howes. “The Mask of Masculinity.” iBooks.

Maybe people, who are comedians, just love making people laugh for the sake of bringing joy to the world?

“So many comedians/funny people will tell you they grew up feeling hopelessly inadequate, hideously ugly, impossibly fat, meekly small, and direly insignificant. These deep-rooted insecurities are what provided them with a die-hard desire and unrelenting ambition to be seen, respected, and accepted by their peers. Society will accept you for your flaws, so long as you’re funny. Taking on the role as the class clown at school is the ultimate way for the incessantly bullied kid to gain popularity. – Author Zara

Humor becomes the ultimate mask—one that gets you what you’ve always wanted (acceptance) for being the opposite of who you’ve always been (different). Not surprisingly, this detachment from the emotions and the identity hidden behind the mask can have profound effects on relationships, on professional life, and on overall happiness.” – Lewis Howes

Excerpt From: Lewis Howes. “The Mask of Masculinity.” iBooks.

I read this and I just couldn’t relate.  This part of the book is focusing on how bad “comedy” may be.  So someone, like myself, who loves to make someone laugh, is hiding something? Is that it? Absolutely not.  I know that the more we laugh and have those feelings of joy, the more we attract to us more of those feelings that will keep pushing us to a spiritual and joy “high.”

What Robin Williams had was something much more deep-rooted in his childhood.  Kevin Hart, who’s a comedian, had very little when he was growing up.  He used all of the transgressions in the past as comedy today.  He’s not hiding a thing….or so I believe.

Podcast

Aggressive Mask: Part IV – What Can We Do Right Now?

“In the middle of my conversation with Ray Lewis, I asked him about his definition of a man and whether it had evolved as he got older, had kids, became successful, and ultimately retired. By way of answering my question, he told me a story about when he came to a deeper understanding of the challenges the men in his family have faced.

He was 33 years old. He’d reengaged with his long-absent father, and his father wanted him to meet a man named Shady Ray Whitehead who lived in some little trailer 6 hours outside of Charlotte, North Carolina. He had no idea where they were going or who this man was they were visiting, but when they arrived, he and his father walked in and his father said, “Meet your grandfather.”

Ray sat on the floor while his dad sat on the couch, and they talked. One of the first things out of his father’s mouth was a question to his grandfather that had also run through Ray’s head nearly every day of the first 17 years of his life: “Dad, why’d you leave me?” To say this blindsided Ray would be an understatement.

“Ray sat with this information for a while, listening to his father and grandfather, and started to think about the men in his family who struggled in their relationships. Ray’s realization is something out of a novel, or a sermon:

This is a generational curse, man. My son is 21, I’m 41, my father is 61, my grandfather’s 81. His father is 101. Five generations. Twenty years apart. What are we doing? I rode back home with my father for 6 hours while he kept talking, and I never said a word. When I got done listening to him, I said to him: “You know what a man is? A man accepts all of the wrongs, never complains, forgives, and then moves on.” That’s what a man does, because you can never replace him not being at a football game. Never replace him not being to a wrestling match, or a track meet. Beat up by a group of kids? You can never replace him not being there. You can never replace that. So what you can replace is you can replace it with moving on.”

“This is our work to do. The rewards are, indeed, waiting for us, but they will not make themselves known until we begin the process of dropping our Aggressive Mask.”

Replace it with moving on.  It’s time to top off the chapter with my own story.

My father, in 1999, dropped my brother, my sisters, and I off at a doorstep of a house before driving away.  He said, “knock on the door and ask for your mother.”  We did, and he sped off, not seeing him again for the ensuing months.  It was odd, me being only 11 years old and living in more than 5 different households over a year span.

In 2000, I saw someone walking down the street and said, “that looks like my dad!”  Minutes later, I went back home and I was right.  It was my father….and him being in the same household as my mother, went nuts.  Not necessarily on his end, but my mother bursts into anger anytime she hears the name “Willie.”  He wanted “in” our lives, and so my mother granted that if we wanted it.

I remember he was on the phone and I was suppose to go to him that weekend.  I said, “dad, do you have the video games?”  What sounded like video games weren’t, but my father was a master at lying.  After naming three videos games, the third one being my favorite, I bursted into tears of joy before going upstairs to tell my mom.  My mother eavesdropped on the conversation because you could do that by picking up the other line 18 years ago.  I told her what my father got and she said, “he didn’t get you those games. He’s lying.”

I said, “you never did anything for us.”

She cried.

I felt absolutely wretched….even more wretched because she was telling the truth.  My dad was a liar from day 1 and I never knew it until of course that day.  I remember seeing him maybe late 2000 after he came over.  After that, I never saw him again, only hearing his voice on a bus in 2007 and looking square into his eyes in another incident (on the bus) one year later.

I’m blaming him for being the amazing man I am today.

“A man who struggles with aggression needs, first and foremost, to channel his energy and anger in a constructive direction. There are a number of ways to do this at a practical level:
▸Create a wrecking room in your house where you can get it out safely. Fill it with things to smash, push, hit, and pummel. If you can’t get a room, get a pillow. Beat the hell out of it. And repeat.
▸Do cathartic shouting exercises once a week. Scream it out!
▸Take a boxing class, work out, swim, or run.
▸Create an affirmation (e.g., “I’m a peaceful, joyful, loving man”) that you say when you want to break something or get aggressive. – Lewis Howes

Podcast

 

Lewis Howes: Aggressive Mask – Introduction

Imagine the moments before a fight.  One of the biggest fights that I’ve ever watched had to be Tito Trinidad vs. Ricardo Mayorga.  This was big on so many levels because it was the Puerto Ricans versus the Nicaraguans.  At one point in one of the rounds, Ricardo Mayorga began taunting Trinidad and there was an uproar in the house, people literally screaming at the television.  At the specific moment I couldn’t hear a word that was being said by my friend and he was standing six inches from me.

Fast-forwarding to a fight when Miguel Cotto got pummelled by Antonio Margarito.  I remember seeing the state of Miguel’s face and wondered, “how does he look that bad?”  Later, Margarito’s trainer was seen by Shane Mosley’s camp — putting plaster into the gloves of Antonio.  If you guys don’t know the horrific story of Billy Collins, this is exactly what probably took place during the Miguel Cotto fight.  Plaster, after being consumed and inundated with sweat, begins to harden.  Miguel said during the fight, “he got stronger as the rounds went on.”  There’s no real evidence, but we all know the truth.

That was from 2004, to 2008, and then after seeing interviews by boxing greats such as Evander Holyfield, Riddick Bowe, Thomas Hearns….I couldn’t understand a word that was being said from their mouths.  Why? They lost more than 50% of their speaking capabilities because the constant blows to the head.

So after seeing everything take place the way it did over decades of being a boxing fan, I no longer supported the sport.  Human beings literally raging in the stands, shouting, cheering on an assault between two men or two women.

Welcome to the aggressive mask.

Andy Cona, who’s a British cage fighter, said this…

“The first fight I ever had was like a release. Like, “I’m allowed to hit this lad, and it’s making me feel better.” See, I don’t have a family. Me and my brother were put into [foster] homes. He was everything—he was my mom, my dad, my brother, and my sister. He was everyone, and then he killed himself. I’ve never, ever told anyone that. I don’t like to show people weakness. I’m broken inside, I know I am.”

Lewis Howes went on to say, “but still, there’s something scary about taking years of childhood issues and pain and channeling them outward at a total stranger for money and fame. As Andy’s story reveals, for the most part, the pain you inflict on others never reduces the pain you are trying to escape from within yourself.”

If you look at the majority of athletes, especially in America, they’re all inner-city kids.  Mike Tyson had a horrendous childhood and be brought along a lot of those problems outside the ring, becoming a very polarizing character in the 1990’s.

Thai prison systems, which are very controversial, has inmates practice Muay Thai and fight – fighters outside the prison yard.

What is it with aggressiveness and pouring on all your childhood pain, mistakes, and suffering onto another individual rather than honing into 100%?  Sure, no one asked to be molested.  I didn’t deserve to be dropped at a doorstep myself in 1999…however, it happened.  Did I make that my story to why I’m such a “f*** up?” No.

Ray Lewis, who had upbringings beyond comprehension, is the greatest linebacker to ever play the position in the NFL.  Fierce, ferocious, tenacity, inspirational, hungry, and just a demon on the field……he was able to unleash his childhood tribulations into wrestling first (in high school), then onto the football field.  His mother was abused for a long time by her bf….and Ray Lewis asked, “mom, you have two black eyes! Let’s go!”

She said, “no.  He’s our only means of financial stability. We can’t leave.”

Ray Lewis used a deck of cards to relieve himself of so much pain by doing pushups.  1-10; jacks, queens and kings are ten; ace 11; and jokers were I think 11-21.  I’m not sure what the exact number is, but I’m sure he did over 300 pushups.

At 41, he said this in Lewis Howes podcast interview.

“There are certain moments in a child’s life that a father should never miss because when you replace [that influence], most of the time you replace it with things that get you in trouble. I replaced it with dominance over another individual. I had hate for my father, and that hate turned into fuel. I don’t encourage anybody to live the way I lived.” – Ray Lewis

It’s like young men don’t have an outlet to their anxiety, anger or other things.  I saw the students, when I was a student, sit in class and stay quiet while they were getting bullied by other aggressive kids.  Then the shooting massacre in Colorado happened in 1999.  I was listening to Gary Vee yesterday and he was saying that poor parenting results in bullies and children being bullied.  Why do children have this aggressiveness that generates into an Alpha Mask.  Stories of Ariece, P’Allen, and Marcos (childhood classmates) will be in my podcast down below! Time to welcome in this introduction!

Podcast

Books & Podcast Schedule for January 2018

January 1st – Goal-Setting 

Now that I have hired a graphic designer, I now get a second opinion about everything I’m doing an how I can run new traffic through my podcast.  There needs to be an easier way to access certain things in terms of self-confidence, habits, savings, etc.  I feel on my podcast right now is just a stream of information jumping from one side to the other.  However, having Lewis Howes book on weekends gives everyone an idea of when something is debuting.

Schedule

I think having a schedule and having an internal preview is vital.  That’s why I tell the majority of my followers to follow me on Instagram and Twitter because they’ll be able to figure out what books they want to follow.  So, here’s the schedule for January.

Monday – Idle (this day I will add in a “ramble of positivity,” or something outside the book.

Tuesday/Wednesday – Darren Hardy’s Compound Effect: A very actionable book that gives you things to put in place.  The Compound Effect, like the Law of Attraction, is a telling of doing the small things will compound over time.  People cannot gain 30 lbs (15kg) overnight; this happens because of a compounded habit over the course of x amount of months/years. I’ll post the link below with the introduction so you guys can follow suit.

Thursday/Friday – Napoleon Hill’s ‘Law of Success’ is soon to finish.  I have the co-operation lesson and a few more to go before it finished in its entirety.  So this should go on for the next month or so.  If you guys are interested in some of those lessons, check out the link below and start from the introduction.

Saturday/Sunday – Lewis Howes ‘Masks of Masculinity’ is probably some of the most important books for both men and women because a lot of people suffer from societal masks. This book debuts every Saturday and Sunday.

 

The Direction of The Podcast

Now, August-October were the most successful months in my podcast’s history.  However, November and December was an absolute nose-dive.  I’m not exactly sure what’s happening, but I’m looking back at some of the content and maybe it’s not – actionable.  Now Darren Hardy is one of my favorite books because it provides everyone with lots to do.  Those were big listeners.  However, I still believe it’s a small select group of listeners who listen to me from around the globe.  For instance, I would know the iPad and Android listeners because one was a student and the other was a friend.  If I check the sources now, both are gone because I stopped either talking and/or teaching both.  Having a podcast per day can’t be overwhelming, and the more content that I put out there, the better.  I absolutely love doing it, and regardless if anyone is listening to me or not, I will continue doing it at all costs.

More Interviews

The more interviews and exposure, the better.  The collaborations are critical with podcasts.  Gary Vee would say try paying influencers to put your podcast on their Instagram, but I do believe there’s a more organic way of doing it.  I started sending messages on Instagram to some people.  Half responded and were happy about doing it, until they disappeared.  One talked about an outrageous fee of 995$, but not sure if that was for her to be on my show or me to be on her show.  She was extremely charismatic, but there are plenty of other people out there who would do it for free.  Again, it’s just a podcast.

Facebook Advertising

I’ve hit rock bottom and hit a lot of empty holes with advertising on Facebook.  I would get maybe a click or two, but that’s in.  No comments or anything….so I’m still trying to figure out the Facebook area.

Podcast

Sexual Mask: Part IV – What Can You Do Now?

Lewis Howes talked in his book about being raped when he was 5 years old.  There was another instance when he was on the football team where at 3:30 in the morning, he woke up to find his pants half-way down and a girl trying to have sex with him.

Through the eyes of most men reading this – you might thing or might have thought that’s a dream come true.  See, every woman is warned about these near-rape experienced, and men completely shrug off the fact that it can happen to them.

There was one morning during the 2006 Worldcup when I was walking to my friend Kristine’s house.  A man pulled up beside me, said hello and told me to “hop in.”  I thought it was Mr. Nadelson by quick glance, and I even said his name out loud.  However, when I got in the car, I knew it wasn’t him.  He started asking me if he could see my feet and asked me if I wanted to make a little money.  I told him to pull-over and I got out the car quickly, not telling anyone about the experience for about three years.  Now the world knows.

Another instance was on a sunny afternoon.  I was much smarter at this point versus being an 18-years-old, naive youngster.  It had to be between 2009-2011; sometime before I went to Australia on a working holiday visa.  Keep in ming that I live in a predominantly African American neighborhood, people.  A car pulled up beside me – a nice one – and a man asked me where “Big 5” was.  It was odd because I’m asking myself, “no offence, but what’s an Anglo male doing in a neighborhood like this asking about a store that’s more than 10-20 miles away?”  He was rubbing his shades, had a belly, and looked very odd.  He then asked if I needed a ride home, and of course, my home being just on the other side of the wall, I smiled and declined.  Did I report him? No…I should have, because I’m a little bit ashamed to have let a pedaphile getaway like that.

Situations like these, man or woman, need to be talked about.  Only a handful of people in my life know about these two situations, and now I’m able to tell everyone because it could help someone in a country that doesn’t have a system in terms of sex offenders like the United States.

Most men, too, are scared of telling these stories because they fear of having something derogatory said about them.

What Can You Do Right Now?

“Sex is the perfect way to avoid emotions. It feels close and intimate, but sex allows a man struggling behind his Sexual Mask to compartmentalize those emotions and focus only on the physical aspects of sex. The problem with a singular focus on the physical part of sex is that it will never be enough.”

Excerpt From: Lewis Howes. “The Mask of Masculinity.” iBooks.

Absolutely right.  If you have sex, especially within the first week, there’s nothing else to look forward to.  Have you men, who are reading this, ever felt this before? Like before you have sex, there should be a build-up.  The sexual desire and the increased arousal is what it’s all about.  “The process.”  If you do it the first couple of nights, there’s nothing else to look forward to, right?

A man trapped behind this mask is always on the verge for looking for the newest conquest.  The next girl in line.  I see tons of men suffering from this in Thailand.  There’s one teacher I used to work for who was heading home to his girlfriend one day, came across me, and started showing me photos of women who he’s been sleeping with.  It’s terrifying.

What’s Available?

Inner peace
Worthiness
Fulfilling intimate relationships
Feeling grounded
True partnership”

Figure out what you are avoiding. Is it responsibility? Self-worth? Intimacy, connection, pain, joy, or satisfaction? Are you dealing with a huge void or an overabundance of something you don’t know how to handle? Make a list of those things you might be avoiding, and then create an action plan and the next steps you are committed to creating, and by when.

For example: I’ve been avoiding having a conversation with my girlfriend, and I’m going to call her tomorrow . . . whatever it is, write it down.
And really be honest with yourself about whether retreating behind this Sexual Mask has improved your life.

The key to figuring all this out is learning how to be alone. How to love yourself. You need to be in a relationship with yourself first. When you’re looking for love and validation from the outside, you inevitably lose yourself and the ability to cultivate self-love because nothing inside you seems as valuable as what you get from someone else. You’ll never get enough from the outside to fill the void created on the inside, and so you must learn how to be happy by, and with, yourself.” – Lewis Howes

Podcast

https://www.spreaker.com/user/thearseniobuckshow/sexual-mask-part-iv-what-can-you-do-now

Lewis Howes: Sexual Mask – Part III

In recent months I came across a person named “Zern.”  Zern caught me off completely with her amount of spoken English fluency.  The first time we met was a spaghetti dinner at my condominium and it was a remarkable time.  A terrible movie, but a good time.  To be honest, I thought that would be the last time I saw her because I “know how it goes” with women here.  Not only was I wrong, she drove more than 40km to come see me in the evening to talk things over.  It was very bumps at the beginning, but I was like that child.  That child in school who constantly thought about someone he liked.  I felt young again.  That inner child came out of me – but somewhere along the line the complaints came.  Not just any complain, but a herd of them.  The last message I received from her was, “yeah, I think you’re too independent.”  She went off into the Khao San road (notorious nightlife area in Bangkok) that evening and it was the last message I ever got from her.

Did I want to settle down? Was I too independent? Who wants to settle? I mean after about four weeks, I was already a bit…”bored.” Am I the most handsome man in the world through the eyes of Thai standards? HELL NO! I’m just a “black-African Nigerian scammer through mosts eyes” (LOL), but I’m also the guy who can probably swipe right on tinder 100 times in Thailand and get 3 matches (and America).  However, if I swipe 100 times in Indonesia, Kazakhstan and a few other countries, I get 7 out of 10 matches.

Why am I even on Tinder? Where am I even going with this? Well, I’m a living proof, I believe, that you don’t have to follow your libido.  I use these social media apps to actually meet some likeminded people – often rare.  However, I know teachers who are on 5-10 websites searching for new “meat” as they say.

Lewis Howes mentioned in his book that once he started getting more “notoriety,” women started paying more attention.  I honestly love living in my shoes everyday.  It doesn’t matter about the followers, podcast listeners, soon-to-be-book, tedx….I believe that I will walk through the airport and still have people walk right past me – exactly how I like it.

“The bird wasn’t exhausted because it never stopped flying from nest to nest; it was exhausted because it spent all its energy staying aloft while it debated which direction to fly. Was this really what freedom is supposed to feel like?”

Excerpt From: Lewis Howes. “The Mask of Masculinity.” iBooks.

“I cheated on Ingrid, who’s my wife now, and I felt horrible. I thought I was a good guy. I really loved her, I wanted to be with her, and I cheated on her, and I just couldn’t understand why would I do that to someone? Why would I hurt somebody like that who loves me? Why would I break her heart? Why would I ruin my future? And why would I act outside my ethics system and outside my morals and just for sex that wasn’t even that good anyway?” – Neil Strauss

BOOM.  I bet men all over the world are asking themselves this….”why?”  I mean, I absolutely love being single, and not because I have the freedom, but because I can come home and have 4 hours of power: podcasts, writing blogs, writing my book, instant messaging people on instagram, etc,.

Lots of men also love being single just to wave a piece of meat in any direction they will.  Fair enough.  But why commit the mistake while in a relationship?

“If you watch porn these days, it is disproportionately aggressive. It’s all about dominating women, so much of it is about humiliation. It’s not just the amount of sex. Guys feel more like a man if they’re dominating and aggressive in bed. Instead of the definition of a man being about making her feel good in bed, it’s all about showing physical dominance over her. Because that is so pervasive in porn, I think men have a warped sense of reality when it comes to masculinity in the bedroom. I dread to think about kids who are like 9 or 10 who have never kissed a girl and that is their first data point with sex, that that’s what it looks like. It’s creating some messed-up men.” – Matthew Hussey

I think this should be ringing a bell for a lot of men out there.  No nationalities needed, but I’ve seen a fair share of people from one particular country on videos I shouldn’t have been watching in the past where they’re just unbelievably aggressive.  YIKES!

“And it isn’t just fiction either. We perpetuate these stereotypes and myths in real life. Men who find and hook up with women are players, studs, ballers. Meanwhile, what’s our take on a guy who is committed? He’s tied down. He’s settled. He’s off the market. He goes out with his buddies only when his wife gives him permission. He has a “dad bod.” His sex life is a wasteland. And don’t get me started with how unfair the labels and double standards are with women. What we celebrate in single guys, we call being a slut in a woman. When a guy marries a rich woman, it doesn’t mean anything; but if a woman does it, she risks being called a gold digger. A woman who is clear about what she wants and expects in a relationship is a nag or a bitch.” – Lewis Howes

But it’s all nonsense, huh?

Podcast

 

The Sexual Mask: Part II

Chris Lee, a brilliant transformational coach, said this in Lewis Howes podcast: “Every boy in America learns by the time they’re in junior high school to associate masculinity with issues of sexual conquest. What’s it mean to be a man? It means you can bring some young girl alongside of yourself and then use her. Use her to either gratify some kind of physical need, or use her to validate some kind of masculine insecurity. That certainly does not make you a man—it makes you a user of other human beings.”

I won’t point at any cultures and not make this religious, but there are certain religions that women are treated as just objects.  They can’t do half the things men can do.  Boys rights, at the ages of 13-15, are much higher than those of women.  That’s the terrifying aspect of I guess “sexism,” but at the same time, Chris Lee is basically saying that when it comes to adolescence, everything begins to change.

I even recall this kid named Jonathan talking about the female reproductive organ in a song he was rapping — in the sixth grade! He was talking about how much he loved it.  He was 12! I didn’t even know what it was, to be honest!

Lewis Howes, hilariously, talked about in his book that he had an uncontrollable erection.  My sweet craving days have been with me for a long time, but like sweets, Lewis Howes had erections.  He would have to walk around the school with his shirt untucked because he was afraid of people seeing it.  I thought it was hilarious, but at the same time, we’ve all been through that stage.  Were there times in high school that I had a staring problem — followed by an arousal problem? Of course!

However, I didn’t have a father figure in my life after 1999.  In the dawn of the millennium, I remember seeing my brother watch a movie that had a sex scene in it.  Because I was so naive, I asked myself “what is he doing to her?”  LOL!

I remember seeing magazines scattered in the park, opening them, and seeing the female reproductive organ before saying to myself, “that’s interesting!” Another “LOL!”

The first time I ever made out was sophomore year of high school.  I had no idea what was happening, but it went on for a long time.  That escalated over a month and it came to me and the same girl being in the middle of the school, at night, and her saying, “LET ME SEE IT!”  I was embarrassed.  NO WAY!

My mom, like most mothers, never sat me down and said, “ok, Arsenio.  This is this…if you do this without this, you’re in trouble.” Hahaha. It just never happened.

This is the same story that revolves around Neil Strauss.

“So what happens is you go through puberty at age 13, and then for the next 8 years in my case, there’s this thing that can make you a man, but you don’t own it or possess it. Someone else either has to give it to you or share it with you, and the longer you don’t get it, the less of a man you feel like. I remember my friend, who was like my only friend in school, we called ourselves the “v-club” because we were both virgins. The whole experience created this incredible gulf between me and women, and me and manhood, and it built up this huge desire.”

Excerpt From: Lewis Howes. “The Mask of Masculinity.” iBooks.

Psychologist from two prominent universities in America published an article 10 years ago….

“In the article, the authors recognized that college-age men, especially in fraternities, who failed to meet the stereotypical definitions of masculinity (men kind of like Neil) were more likely to turn to more negative forms of male socialization in order to play catch-up in the male world. That meant binge drinking, fighting, and casual sex with lots of partners.
The problem with this—besides the obvious risk of disease or enraged exes—is if you don’t get past this phase, you end up just feeling empty. Or worse, you get stuck in the cycle.”

Fraternities, with all respect, are the worst.  Sorry.  I’ve seen it first hand (not being in one, but being at parties where they hosted), and it’s all about who can have sex.  I mean let’s even look at it from a clubbing aspect.  Why do women and men go to the club? Honestly, I really want you to think about it.  To drink copious amounts of alcohol while enduring in blaring music? Come on.

I had one friend say a while back, “I go there to dance with my friends.”  Ummm….you would go to a club late at night to dance with friends instead of sleeping?

Possible — if insanity is involved.

Every woman Neil saw he fantasized of jumping in bed with them; if it was in an airplane, or even at the park.  It controlled him so much that he had to check-in to  a rehab center for sexual habits.  The sexual mask had completely taken over his life.

“What I thought was freedom really wasn’t freedom. The freedom was in the commitments. But if you think about it, “Okay I’m gonna be single or unattached, or I’m just gonna be able to do whatever I want,” it’s like a bird that’s not able to land; it gets exhausting. And going through the processes, by which I was actually able to kind of get rid of my baggage and be intimate in a relationship and not feel trapped, just opened up everything.”

Podcast

 

 

Lewis Howes: Material Mask: Part IV – What Can You Do Now?

When Lewis Howes sat down with Tony Robbins on a few instance, I still remember the story Tony told.  I know this story from the back of my mind, and shockingly enough, Sir John Templeton (who I gave a bad rap on his Tedx for because his on-stage presence and attire – lol!) told him about the essence of giving.

What’s that story?

“I said, ‘Hi,’ I think he said his name was Ronny, and I said, ‘Ronny, you’re a class act. I saw you open the door for your lady, I saw you hold out the chair for your lady.’ He goes, ‘She’s my mom.’ I said, ‘That’s even more classy.’”

Tony commended him for taking his mom out to lunch. The kid looked at him with a serious face the way young kids do who haven’t learned how to joke around yet, and he said, “I’m not really taking her to lunch. I’m just 11 and I don’t have a job.”
Without even thinking about it, Tony gave the kid all the money in his pocket—basically all he had left in the world—so he could take his mother out to lunch. Then he walked out of the restaurant and went on with his life.

Think about that: Tony had no money, no way to pay his rent, and he was going to have to consider going hungry for his next several meals. Yet he was euphoric. He told me he basically flew home, he felt so proud of himself.

The next day, he checked his mail and found a letter from a guy he’d been hounding about a business transaction for months, who hadn’t returned his calls. In the letter was a check for $1,000 plus interest, and an apology.

Tony began to cry. How could something like that happen? Were the two events related? He told me he decided that they were:

I don’t know if it’s true, but I decided that day that this happened because I did the right thing. Because I didn’t have a plan, it wasn’t a strategy, I always felt this little soul beside me, I knew what was right, and I did it. I didn’t do it because I thought I could or I couldn’t, I didn’t even think about it, and that’s the day I became a wealthy man, because I still didn’t have any money, but scarcity left my body. I’ve had plenty of ups and downs since that time, but I never went back to that fearful mindset of, “Oh my God, how’s it going to happen?” – Tony Robbins

Excerpt From: Lewis Howes. “The Mask of Masculinity.” iBooks.

Lewis Howes went on to say that what Tony was describing at that present time was the Material Mask being ripped off.  It was no longer about him, his indecision, scarcity and being broke on so many levels because of wanting the luxury of things.

When Lewis Howes did the interview in Tony’s private jet, Tony didn’t talk so much about the figures, but more about what his accomplishments and especially feeding people all over the planet.  There was a time that a neighbor gave his family a full thanksgiving dinner – which was too much to bear for his father, whom later walked out on Tony and his mother.  Can you imagine that? Since then, Tony went on a venture to feed as many people around the planet as he can.

Do you hear about those humanitarian rewards with Tai?

What Can You Do Right Now?

“What we need to realize is that we are valuable, regardless of what we have. We need to recognize that, while living behind the Material Mask, there will never be such a thing as “enough” when it comes to a sufficient sense of self-worth as a man.” – Lewis Howes

Here is what you can do to practice gratitude on a daily basis. I do many of these myself, and you can start them right now:

1.When you wake up, take out your journal and write down three things for which you’re grateful.

2.Before you go to sleep, ask the last person you talk to three things they are most grateful for from the day, and in reply tell them what you are grateful for from the day too.

3.My voicemail message asks people to share what they are most grateful for when they leave a message. Feel free to copy the idea.

4.Start meetings with your team or business partners with a moment that allows everyone to share what they are grateful for.

5.Acknowledge people daily with a few words that express what you’re grateful for about them.”

Excerpt From: Lewis Howes. “The Mask of Masculinity.” iBooks.

Podcast

https://www.spreaker.com/user/thearseniobuckshow/lewis-howes-material-mask-part-iv-what-c