Stephen Covey’s Speed of Trust: Season 4 – Episode 3 – The Five Waves of Trust

Stephen Covey posted in the book what I THOUGHT was AMAZING! Let’s break it down.

Five years ago I was working with some associates in a small group and they loved the approach: “We love this leadership content! It’s right on! But our division leaders don’t understand this.  They are the ones who really need to hear it.”

After that, he presented the content to the division leaders: we’re in full agreement with everything you’re saying.  This approach is GREAT! The problem is that the people who really need it are our bosses.”

He went to the bosses…..and again…..”We are enthusiastic about this content! It’s very insightful and helpful.  But our counterparts in the five divisions don’t understand this.  They are the ones who need to hear it.”

It went on and on, as you can see.  Finally, after probably 7-8 presentations, there was the CEO.

“This content is great, but I’m powerless.  I can do nothing.  It’s all in the hands of the board.”

His father once said, “if you think the problem is out there, that very thought is the problem.”

People, just because there are trust issues in your workplace, to your personal life, it doesn’t mean you’re powerless!  In fact, you probably have no idea how powerful you can be in changing the level of trust in any relationship if you know how to work “from the inside out.”

The First Wave: Self Trust

The first wave deals with us.  Our ability to set and achieve goals, to keep commitments, to walk our talk — and also with our ability to inspire trust in others.

The key underlying principle of this trust is credibility, the four cores we’ll be getting into shortly.

So, when you’re not able to keep your commitments, as mentioned before, you lose integrity, credibility, trust, and so many other things.

The Second Wave: Relationship Trust

Trust accounts. Period.  We will go over the 13 behaviors coming up real soon, and all of these rules can be applied either at home or work.  This can significantly increase the ability to generate trust with all involved in order to enhance relationships.

The Third Wave; Organizational Trust

How leaders can deal with trust.  Gary Vee and Tom Bilyeau were recently speaking on a podcast about trust issues and changing from the top.  If you have trust issues amongst the bottom, imagine what’s happening at the top? I worked for a guy in the heart of CBD and he told the guy below him, “don’t let Arsenio teach TOEIC because the students don’t like black teachers.”  He was against it, ofcourse.  Now I’m writing ebooks on TOEIC because I knew what my strength was.  Sometimes distrust can spell STRENGTH.

The Fourth Wave: Market Trust

This is about your company/personal brand, which reflects the trust customers, investors, and others in the marketplace have in you.

Now that I’m building a personal brand with my ESL podcast and blogs, if and when I start teaching through my business, my name is everything. If my name is attached to thievery and distrust, it’s over. I lose.

The Fifth Wave: Societal Trust

The principle underlying this wave is contribution.  This is why I’m doing my Arsenio Buck Foundation.  We counteract this “giving back” with suspicious, cynicism, and low-trust inheritance. We can also inspire others to create value and contribute, as well.

So, I’ll first talk about restoring trust, seeking, speaking, behaving, and then we’ll kick off the first wave.

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Podcast

The Speed of Trust: Season 4 – Episode 1 -Low/High Trust Relationships

So, before we get into the basis of it all, let’s first try outline some of the frustrations we have on a daily basis.

  • I can’t stand the politics at work.  I feel sabotaged by my peers.  It seems like everyone is out for himself and will do anything to get ahead. 

  • I’ve really been burned in the past.  How can I ever trust anyone enough to have a real relationship?

  • I work in an organization that’s bogged down with bureaucracy.  It takes forever to get anything done.  I have to get authorization to buy a pencil!

  • The older my children get, the less they listen to me.  What can I do?

  • I feel like my contributions at work are hardly ever recognized or valued.  

  • I foolishly violated the trust of someone who was supremely important to me.  If I could hit “rewind” and make the decision differently, I would do it in a heartbeat. But I can’t.  Will I ever be able to rebuild the relationship?

  • I have to walk on eggshells at work.  If I say what I really think, I’ll get fired…or at least made irrelevant. 

  • My boss micromanages me and everyone else at work.  He treats us all like we can’t be trusted. 

  • With all the scandals, corruption, and ethical violations in our society today, I feel like someone has pulled the rug out from under me.  I don’t know what — or who — to trust anymore.  

In all of these situations, you CAN do something.  Look, you’ve heard the storm on a number of occasions in terms of what happened between my family and I.  I was the bigger man and decided to message my mother a couple years later.  Did she show any signs of gratitude when she got a message from me? No.  Furthermore, I messaged the siblings, whose relationships are beyond dilapidation, and there was no remorse.  There’s no way they can instill trust in me again and they would much rather have a bulk of anger.  That’s a decision that they will have to live with for the rest of their lives.  I TRIED doing something, but it takes two to tango at times.

SImply put, trust means confidence.  The opposite of trust is distrust and suspicious.

I want you to think right now of someone who you have a high-trust relationship with — perhaps a boss, coworker, parent, sibling, best friend.  What’s it like? How does it feel? How well do you communicate with them? How quickly can you get things done? How much do you enjoy this relationship?

Now

Think of a person with whom you have a low-trust relationship.  Again, it could be any of the nouns above.  How does it feel? How is the communication? Does it flow quickly and freely? Or do you feel like you’re constantly walking on landmines and being misunderstood? Do you enjoy this relationship? Or do you find it draining?

Podcast

 

My Story

So, because my blog, podcasts, Instagram and other means of social media is gaining a lot of momentum, I think it’s time to finally introduce myself on a scale no one ever has.

  • Mother/Father broke up in 97.
  • Two step mothers and three elementary schools in a one year period.
  • Father dropped my siblings and I off at a doorstep in 1999.
  • Moved in with my mother in June of 1999 — and the rest is history.

This was the shambolic childhood.  However, it sounds all bad, and I completely understand from your point of view, but this turned out to best the greatest blessing ever in my life.  Those Christmas morning of 93, 94, and 95 were some of the best of my life.  My grade school was amazing, wonderful friends, and I was introduced to one of the greatest eras of music in humankind (1990’s), along with Sega Genesis and Super Nintendo.  Let’s not forget that.

From 2000-2006, my mother did an amazing job.  We had our transgressions when power got cut off in late 2003, but my mom did everything in her power to restore it (just a day later). I’m super grateful for that.  After choosing to go to college, then demoting my “choice of major” even more (going from Orthodontics, to Dental Hygiene, to Dental Assisting), it was another great blessing.

The Change from a Promise

Satomi Nakagawa, who visited me in 2008, fell to her knees one evening and cried: “I’m never going to see you again.”

She was distressed because the potential of not seeing me again.  In that moment came a promise, “don’t worry, I’ll come to see you.”  I’m not exactly sure if I said next year, but it ended up happening next year when I had the idea of traveling abroad.  BOOM!

Two months after booking a trip, I saw Satomi again and Kingsford International Airport.  The importance of this trip, seeing Darling Harbour, Blue Mountains, and going to Bondi Beach…..was when a seed had blossomed within my mind.  When this happened, I was never the same again.  Living in America was no longer exciting to me (Las Vegas, but let’s be honest, it’s all boring — sorry).  I visited again in 2010 (Melbourne) and met some Mauritians and Indonesians.  One morning I walked along St. Kilda beach and then I decided “I’m moving here next year.”  I told my mother after coming back, and she got teary-eyed.  It was the sign of change, but at the same time, she knew i had to go after what was mine in the universe.  Sure enough, 2011 came rolling around and the last time I felt like I saw my mother was when she gave me a hug, cried, and drove off in a car.

Battles in Australia

Psychological battles galore. I questioned myself about having a personality that wasn’t suitable for Aussies.  I was too personable; too charismatic; too funny.  Just too out there in general.  I remember running down to a harbour area in Lane Cove (north of Sydney) and saying to myself, “they don’t like me here.  Why don’t I have a girlfriend?”

Fast-forwarding that particular situation to my present situation, I’m single — 7 years later.

Rewinding back to that moment….I told a Colombian friend and she said, “Arsenio, you have one of the most beautiful personalities.  Don’t worry about these people.”

Yes.

That was that moment.

I would need that 5 years later when I got into the biggest psychological battle of my life.

Thailand in the YouTube video (coming soon) & Podcast

 

Interviewee #20 – Perry Power – The Art of Storytelling

With a history of sexual abuse and losing his father just over a year ago, Perry has managed to use these dark times and turn it into lightness in order to inspire others to do the same. Believing that our ‘mess is our message’, Perry walks us through how we each have a unique story and hidden power, which we need to find in order to become the best version of ourselves.

Get in touch with Perry Power of the UK

– About the art of storytelling.

 

Links:

 

Things we discussed:

  • Introduction by Perry Power.
  • How Perry started it all?
  • Sharing about Perry’s childhood.
  • Deciding to talk about sexual abuse.
  • Sharing about dark times in an individual’s life.
  • Talking about a man’s ego.
  • Sharing your grief.
  • Talking about struggles in life.
  • The power of being vulnerable.
  • Talking about anger.
  • Sharing about how to shift a mindset about being yourself.
  • Talked about his first FB video.
  • The power of sharing.
  • The power of storytelling.
  • How you tell your story.
  • How old were you when you first started personal development?
  • What did personal development teach you?
  • Hate and forgiveness.
  • Talking about your history of sexual abuse.
  • You need some chapters to your storytelling.
  • The defining moment in your life and in your storytelling.
  • Perfecting your storytelling.
  • You need a flow like a slide in your storytelling.
  • What do you want to accomplish and what are you building?

 

 

Thank you for listening!

 

Thank you so much for joining me for this podcast. Please do write down some feedbacks and comments. Please do share this podcast on your social media.

 

Links:

 

Season 1: Episode 5 – Book Review – Aggressive & Invincible Mask

“Imagine the moments just before a cage fight. The cheering crowd. The threatening opponent in the corner, flexing, shadow-boxing, bouncing rhythmically on the balls of his feet, ready for someone to ring the bell so he can pounce. The highlight reel of his past victories plays on the jumbo-tron—man after man hitting the canvas or tapping desperately as the air gets choked out of them. Think about all the money on the line. The bragging rights. The years of training that led up to this moment.
And now think, how would you feel if you were the fighter about to enter the cage to face your opponent? Afraid? Anxious? Angry? Numb? Worried? You’d be a perfectly normal human being to feel those things.”

Excerpt From: Lewis Howes. “The Mask of Masculinity.” iBooks.

Some of you may or may not know my story about being a child, but back in 2003, I went through a phase where I saw a lot of aggression.  On the first day of school. my mother was laid off work.  We went from having a lot of food, to having very little food in the house.  My mom did everything she could to keep peace and calm in the house, but when the lights got cut off, it persisted.  There was a time my brother confronted me at band practice and we got in a fight.  His punk ass (and I mean that out of total disrespect — lol) ran home to tell my mom first.  When I got home, my mom was screaming at me, and so was my brother, which lead to me running away from home for the first night in my life.  For a mother to take someone’s side, as angry an individual one will ever meet (my brother) without hearing me first, was heartbreaking.

These things continued festering when my long-time crush, Adriana, ended up dumping me.  Following that, a manipulative girl by the name of Maria came into my life and left without a trace, too.

Going into December, I had an insane amount of anger.  There was a jazz band playing in the band room one afternoon — one of the most depressing songs ever that had stuck with me, and still does, to this day. I told my brother what was happening and he could relate.  Remember, if you’re depressed, the goal is to not be around depressed people. My mom, out of desperation, sold a truck to my uncle’s girlfriend (and the truck she got from her father).  She got a much needed $2500 USD from her, not to mention that a long time family friend had came over the previous three weeks with a full Thanksgiving dinner for us — seeing my mom reduce to tears.

Shortly after the New Years, my mother got a new job and that dark cloud that was hanging over our family for the third quarter of 2003 had gone away.  However, something was still inside me.

I would scream and slam controllers on my upstairs bedroom floor when I lost in Blitz 2003.  My mom would yell at the top of her lungs, screaming violently at me “IT’S JUST A F***ING GAME!”

That last time i overreacted was a basketball game: UNC vs. Duke.  UNC lost by a nailbiter and my reaction was so terrifying that my mother glanced at her friend, who was sitting right next to her, and asked him “is something wrong with my son?”

Days later, a kid name Manny approached me and asked about joining the high school Track & Field team.  That weekend I tried out and made the team.  Yes, there was just a small snippet of aggression and uncontrollable rage remaining in me at the time (my brother swayed my mother into not buying some shoes for me and I ended up crying really bad in the back seat of my mother’s vehicle).  After that, that was the last time I could remember being so emotionally distraught.

Aggression builds up.  There are so many areas, in my life, where I could’ve pinpointed what actually happened.  You can only connect the dots looking back.

“That said, the real problem for the development of young men is when aggression is the primary outlet for their pain, their sadness, their anxiety, and their anger.
Unaddressed anger is the glue that keeps the Aggressive Mask stuck in place, starting very early and lasting, in many cases, for decades. There is research on this, and it testifies to how much young boys, in particular, are soaked in anger. For many of them, anger is the only emotion that is “acceptable” to express.”

Excerpt From: Lewis Howes. “The Mask of Masculinity.” iBooks.

Invincible Mask Podcast

Today’s Podcast

Questions & Answers: How Did I Develop My Strength/What Makes You Different From Your Brother?

Wonderful question came in today from a friend in Japan asking something very deep – something I somewhat covered in my last podcast.  So, here are the questions.

Where do you get your strength from?

I lived in Australia for one year.  I thought I was ostricized by society.  There were days I thought I was depressed and told my housemate, “no one likes me here.”

She retorter, “you have a beautiful personality! Don’t worry about others!”  Of course all I did at the time was watch the secret.  There was no Les Brown, Lisa Nichols, MindValley, Tom Bilyeu, or any of these other entrepreneurs, speakers and massive business titans.  I didn’t know the process in terms of bio-hacking the mind.  So throughout my stint in Australia, I had to learn the hard way.  I had a fair-weather friend named Thayanna who ended up disappearing mid-way through the way.  There was no “best friend” from Arizona, just like  there wasn’t in October of 2014 (later story) and last year.  I then realized throughout everything I experienced in Australia…my mother, with a simple comment, pretty much told me that there was no quitting.

“So you’re complaining about life there? If you come back….then what? I don’t have a place for you to stay.  Tina is living here.  You don’t know what to do.”

Basically I can go on and on about that text message but she pretty much gave me a big “f*** you” and “there’s no room for you at the house anymore.”  It was like the disownment I needed.  The “build your courage now or you’re homeless” type of motivation.  And from then on….I never gave up — and a seed was born within me.

Podcast

Aggressive Mask: Part IV – What Can We Do Right Now?

“In the middle of my conversation with Ray Lewis, I asked him about his definition of a man and whether it had evolved as he got older, had kids, became successful, and ultimately retired. By way of answering my question, he told me a story about when he came to a deeper understanding of the challenges the men in his family have faced.

He was 33 years old. He’d reengaged with his long-absent father, and his father wanted him to meet a man named Shady Ray Whitehead who lived in some little trailer 6 hours outside of Charlotte, North Carolina. He had no idea where they were going or who this man was they were visiting, but when they arrived, he and his father walked in and his father said, “Meet your grandfather.”

Ray sat on the floor while his dad sat on the couch, and they talked. One of the first things out of his father’s mouth was a question to his grandfather that had also run through Ray’s head nearly every day of the first 17 years of his life: “Dad, why’d you leave me?” To say this blindsided Ray would be an understatement.

“Ray sat with this information for a while, listening to his father and grandfather, and started to think about the men in his family who struggled in their relationships. Ray’s realization is something out of a novel, or a sermon:

This is a generational curse, man. My son is 21, I’m 41, my father is 61, my grandfather’s 81. His father is 101. Five generations. Twenty years apart. What are we doing? I rode back home with my father for 6 hours while he kept talking, and I never said a word. When I got done listening to him, I said to him: “You know what a man is? A man accepts all of the wrongs, never complains, forgives, and then moves on.” That’s what a man does, because you can never replace him not being at a football game. Never replace him not being to a wrestling match, or a track meet. Beat up by a group of kids? You can never replace him not being there. You can never replace that. So what you can replace is you can replace it with moving on.”

“This is our work to do. The rewards are, indeed, waiting for us, but they will not make themselves known until we begin the process of dropping our Aggressive Mask.”

Replace it with moving on.  It’s time to top off the chapter with my own story.

My father, in 1999, dropped my brother, my sisters, and I off at a doorstep of a house before driving away.  He said, “knock on the door and ask for your mother.”  We did, and he sped off, not seeing him again for the ensuing months.  It was odd, me being only 11 years old and living in more than 5 different households over a year span.

In 2000, I saw someone walking down the street and said, “that looks like my dad!”  Minutes later, I went back home and I was right.  It was my father….and him being in the same household as my mother, went nuts.  Not necessarily on his end, but my mother bursts into anger anytime she hears the name “Willie.”  He wanted “in” our lives, and so my mother granted that if we wanted it.

I remember he was on the phone and I was suppose to go to him that weekend.  I said, “dad, do you have the video games?”  What sounded like video games weren’t, but my father was a master at lying.  After naming three videos games, the third one being my favorite, I bursted into tears of joy before going upstairs to tell my mom.  My mother eavesdropped on the conversation because you could do that by picking up the other line 18 years ago.  I told her what my father got and she said, “he didn’t get you those games. He’s lying.”

I said, “you never did anything for us.”

She cried.

I felt absolutely wretched….even more wretched because she was telling the truth.  My dad was a liar from day 1 and I never knew it until of course that day.  I remember seeing him maybe late 2000 after he came over.  After that, I never saw him again, only hearing his voice on a bus in 2007 and looking square into his eyes in another incident (on the bus) one year later.

I’m blaming him for being the amazing man I am today.

“A man who struggles with aggression needs, first and foremost, to channel his energy and anger in a constructive direction. There are a number of ways to do this at a practical level:
▸Create a wrecking room in your house where you can get it out safely. Fill it with things to smash, push, hit, and pummel. If you can’t get a room, get a pillow. Beat the hell out of it. And repeat.
▸Do cathartic shouting exercises once a week. Scream it out!
▸Take a boxing class, work out, swim, or run.
▸Create an affirmation (e.g., “I’m a peaceful, joyful, loving man”) that you say when you want to break something or get aggressive. – Lewis Howes

Podcast

 

Dale Carnegie’s: Making People Glad To Do What You Want

Because of our personal preferences and interests, we’re never able to look at life through someone else’s shoes, right? We want to look at how we can benefit ourselves first versus anyone else.  That’s why the term “selfish” gets thrown around so much in relationships and friendships.

How can you begin to suggest things to someone, but first show them the rewards of it?

1. Be sincere. Do not promise anything that you cannot deliver. Forget about the benefits to yourself and concentrate on the benefits to the other person.

  • I stopped making promises a long time ago because I would have a fulfilment of about 50%.  Not only do you lose face, but also respect.  The distrust begins to increase and then people just think you’re full of s***.

2. Know exactly what it is you want the other person to do.

3. Be empathetic. Ask yourself what it is the other person really wants.

  • Always look at it from their standpoint and how they can benefit from it – your standpoint can wait.

4. Consider the benefits that person will receive from doing what you suggest.

  • This part can be fun.  As I talked about in my podcast about a father seeking out the benefits of his child, this can relate to a lot of parents out there.

5. Match those benefits to the other person’s wants.

6. When you make your request, put it in a form that will convey to the other person the idea that he personally will benefit. We could give a curt order like this: “John, we have customers coming in tomorrow and I need the stockroom cleaned out. So sweep it out, put the stock in neat piles on the shelves and polish the counter.” Or we could express the same idea by showing John the benefits he will get from doing the task: “John, we have a job that should be completed right away. If it is done now, we won’t be faced with it later. I am bringing some customers in tomorrow to show our facilities. I would like to show them the stockroom, but it is in poor shape. If you could sweep it out, put the stock in neat piles on the shelves, and polish the counter, it would make us look efficient and you will have done your part to provide a good company image.

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