Lewis Howes’ Masks of Masculinity Book Review: Stoic & Athlete Mask – Episode 3

I decided to break these down in increments of two (1/4) because I feel it would me too much material to handle in one go.  So, here’s a breakdown of the STOIC and Athlete masks.

The STOIC mask somewhat relates to the Alpha Mask in a way that men AREN’T SUPPOSED to show their emotions.  Every man dreams of being the hero, but the amount of pain that lies within him, is killing him — literally.

There was a substitute teacher I had back in the 6th grade that told us a story about her brother.  With every hardship, he stayed quiet.  He didn’t want to express his feelings, because apparently that would make him less of a man.  One day he had a heart attack, dying right before his family.  She went on the ask us, “why do you think he died?”  We, of course at a very young age, were scratching our heads.  The reason for the heart attack was because he held all those feelings of greed, grief, hate, and all other negative feelings with him; rather than having someone on the receiving end, listen.

What Can You Do?

A weight off your shoulders
Deeper relationships with men and women
Healing
A healthy heart
Vulnerability
The permission to feel
Acceptance and belonging

Step 1: Make a list of the five most painful moments of your life. Note what happened, and how you felt in each moment. Journal about it and go into detail. (An example could be: My dad was my best friend growing up, but he abandoned me when I was 6, and it left me devastated.)
Step 2: Once you’ve journaled about these painful moments, read them out loud to yourself. Give yourself permission to feel or to cry about them when you hear your own words. Play soft instrumental music during this process to facilitate your ability to reach your emotions as you allow your feelings to awaken.

Step 3: Share them. When you have accepted the truth of this pain and all these emotions, tell a friend, partner, or family member whom you trust. Part of removing the Stoic Mask is allowing other people to support you. The only way they can do that is if they know what’s going on. I’m a big believer that anyone who has experienced trauma in their past (and hasn’t ever discussed it with someone) will allow the trauma to grow in negative ways. You won’t be able to heal until you begin to share your story.
Step 4: Look into hiring a coach, therapist, or someone who is a specialist. Once you’ve shared your pain, you need to find someone who has experience with helping people understand their emotions and get comfortable with them. For those who really struggle behind the Stoic Mask, this is serious work and it requires a serious approach. But it is work that can start today, right now, with a piece of paper and a pencil.”

Excerpt From: Lewis Howes. “The Mask of Masculinity.” iBooks.

Athlete Masks

From the Tommy Hearns and Marvin Hagler, to the battles of NFL players trying to prove rights over others by delivering the most vicious, bone-crushing hits.

“Gilbert Arenas, the ultra-talented point guard for the Golden State Warriors and Washington Wizards? Not only was he a prolific scorer and a back-to-back-to-back NBA All-Star who led the entire league in minutes played during the 2005–06 season, but he and his Wizards teammate Javaris Crittenton threatened each other with handguns in the team locker room. Is that what men do? Threaten each other with dangerous weapons over a $1,100 gambling debt? This move cost Arenas $7.5 million in salary. Crittenton is currently serving a 23-year prison sentence on an unrelated 2015 manslaughter charge.”

Excerpt From: Lewis Howes. “The Mask of Masculinity.” iBooks.

“Think about all the incredible athletes out there whose prowess on the field doesn’t line up with the way they conduct their personal lives. Take Antonio Cromartie, a four-time Pro Bowler who led the entire NFL in interceptions in 2007 and holds the record for the longest play in NFL history. He is mind-bogglingly talented. But you forget all of that when you watch him in a 2010 episode of HBO’s Hard Knocks, a sports documentary series, where he struggles to remember and recite the names of his eight children (from seven mothers), three of whom are the same age. Cromartie now has 10 children with twins on the way, and reportedly pays close to $340,000 a year in child support.” – Lewis Howes

So, you can see these two masks are what 95% of men in the world suffer from.  Let’s take them off once and for all!

What can you do now?

Five core areas…

1.Health: mental, physical, emotional
2.Relationships: intimate, family, friends
3.Wealth: finances, career, education, business
4.Contribution: making an impact in the world and other people’s lives, being of service
5.Spiritual: connecting to a higher power or your spiritual beliefs”

Podcast

Masks of Masculinity: Season 1: Episode 2 – What Can You Do Right Now To Remove The Alpha Mask

“The first step to shedding this mask is, in a way, just embracing that fact. Just give yourself enough gut-check moments about the kind of behavior you see around you. It isn’t enough to see it; you’ve got to see it and then have a reaction that’s more critical than complimentary.” – Lewis Howes

Honestly, your true friends don’t give a damn about how “alpha” you are.  All it takes is for a male to say that “one time” and I’ll switch him off and can him in no-time.  Alpha Males honestly pile a lot of pure pressure on their peers.  I saw my brother succumb to pure pressure back in 2000 when his friend, Brandon, told him to spoke a cigarette.  When I saw him smoking a cigarette, I was amazed.  What is this 14-year-old kid doing smoking a cigarette; let alone he’s my brother.

Now that I think of it, all of these alpha males my brother is or was friends with ultimately took him down a path he never wanted to go down.  There was a Puerto Rican, ego-maniacal friend my brother had by the name of Raf who would constantly demean me because I was the “younger” one.  The other friends my brother had at the beginning of his young adulthood had already committed crimes, or they were into drugs, smoking weed and playing videos games all day.  What my brother thought was “cool” was a disease he was slowly drowning himself in.

Now that you know the situations, now it’s time to breakdown what you can actually be free of if you remove this mask.

Win-win scenarios
Being the hero who lifts others up
The joy of being in service
Empowering others around you
Letting go of being in control
Freedom
Deeper sense of love

“Work for win-win scenarios in every possible circumstance. Use your energy to win and empower others to win. Instead of looking for things that separate us, look for things that unite us. Instead of looking for evidence that your way is the only way, try other people’s ways. Listen, connect, and hear other people’s ideas. A true leader doesn’t need to be right in order to feel worthy; he is able to see the best idea from anyone and bring it to light.”

Excerpt From: Lewis Howes. “The Mask of Masculinity.” iBooks.

What does winning mean to you? What does losing mean to you? If you look at all the NFL players, they’re obsessed with winning and hate losing.  Losing is the greatest part of life…and this is how a lot of them are sucked into wearing the Alpha Mask.

I lose everyday in Thailand.  I lose at getting the typical passerby’s respect.  That’s my loss, and I love it.  I’m a man who’s not afraid of showing his emotion.  When I cross the line at the Spartan Beast later on this year, I will cry.  I’ll go on Instagram stories and show my emotions to the world, too.  That doesn’t make me any less of a man than Ray Lewis. Your self-worth shouldn’t be wrapped up in winning.

 

 

Season 1: Lewis Howes’ Masks of Masculinity: Alpha Mask – Continued

This is the beginning of the season (but soon to be the end of this book).  Season 1 will be a quickie, since I’ve already finished 95% of this book.  However, expect this to happen from here on out.  Each season will be a new book and I will mark the episodes, too!

“I was nearly 30 years old when the fight happened, and I remember running back to my place after pummeling this guy’s face bloody, flopping onto my bed, and nearly hyperventilating as memories of an equally bloody fight from my childhood flooded my memory banks. At the time, the two fights felt related. It was as if they tapped into a deep pain and anger that I’d never processed. You could say I’d stuffed these unprocessed emotions down and hidden them behind my Stoic Mask and my Athlete Mask. Upon reflection, I think all of that is still true.”

Excerpt From: Lewis Howes. “The Mask of Masculinity.” iBooks.

When I heard about this from Lewis Howes, it reminded what I had done to my sister (in a much less violent way).

My younger sister, Rolonda, was the victim of bullying — by me.  I constantly bullied her since I was young because I was bullied by my older brother.  After doing something I knew was completely wrong, I remember walking into my room, falling on my knees, and covering my face with my hands.  At the time, I had the Alpha Mask on.  No way would I go down stairs to apologize to her, but I should have.  After I returned from Australia, I remember I was an entire different person and we had our first legitimate conversation EVER.  However, I returned back to my bullying because of course, my brother was the one with the power under my mom’s roof (yes, even more than my mother herself).

When you identify these things, you can always connect the dots and see where it all went wrong.

“Here’s the truth: We misunderstand the whole alpha/beta definition. We tend to think of it as strong versus weak, active versus passive, hard versus soft, effective versus ineffective. All of that is nonsense. In most situations, we confuse strength with brutishness. We confuse being active with being directionless. And we confuse being hard with being insecure.”

Excerpt From: Lewis Howes. “The Mask of Masculinity.” iBooks.

The last two sentences really stuck with me.  Directionless and insecure…it’s what I see everyday in society, and especially on videos in YouTube (which I try to stay away from).

Most alpha males, in general, are big football/rugby players.  If you look at every American sports player, they all have big houses and big cars — this is a sign of the material mask because their financial blue print stemmed around “not having enough,” so they want to have the feeling of “having enough” to prove other people wrong, moreover, themselves.

With the Alpha Mask, most men want to show not only physical dominance, but emotional dominance over another.  This is why I mention my brother a lot because he’s the one you could never calm down once he reached a certain threshold of anger.

“So in a locker room for a guy to step out and say, “Hey, listen, that’s not right,” or “Hey, I love you, man,” or whatever it is that steps away from the masculine ideal, he’s going against that strong negativity bias which just says, “I’m in danger if I step out of that norm.” And that’s a really powerful thing. And it takes an environment that’s really supportive to that person to be able to do that.
Any guy reading this book has felt that pressure. Someone makes an off-color joke, and you stay quiet. You see someone getting picked on, and you look the other way. Someone is going through a tough time, and rather than offering him words of comfort, you change the subject or tell him to “be a man.” There is that toxic phrase again. In other words, you act like an alpha because, well, that’s what you’re “supposed” to do with guys, right?”

Excerpt From: Lewis Howes. “The Mask of Masculinity.” iBooks.

Lewis Howes: The Know-It-All Mask – Introduction

“Have you ever noticed how people tend to fill the dead time in a conversation or a meeting by rambling on about some random topic? Have you ever watched someone you work with try to impress the people around them by going on a long rant about something you can’t even pronounce? Have you ever seen someone in an important setting suck the air out of the room by making it all about them? They always have a response, they can’t let anything go, and they have to show you how smart they are.”

Excerpt From: Lewis Howes. “The Mask of Masculinity.” iBooks.

Welcome to the Know-It-All Mask!

Not off the top of my head, but I’ve worked with quiet a few people in the past and present who can just ra-ra-ra the world with their impeccability of BS – LOL. It took me a while to think about it, but there were times I would be around individuals and they can talk about just a bunch of bs that would go on and on when I was in the midst of doing something.  Luckily towards the end of my tenures, I stopped talking to these particular beings, resulting in a lot of free-time.

One of my students, who was a brilliant speaker, said to me, “ummm teacher _________ knows a lot.  He knows everything.” Yeah, he knows everything so much that he doesn’t allow you to speak, huh?

Sometimes you do have to just take the seat in the back, as a teacher, and shut the heck up.

Now, I won’t put his name out there, but obviously there are a lot of entrepreneurs who just don’t shut up and listen, even when interviewing men who have amassed over 50 billion USD over their lifetime.  From philanthropists — to Hedgefund leaders — it just always seems that they need to be the center of attention.  We love talking, especially people who know a lot about everything, but there comes a time when you just have to be a listener.

I’ve done 8 podcast interviews, starting from last year, and I really just allow my guests to speak.  That’s the sole purpose of doing the interview…..you asking the questions and getting the best out of them, such as what Larry King does.  Larry King is a superb interviewer because all of his questions are so centered/focused on the person sitting across from him.

One of the funniest instances I had was four years ago.  I had to go to a meeting at a language center where the staff looked at me in more bad ways than one, and the owner of the language center looked down upon me for even more obvious reasons.  Anywho, I sat in a room with three teachers throwing ideas out there for an English camp, and when I came around to give my two cents (after asking to do so), a teacher by the name of Nicole ran all over me and shot me down.  She wanted to do ALL THE TALKING and then later told me that I tried talking too much during the meeting, although I counted 1-2 sentences in the 30-minute session.  She was absolutely one of those people who would run over me from left to right.  From the first day I met her at one of the worst English camps, to this particular one where the commute was much longer.

She was right about one thing.  I wasn’t changing my mindset about Thai women — and was losing fast.  That’s about it.  Having a strong personality like that around is unbelievably draining.

I need to get much better at listening, too.  I get easily distracted, but now I go back to the previous conversation and ask deeper questions.

“It’s like the line in Eleven Minutes by Paulo Coelho: “That’s what the world is like: People talk as if they know everything, but if you dare to ask a question, they don’t know anything.”
Here’s the thing: If we’re being honest with ourselves, then we’d admit that none of us know anything. I think Coelho would even agree that nobody really knows what the hell they are doing. We’re all just making it up as we go along. ”

Excerpt From: Lewis Howes. “The Mask of Masculinity.” iBooks.

Podcast

Lewis Howes: Invincible Mask – What Can You Do Right Now?

A lot of people do big things or risky things to get the attention of others.  Remember at the beginning I talked about one of my students’ brother who slammed into a pillar at high speeds, intoxicated and ultimately killing himself.  He was unrecognizable after it happened.  Before he got on his bike, he told everyone that he was safe to drive, although he was completely inebriated.  He was going welllll over the speed limit and resulted in him no longer being able to live.

A many of these “van” boys drive at top speeds with spoilers off, trying to get the attention of women on the streets.  This gives them that since of invincibility and that’s why Thailand, by percentage, has the highest traffic fatality in the WORLD.  These adrenaline junkies are always looking for the next thrill.

So what can you do? What if you stole, or do things that could question the law just to get the attention of women? More importantly, what’s available if you take off the mask?

A fulfilled and healthy life span
Deeper relationships
Self-esteem
True courage
The permission to just be and not constantly do
A sense of belonging

Ask yourself these questions

What is valuable to me?

Friendships.  That invincible mask that Billy had on — I had on, too.  I would treat my best friend Andre like crap over the years, and after my run yesterday, he spilled the beans on how I treated them from a “funny” aspect.  However, I didn’t look at it as funny.  I was embodying anger from when Billy use to treat me like crap, so I wanted to dish out those feelings, too.

Andre is everything to me.  The most valuable friendship I have today.  When he speaks, I absolutely listen and take thought to it.

What do I value about my life?

I honestly need to stop playing the “black” card, as the Irish teacher told me.  I love that he’s in my face about it, because he shows me how much of a magnificent being I can truly become.  This is why I love the fact that I am “different.”  Just last night I was thinking to myself, “oh man! Look at all of these anglo men in the picture of this company that sent me those jobs three days ago.  No wonder I can’t get the job!”  Self-doubt.  I still have that lingering deep within my bloodlines, and it’s something I need to address immediately.

What am I looking for in these activities?

Can I see the true value in friendships and myself?

Can I get those things elsewhere in my life?

Absolutely NOT.  Once I’m gone, I’m gone forever.

Additional Questions In The Podcast

 

Lewis Howes: Invincible Mask – Part IV

I have a very interesting story to speak about in regards  to my childhood best friend Billy.  Despite Billy calling me poor for a year or two, I was still his friend.

Billy lived in the “corner house” of my block.  Red hair, freckles, beautiful sister, young brother who would scream, fantastic mother and a questionable father.  Yes, questionable.  I won’t say it like that, but as a child I noticed things.  I noticed anger inside of him.  He didn’t speak much to the family.  His mother would always say, “your father is coming home so I need to cook and we need to have this house in perfect shape.”

I still remember the night between 1999-2000 when I heard a slam in their kitchen.  Bill had slammed the oven door and started to scream at Jo in regards to the food and she instantly started crying.  I ran home as quick as I can because….well my mother was already getting in full-fledge knife wars with my father.  I didn’t want to see that there and go home and see the same thing.

Later Bill apologized.  Nonetheless, this man was stacked with money.  Not sure what his job was, but Billy would have presents on top of presents on top of presents during the holidays, reducing me to tears of jealousy in the process.

Billy went on a hiatus in 2004 before showing up against in 2010.  His sister had become just a gorgeous 18-19-year-old, Billy was massive and his mother was still the most loving woman she’s always been.

Billy and I talked about those years in the backyard of his house for hours and he broke words about his fathers true intentions.  Although I won’t reveal what they were, let’s just say it was a humanity – type of company he was peddling in the foothills of Pahrump – the place he would go 95% of the month.  Now I understand where the money had come from.

I don’t know exactly what that mask was, but Billy wore it.  Billy war the “I have more money than you mask” in the year 2000.  He would call me poor constantly because his mother donated some 2nd-hand furniture to my mother so we can have a furnished downstairs.  I know, “that’s totally not a friend.”  He was maybe 9-years-old, so I won’t put it up against him completely.  However, after his father lost everything (blessing in disguise), Billy ended up being on my level.  He didn’t have food in the house.  He didn’t have those great holidays.  He didn’t have ANYTHING.  I never went back to rub it in his face, but he got a hard dose of reality, which he was actually dishing out to other people, including me.

He was no longer invincible.

I have and had gone through emotional health problems as a child.  I went through emotional withdrawals with my mother, my brother, and even my sisters.  I wasn’t taking care of myself for those early 2000’s, and then it finally caught up to me in 2003….the year I developed a lot of anger problems.

Lots of stories in the podcast down below.

Podcast

Lewis Howes: Invincible Mask – Continued

Lewis Howes mentioned in his book the moment he had the invincibility mask on at a farmers house with his friend.  His father and the insurance agent, who was the farmer, was looking over some papers.  So, like a good thief, Lewis and his friend went down to the basement, started looking through drawers and WA-LA! – $25 dollars in a sealed envelope.  His friend took the $20 and Lewis took the five.

Around 4am, his father confronted him in a pitch black room asking about the situation and if he had taken the money.  Lewis, like anyone else, lied to his father.

His father later found out that Lewis was lying and BOOM! Not only did Lewis get his emotional bank account overdrawn almost immediately, but terminated a friendship between his father and an insurance agent – not to mention stealing money from a man who needed to feed his family.

“After that day, I never stole anything again. Something had switched on inside me: I saw that this wasn’t the path I wanted to go down. The Stoic Mask I had been wearing since my brother went to jail was holding back a tidal wave of emotions I didn’t understand and couldn’t control, but this cheating and stealing was the first time I felt like I was actually in control of anything. The more I did it without getting caught, the more in control of my life I felt until, inevitably, I started to feel invincible. It was an incredible high, just not a positive one. And I wanted to change directions now.”

Excerpt From: Lewis Howes. “The Mask of Masculinity.” iBooks.

Same thing happened here.  Between 1999-2000, I committed several acts of foolishness.  Can I blame it just on my father? Well, when I was living with him in Sunrise Apartments on what was the “outskirts of Vegas,” I never saw him around.  He never taught me from right from wrong.  I learned virtually everything out on the streets, and given the fact that it was such a mucky ass neighborhood, I saw gang fights – literally.  I saw a kid come up with blood all over his face after having his face smashed in by some bad ass kids at Woodbury Middle School.  There was Bret – the best fighter in our elementary school – who would constantly impose his will on just about everyone.  My brother hung out around a guy name Ozzy, who’s more than likely dead by now (given the fact he was the worst student at Woodbury).  I mean all these things put together ultimately creates a disgusting blueprint that’s unshakable.

I stole.  That’s right….I stole some candy from the store.  I got caught red-handed once and the man came in, took the candy and shoved me out of the store before I ran home and cried.  My brother asked me why I was crying and I told him.  He then ratted me out to my father, and then I was grounded for probably 4-6 weeks.  My father, however, never sat me down and told me just how dangerous it is to steal.

So, one year later and while living with my mother, I was caught in another predicament.  Disgusting neighborhood, house got ransacked by my brothers thug ass friends (as it got robbed because of his friends, too), and again, poor decision after poor decision.  As guilty as I still feel today, I stole $1 dollar from my mother underneath the bed.  I told her years later and gave her the money back, but the feeling of shame cannot become undone.  That’s the worst part about it.

I remember the last times I stopped being bad was a comment from my English teacher – Mrs. Baise – who said “looks like you’re doing bad in all of your classes.”  That moment….was the Rite of Passage.

Luckily my despicable friend by the name of Sergio had moved somewhere else and I never saw him again.  Everyone else ended up dispersing, and now my best friends were my childhood friend Billy, Filipino from Hawaii by the name of Mark (very conservative and strict family), and my best friend Andres (who’s managing a warehouse in New York today).  Your environment, family, and friends become you.  I had that invincibility mask which could’ve quickly taken me to juvenile hall (jail for minors).  I snapped out of it.

“So I turned all this energy toward sports instead of stealing. It was unquestionably a better direction, though the idea that a change of direction alone would solve the problems was a total illusion. I was still hiding behind my masks. If we’re honest with ourselves, those of us who want to achieve tend to believe we can do anything when we recognize mistakes and change direction (in business, we call that a “pivot”). In a way, that belief drives us to take risks and do bold things—but I think it’s worth pausing to appreciate how much damage it can do if you ignore the underlying problems. You can’t just ignore the things you’re doing to yourself, to your loved ones, to your body, to your mind, to your reputation, and to your sanity . . . because they will catch up with you.” – Lewis Howes

Podcast

https://www.spreaker.com/user/thearseniobuckshow/lewis-howes-invincible-mask-continued

 

Aggressive Mask: Part II

“Unaddressed anger is the glue that keeps the Aggressive Mask stuck in place, starting very early and lasting, in many cases, for decades. There is research on this, and it testifies to how much young boys, in particular, are soaked in anger. For many of them, anger is the only emotion that is “acceptable” to express.” – Lewis Howes

Blueprints, right? I mean anger is taught.  No way in hell it’s genetics…thats just the genetic make-up of a human being.  Men develop an insurmountable amount of anger over years – I’m one of them.  I’m not sure when it started developing, but late 2003 – 2004, I was enraged.  When I played video games, I would cry when I lost because I thought the game was “cheating.”  My mom would scream at me and tell me to stop playing the game.  Of course this is a story I told in my podcast before, but this is the aggression and crazy amount of anger that I suffered from during my sophomore year of high school.

It wasn’t until I joined Track and Field when it changed.  Again, if I had joined football, I would’ve been talked about in this part of Lewis Howes book.

Ashley Burch, who’s a writer said “when an emotion sneaks in for a male character [in video games], by and large, it is anger. And any sort of grief is very, very underplayed and never actually discussed or processed. Kids end up really looking up to this character. And what they end up idolizing is someone who cannot express themselves emotionally, cannot be honest or open with anyone around them.”

I’ve had the privilege of not having such a tumultuous childhood involving physical abuse both inside and outside the home.  However, I must tell a story that no one actually knows about.

Back in 1997, my father took full custody from my mother and we hopped from one side of Las Vegas to another.  During that time, his second girlfriend, named Kim, had a song and daughter named Brandon and Emily.  This was a family of three from Missouri (a small town in the middle of nowhere).  I didn’t make anything of the pair initially, but then things started happening.  I can’t remember exactly where, but let’s just say it was in the second apartment we lived in.  Brandon would shout, “n*****” at me.  When this happened, I would beat the bricks out of him (lol – but it’s funny – a little).  He would come up with blood coming from his nose and his mom would scream, “what happened to you?!”

“Arsenio punched me.”

I then said, “you called me a N*****!”

……crickets…..

The mother couldn’t defend her son for using such a degrading word.

These were the times when my brother wasn’t around because of his constant anger issues, which he probably got from my mother at the time because of all household issues.  So, I would have to fight my way.  I was bullied a couple days until I retaliated the 3rd day.  This was the day, and only day when I hit another human bring outside of sibling rivalries.  The bully, by the name of Richard, was shoving me forward and backward — and out of impulse — I swung my arm right across the top of his nose, breaking it.

That was 1998.  Fast-forward it to 2001, my friend Billy, who’s still my best friend today, came to a huge disagreement while playing basketball.  In the moment, he began flailing his arms at my face.  I stepped back a few times and grabbed his shirt, swinging him all over the floor before his mother came out and yelled, “I’m gonna kick yal’s asses!”

How did I remain composed? Billy, who would constantly call me poor over the course of a year, deserved a pair of hands to be laid upon his face.  I never had the courage to do it.  Maybe because when I was younger, I saw my mother and father put knives in each other’s faces.  I was never a violent individual – even going back to the Brandon days.

On the other hand and with great respect, I feel my brother wasn’t the lucky one.  I truly believe that my brother ended up getting a piece of the “90’s” mother and father in him.  I recently talked to my sister and she says they never speak to him because he’s always angry.  He’s demanding.  Everything is always right to him….and this is why the relationship between him and I sailed a long time ago.  That anger has lead to destructive habits which he engages in everyday.  The fact that I believe he’s a compulsive gambler, betting on superficial sports games to make ends meet, is a very valid point.  When “little brother” tries inviting him into another world, he becomes angry, gets defensive, combative, and belligerent.

I played sports (Track & Field); but my brother, on the other hand, never played sports.  Could this be the reason why there’s a lot of animosity?

Podcast

https://www.spreaker.com/user/thearseniobuckshow/aggressive-mask-part-ii-stories-from-chi

Sexual Mask: Part IV – What Can You Do Now?

Lewis Howes talked in his book about being raped when he was 5 years old.  There was another instance when he was on the football team where at 3:30 in the morning, he woke up to find his pants half-way down and a girl trying to have sex with him.

Through the eyes of most men reading this – you might thing or might have thought that’s a dream come true.  See, every woman is warned about these near-rape experienced, and men completely shrug off the fact that it can happen to them.

There was one morning during the 2006 Worldcup when I was walking to my friend Kristine’s house.  A man pulled up beside me, said hello and told me to “hop in.”  I thought it was Mr. Nadelson by quick glance, and I even said his name out loud.  However, when I got in the car, I knew it wasn’t him.  He started asking me if he could see my feet and asked me if I wanted to make a little money.  I told him to pull-over and I got out the car quickly, not telling anyone about the experience for about three years.  Now the world knows.

Another instance was on a sunny afternoon.  I was much smarter at this point versus being an 18-years-old, naive youngster.  It had to be between 2009-2011; sometime before I went to Australia on a working holiday visa.  Keep in ming that I live in a predominantly African American neighborhood, people.  A car pulled up beside me – a nice one – and a man asked me where “Big 5” was.  It was odd because I’m asking myself, “no offence, but what’s an Anglo male doing in a neighborhood like this asking about a store that’s more than 10-20 miles away?”  He was rubbing his shades, had a belly, and looked very odd.  He then asked if I needed a ride home, and of course, my home being just on the other side of the wall, I smiled and declined.  Did I report him? No…I should have, because I’m a little bit ashamed to have let a pedaphile getaway like that.

Situations like these, man or woman, need to be talked about.  Only a handful of people in my life know about these two situations, and now I’m able to tell everyone because it could help someone in a country that doesn’t have a system in terms of sex offenders like the United States.

Most men, too, are scared of telling these stories because they fear of having something derogatory said about them.

What Can You Do Right Now?

“Sex is the perfect way to avoid emotions. It feels close and intimate, but sex allows a man struggling behind his Sexual Mask to compartmentalize those emotions and focus only on the physical aspects of sex. The problem with a singular focus on the physical part of sex is that it will never be enough.”

Excerpt From: Lewis Howes. “The Mask of Masculinity.” iBooks.

Absolutely right.  If you have sex, especially within the first week, there’s nothing else to look forward to.  Have you men, who are reading this, ever felt this before? Like before you have sex, there should be a build-up.  The sexual desire and the increased arousal is what it’s all about.  “The process.”  If you do it the first couple of nights, there’s nothing else to look forward to, right?

A man trapped behind this mask is always on the verge for looking for the newest conquest.  The next girl in line.  I see tons of men suffering from this in Thailand.  There’s one teacher I used to work for who was heading home to his girlfriend one day, came across me, and started showing me photos of women who he’s been sleeping with.  It’s terrifying.

What’s Available?

Inner peace
Worthiness
Fulfilling intimate relationships
Feeling grounded
True partnership”

Figure out what you are avoiding. Is it responsibility? Self-worth? Intimacy, connection, pain, joy, or satisfaction? Are you dealing with a huge void or an overabundance of something you don’t know how to handle? Make a list of those things you might be avoiding, and then create an action plan and the next steps you are committed to creating, and by when.

For example: I’ve been avoiding having a conversation with my girlfriend, and I’m going to call her tomorrow . . . whatever it is, write it down.
And really be honest with yourself about whether retreating behind this Sexual Mask has improved your life.

The key to figuring all this out is learning how to be alone. How to love yourself. You need to be in a relationship with yourself first. When you’re looking for love and validation from the outside, you inevitably lose yourself and the ability to cultivate self-love because nothing inside you seems as valuable as what you get from someone else. You’ll never get enough from the outside to fill the void created on the inside, and so you must learn how to be happy by, and with, yourself.” – Lewis Howes

Podcast

https://www.spreaker.com/user/thearseniobuckshow/sexual-mask-part-iv-what-can-you-do-now

The Sexual Mask: Part II

Chris Lee, a brilliant transformational coach, said this in Lewis Howes podcast: “Every boy in America learns by the time they’re in junior high school to associate masculinity with issues of sexual conquest. What’s it mean to be a man? It means you can bring some young girl alongside of yourself and then use her. Use her to either gratify some kind of physical need, or use her to validate some kind of masculine insecurity. That certainly does not make you a man—it makes you a user of other human beings.”

I won’t point at any cultures and not make this religious, but there are certain religions that women are treated as just objects.  They can’t do half the things men can do.  Boys rights, at the ages of 13-15, are much higher than those of women.  That’s the terrifying aspect of I guess “sexism,” but at the same time, Chris Lee is basically saying that when it comes to adolescence, everything begins to change.

I even recall this kid named Jonathan talking about the female reproductive organ in a song he was rapping — in the sixth grade! He was talking about how much he loved it.  He was 12! I didn’t even know what it was, to be honest!

Lewis Howes, hilariously, talked about in his book that he had an uncontrollable erection.  My sweet craving days have been with me for a long time, but like sweets, Lewis Howes had erections.  He would have to walk around the school with his shirt untucked because he was afraid of people seeing it.  I thought it was hilarious, but at the same time, we’ve all been through that stage.  Were there times in high school that I had a staring problem — followed by an arousal problem? Of course!

However, I didn’t have a father figure in my life after 1999.  In the dawn of the millennium, I remember seeing my brother watch a movie that had a sex scene in it.  Because I was so naive, I asked myself “what is he doing to her?”  LOL!

I remember seeing magazines scattered in the park, opening them, and seeing the female reproductive organ before saying to myself, “that’s interesting!” Another “LOL!”

The first time I ever made out was sophomore year of high school.  I had no idea what was happening, but it went on for a long time.  That escalated over a month and it came to me and the same girl being in the middle of the school, at night, and her saying, “LET ME SEE IT!”  I was embarrassed.  NO WAY!

My mom, like most mothers, never sat me down and said, “ok, Arsenio.  This is this…if you do this without this, you’re in trouble.” Hahaha. It just never happened.

This is the same story that revolves around Neil Strauss.

“So what happens is you go through puberty at age 13, and then for the next 8 years in my case, there’s this thing that can make you a man, but you don’t own it or possess it. Someone else either has to give it to you or share it with you, and the longer you don’t get it, the less of a man you feel like. I remember my friend, who was like my only friend in school, we called ourselves the “v-club” because we were both virgins. The whole experience created this incredible gulf between me and women, and me and manhood, and it built up this huge desire.”

Excerpt From: Lewis Howes. “The Mask of Masculinity.” iBooks.

Psychologist from two prominent universities in America published an article 10 years ago….

“In the article, the authors recognized that college-age men, especially in fraternities, who failed to meet the stereotypical definitions of masculinity (men kind of like Neil) were more likely to turn to more negative forms of male socialization in order to play catch-up in the male world. That meant binge drinking, fighting, and casual sex with lots of partners.
The problem with this—besides the obvious risk of disease or enraged exes—is if you don’t get past this phase, you end up just feeling empty. Or worse, you get stuck in the cycle.”

Fraternities, with all respect, are the worst.  Sorry.  I’ve seen it first hand (not being in one, but being at parties where they hosted), and it’s all about who can have sex.  I mean let’s even look at it from a clubbing aspect.  Why do women and men go to the club? Honestly, I really want you to think about it.  To drink copious amounts of alcohol while enduring in blaring music? Come on.

I had one friend say a while back, “I go there to dance with my friends.”  Ummm….you would go to a club late at night to dance with friends instead of sleeping?

Possible — if insanity is involved.

Every woman Neil saw he fantasized of jumping in bed with them; if it was in an airplane, or even at the park.  It controlled him so much that he had to check-in to  a rehab center for sexual habits.  The sexual mask had completely taken over his life.

“What I thought was freedom really wasn’t freedom. The freedom was in the commitments. But if you think about it, “Okay I’m gonna be single or unattached, or I’m just gonna be able to do whatever I want,” it’s like a bird that’s not able to land; it gets exhausting. And going through the processes, by which I was actually able to kind of get rid of my baggage and be intimate in a relationship and not feel trapped, just opened up everything.”

Podcast