Restoring Relationship Trust

Another area that creates huge trust issues in personal relationships is money. As many marriage counselors affirm, money problems are a key cause of divorce. While many such problems are caused by lack of character (selfish or impulsive spending, attempts to control or restrict a partner’s access to shared resources, or efforts to hide spending from a partner), many are also caused by lack of competence (lack of education or experience in money management). In addition, two people coming into a relationship are often scripted in different ways by family experience — for example, one may come from a background of spenders, while the other comes from a background of thrift.

Here’s a story from Stephen Covey’s book

“For years, my husband and I had problems managing our money. We would agree to spend our money in a certain way, then he would come home with some new thing we hadn’t agreed on. It was very frustrating, and I eventually withdrew emotionally as a financial partner.

Over time, however, we both came to realize that this situation was negatively affecting the trust in our relationship, and we decided to change. He worked on being more responsible to act based on our agreements; I worked on expressing my opinions better and participating more fully in financial decisions. And together, we became involved in learning more about good financial habits, including budgeting and investing.

It’s taken quite a while to shift old habits, but through it all, we’ve become amazingly close and more unified in our financial values, goals, and habits. In fact, I’d say that now financial units is one of our strengths. Doing something together that was this challenging has created even strong bonds of trust in our entire relationship.

Darren Hardy: Daily Rhythms & Registering Them + Relationships

Preston Smiles fits “fun-time” into his clients’ schedules.

What’s fun-time?

It’s simply when an alarm goes off, that particular individual drops everything he or she is doing and they dance their tail off.  I know, odd as hell, but the incorporation of that, or any other behavior, forms a discipline.

Remember I talked to you about Romanic Relationships and how spontaneity would go a long way in any relationship? Look at it this way…

Darren Hardy, at 6pm, has something called “date night” with his wife.  So when the time arrives, the alarms go off on his spouse and his phone, they drop everything, and they commit to being with each other from sundown — all the way to sunup.  This is from Friday night to Sunday morning, too.  Not just one day.

He also used an idea from Jack Canfield’s ‘Success Principles’ book, which he asks his wife, “how would you rate the relationship for this past week?” Of course the wife would give him a number, and he would then ask, “how can I get better?”  The wife will then come up with a list of things that will help him become better.

No one is perfect.  Just remember that.  It would be so overwhelming hearing nagging (which it shouldn’t be – but totally can be) all the time.  For example, when I was recently dating a girl, she wouldn’t ask me something like this; nor would I ask her the question.  Instead, on a two-hour trip back from Kanchanaburi to Bangkok, she was complaining her head off because I didn’t ask her if she wanted anything from 7-11, and because I didn’t carry all four pieces of luggage.

This should be a feeling of validation for both parties.

“Every month, Georgia and I also schedule something unique and memorable. Jim Rohn taught me that life is simply a collection of experiences; our goal should be to increase the frequency and the intensity of the good experiences. Once a month we try to do something that creates an experience that has some memorable intensity. It could be driving up to the mountains, going on an adventurous hike, driving up to Los Angeles to try a new fancy restaurant, going sailing in the bay—whatever. Something out of the ordinary that has a heightened experience and creates an indelible memory.”

“Once a quarter we plan a two- to three-day getaway. I like to do a quarterly review of all my goals and life patterns, and this is a great time to do a deeper check-in on how things are going in our relationship. Then we have our special travel vacation, plus our holiday traditions and our New Year’s hike and goal-setting ritual. You can see that once all this is scheduled, you no longer have to think about what you need to be doing. Everything happens naturally. We’ve created a rhythm that gives us momentum.” – Darren Hardy

Weekly Rhythm Registration In Podcast + PDF

Registering Rhythms Example

Face What Isn’t Working

There was a time last year where I had a wonderful friend who lied to me about her being from Thailand (she was in fact from Myanmar), and in that lie were promises of starting a wonderful, healthy-food catering business that would deliver clean food all around Bangkok.

In this plan, I wrote so many action steps down on a monster poster board and then I suddenly started seeing her slipping.  She was hiding something and I didn’t know what it was because she did a great job covering it up.  I started seeing signs from even Thai people who would speak English to her instead of Thai BECAUSE they thought she wasn’t Thai.  None of these things started clicking until one morning I received a phone call from her asking me for $6 dollars because she didn’t have money.

If you don’t have $6 dollars to your name, there’s a much bigger problem then not actually having $6 dollars.  By that time I scrapped the plane and in the ensuing weeks the big question came, “can I borrow a large sum of money to pay off old debt.”

BLOCKED.

I knew that there was too much problem and not enough action…but I didn’t face what wasn’t working in the beginning until I let it fester to the big question.

If you are going to become more successful, you have to get out of the denial like I was in, and I’m sure you’ve been in throughout your life in certain situations.

Do you defend or ignore how toxic your work environment is?  After reading this particular principle, I made a podcast (which I will still post down below for anyone who’s interested in listening) which a blackmailer went sniffing through some of my dirty laundry, found it, and began implicating and inferring that I was talking about specific individuals in my work place, although I was just stating facts about different age groups I’ve came across here in Thailand.

How about marriage? Do you make excuses for how bad it is?

Are you in denial about your lack of energy, your excess weight, your ill-health, or your level of physical fitness?  Are you failing to acknowledge how bad sales are at work? How bad one coworker is with finishing tasks on time?  The loud music that’s being played late at night that keeps you up 50% of your sleep time?

You have to begin facing these circumstances squarely, heed the warning signs, and take action, no matter how uncomfortable or challenging it might be.

Don’t Ignore The Yellow Signs

Your child comes home late from school again.  Strange notices start showing up in your mailbox.  You hear noises coming from across the hall and no one is there (ok, that might be a bit over the top, but it happens).  A friend, neighbor, classmate or anyone makes a very odd comment.  We just simply ignore them.

Why? Because to face what’s not working in your life usually means you’re going to have to do something uncomfortable.

Podcast: https://www.spreaker.com/episode/11785866