Season 1: Episode 6 – Book Review – Alpha & Know-It-All Masks

These are the last two masks I’ll be talking about, and this is the last episode for Lewis Howes’ Masks of Masculinity book.  There were so many gems and so many things I connected in my past.  Even over the past couple of days, I still continue to see people who are suffering from these masks: both men and women.  So, let’s break down the Alpha and Know-It-All masks.

“When I shut up and let my podcast guests do the talking, only then are they able to share their wisdom and teach me things I didn’t know.”

Excerpt From: Lewis Howes. “The Mask of Masculinity.” iBooks.

This was a quote that changed the way I did podcasts.  For example, when I brought Soheir on my show, I sat back, let her speak, and employed close listening.  However, some people who are hosts for podcasts and hosts in general do all the talking.  That could be a problem.

Another instance was my most recent podcast interview with Tiffany Okafor.  I related, but I also asked her some good questions and didn’t want it to be a full-fledge interview.

“Have you ever noticed how people tend to fill the dead time in a conversation or a meeting by rambling on about some random topic? Have you ever watched someone you work with try to impress the people around them by going on a long rant about something you can’t even pronounce? Have you ever seen someone in an important setting suck the air out of the room by making it all about them? They always have a response, they can’t let anything go, and they have to show you how smart they are.”

Excerpt From: Lewis Howes. “The Mask of Masculinity.” iBooks.

Welcome to corporate America.  There’s always the manage/CEO that has to have his final say in everything.  There’s always that suit and tie guy that pushes the narrative that he’s better than everyone else because he knows bigger words.

I tried looking for the video, but there was an instance that two hollywood “white boys” (I’m emphasizing this for a reason) came to Gary Vee’s office, and instead of them shutting up and listening, they talked over Gary Vee the entire time, sending most commenters and subscribers into a frenzy of name-calling.  You have to be the student sometimes.  If I ever have the special privilege of bringing Michael Bernard Beckwith on my podcast, I would literally just ask some questions and sit back — just as I did when Sano came onto my podcast.

What’s available when you drop the mask…

People want to be around you
Freedom to not know
Ability to learn and grow
Wisdom from others
Deeper intimacy
Support from others

Podcast

Alpha Mask

 

This has already been handled about 10 days ago, so I’ll just post the podcast down below for you guys.

 

Final Review

Being able to finish these books, learn, grow, and teach what I’ve learned, is one of the greatest things I could’ve ever done.  Over the past couple of years, I’ve finished somewhere around a half-dozen books (compared to maybe 2 books the previous 28 years) and I’ve seen significant growth.

I want to thank everyone who’s been with me on this journey and we’re going to continue with Napoleon Hill’s PMA book in the next season!

Sexual Mask: Part IV – What Can You Do Now?

Lewis Howes talked in his book about being raped when he was 5 years old.  There was another instance when he was on the football team where at 3:30 in the morning, he woke up to find his pants half-way down and a girl trying to have sex with him.

Through the eyes of most men reading this – you might thing or might have thought that’s a dream come true.  See, every woman is warned about these near-rape experienced, and men completely shrug off the fact that it can happen to them.

There was one morning during the 2006 Worldcup when I was walking to my friend Kristine’s house.  A man pulled up beside me, said hello and told me to “hop in.”  I thought it was Mr. Nadelson by quick glance, and I even said his name out loud.  However, when I got in the car, I knew it wasn’t him.  He started asking me if he could see my feet and asked me if I wanted to make a little money.  I told him to pull-over and I got out the car quickly, not telling anyone about the experience for about three years.  Now the world knows.

Another instance was on a sunny afternoon.  I was much smarter at this point versus being an 18-years-old, naive youngster.  It had to be between 2009-2011; sometime before I went to Australia on a working holiday visa.  Keep in ming that I live in a predominantly African American neighborhood, people.  A car pulled up beside me – a nice one – and a man asked me where “Big 5” was.  It was odd because I’m asking myself, “no offence, but what’s an Anglo male doing in a neighborhood like this asking about a store that’s more than 10-20 miles away?”  He was rubbing his shades, had a belly, and looked very odd.  He then asked if I needed a ride home, and of course, my home being just on the other side of the wall, I smiled and declined.  Did I report him? No…I should have, because I’m a little bit ashamed to have let a pedaphile getaway like that.

Situations like these, man or woman, need to be talked about.  Only a handful of people in my life know about these two situations, and now I’m able to tell everyone because it could help someone in a country that doesn’t have a system in terms of sex offenders like the United States.

Most men, too, are scared of telling these stories because they fear of having something derogatory said about them.

What Can You Do Right Now?

“Sex is the perfect way to avoid emotions. It feels close and intimate, but sex allows a man struggling behind his Sexual Mask to compartmentalize those emotions and focus only on the physical aspects of sex. The problem with a singular focus on the physical part of sex is that it will never be enough.”

Excerpt From: Lewis Howes. “The Mask of Masculinity.” iBooks.

Absolutely right.  If you have sex, especially within the first week, there’s nothing else to look forward to.  Have you men, who are reading this, ever felt this before? Like before you have sex, there should be a build-up.  The sexual desire and the increased arousal is what it’s all about.  “The process.”  If you do it the first couple of nights, there’s nothing else to look forward to, right?

A man trapped behind this mask is always on the verge for looking for the newest conquest.  The next girl in line.  I see tons of men suffering from this in Thailand.  There’s one teacher I used to work for who was heading home to his girlfriend one day, came across me, and started showing me photos of women who he’s been sleeping with.  It’s terrifying.

What’s Available?

Inner peace
Worthiness
Fulfilling intimate relationships
Feeling grounded
True partnership”

Figure out what you are avoiding. Is it responsibility? Self-worth? Intimacy, connection, pain, joy, or satisfaction? Are you dealing with a huge void or an overabundance of something you don’t know how to handle? Make a list of those things you might be avoiding, and then create an action plan and the next steps you are committed to creating, and by when.

For example: I’ve been avoiding having a conversation with my girlfriend, and I’m going to call her tomorrow . . . whatever it is, write it down.
And really be honest with yourself about whether retreating behind this Sexual Mask has improved your life.

The key to figuring all this out is learning how to be alone. How to love yourself. You need to be in a relationship with yourself first. When you’re looking for love and validation from the outside, you inevitably lose yourself and the ability to cultivate self-love because nothing inside you seems as valuable as what you get from someone else. You’ll never get enough from the outside to fill the void created on the inside, and so you must learn how to be happy by, and with, yourself.” – Lewis Howes

Podcast

https://www.spreaker.com/user/thearseniobuckshow/sexual-mask-part-iv-what-can-you-do-now

Lewis Howes: Sexual Mask – Part III

In recent months I came across a person named “Zern.”  Zern caught me off completely with her amount of spoken English fluency.  The first time we met was a spaghetti dinner at my condominium and it was a remarkable time.  A terrible movie, but a good time.  To be honest, I thought that would be the last time I saw her because I “know how it goes” with women here.  Not only was I wrong, she drove more than 40km to come see me in the evening to talk things over.  It was very bumps at the beginning, but I was like that child.  That child in school who constantly thought about someone he liked.  I felt young again.  That inner child came out of me – but somewhere along the line the complaints came.  Not just any complain, but a herd of them.  The last message I received from her was, “yeah, I think you’re too independent.”  She went off into the Khao San road (notorious nightlife area in Bangkok) that evening and it was the last message I ever got from her.

Did I want to settle down? Was I too independent? Who wants to settle? I mean after about four weeks, I was already a bit…”bored.” Am I the most handsome man in the world through the eyes of Thai standards? HELL NO! I’m just a “black-African Nigerian scammer through mosts eyes” (LOL), but I’m also the guy who can probably swipe right on tinder 100 times in Thailand and get 3 matches (and America).  However, if I swipe 100 times in Indonesia, Kazakhstan and a few other countries, I get 7 out of 10 matches.

Why am I even on Tinder? Where am I even going with this? Well, I’m a living proof, I believe, that you don’t have to follow your libido.  I use these social media apps to actually meet some likeminded people – often rare.  However, I know teachers who are on 5-10 websites searching for new “meat” as they say.

Lewis Howes mentioned in his book that once he started getting more “notoriety,” women started paying more attention.  I honestly love living in my shoes everyday.  It doesn’t matter about the followers, podcast listeners, soon-to-be-book, tedx….I believe that I will walk through the airport and still have people walk right past me – exactly how I like it.

“The bird wasn’t exhausted because it never stopped flying from nest to nest; it was exhausted because it spent all its energy staying aloft while it debated which direction to fly. Was this really what freedom is supposed to feel like?”

Excerpt From: Lewis Howes. “The Mask of Masculinity.” iBooks.

“I cheated on Ingrid, who’s my wife now, and I felt horrible. I thought I was a good guy. I really loved her, I wanted to be with her, and I cheated on her, and I just couldn’t understand why would I do that to someone? Why would I hurt somebody like that who loves me? Why would I break her heart? Why would I ruin my future? And why would I act outside my ethics system and outside my morals and just for sex that wasn’t even that good anyway?” – Neil Strauss

BOOM.  I bet men all over the world are asking themselves this….”why?”  I mean, I absolutely love being single, and not because I have the freedom, but because I can come home and have 4 hours of power: podcasts, writing blogs, writing my book, instant messaging people on instagram, etc,.

Lots of men also love being single just to wave a piece of meat in any direction they will.  Fair enough.  But why commit the mistake while in a relationship?

“If you watch porn these days, it is disproportionately aggressive. It’s all about dominating women, so much of it is about humiliation. It’s not just the amount of sex. Guys feel more like a man if they’re dominating and aggressive in bed. Instead of the definition of a man being about making her feel good in bed, it’s all about showing physical dominance over her. Because that is so pervasive in porn, I think men have a warped sense of reality when it comes to masculinity in the bedroom. I dread to think about kids who are like 9 or 10 who have never kissed a girl and that is their first data point with sex, that that’s what it looks like. It’s creating some messed-up men.” – Matthew Hussey

I think this should be ringing a bell for a lot of men out there.  No nationalities needed, but I’ve seen a fair share of people from one particular country on videos I shouldn’t have been watching in the past where they’re just unbelievably aggressive.  YIKES!

“And it isn’t just fiction either. We perpetuate these stereotypes and myths in real life. Men who find and hook up with women are players, studs, ballers. Meanwhile, what’s our take on a guy who is committed? He’s tied down. He’s settled. He’s off the market. He goes out with his buddies only when his wife gives him permission. He has a “dad bod.” His sex life is a wasteland. And don’t get me started with how unfair the labels and double standards are with women. What we celebrate in single guys, we call being a slut in a woman. When a guy marries a rich woman, it doesn’t mean anything; but if a woman does it, she risks being called a gold digger. A woman who is clear about what she wants and expects in a relationship is a nag or a bitch.” – Lewis Howes

But it’s all nonsense, huh?

Podcast

 

The Sexual Mask: Part II

Chris Lee, a brilliant transformational coach, said this in Lewis Howes podcast: “Every boy in America learns by the time they’re in junior high school to associate masculinity with issues of sexual conquest. What’s it mean to be a man? It means you can bring some young girl alongside of yourself and then use her. Use her to either gratify some kind of physical need, or use her to validate some kind of masculine insecurity. That certainly does not make you a man—it makes you a user of other human beings.”

I won’t point at any cultures and not make this religious, but there are certain religions that women are treated as just objects.  They can’t do half the things men can do.  Boys rights, at the ages of 13-15, are much higher than those of women.  That’s the terrifying aspect of I guess “sexism,” but at the same time, Chris Lee is basically saying that when it comes to adolescence, everything begins to change.

I even recall this kid named Jonathan talking about the female reproductive organ in a song he was rapping — in the sixth grade! He was talking about how much he loved it.  He was 12! I didn’t even know what it was, to be honest!

Lewis Howes, hilariously, talked about in his book that he had an uncontrollable erection.  My sweet craving days have been with me for a long time, but like sweets, Lewis Howes had erections.  He would have to walk around the school with his shirt untucked because he was afraid of people seeing it.  I thought it was hilarious, but at the same time, we’ve all been through that stage.  Were there times in high school that I had a staring problem — followed by an arousal problem? Of course!

However, I didn’t have a father figure in my life after 1999.  In the dawn of the millennium, I remember seeing my brother watch a movie that had a sex scene in it.  Because I was so naive, I asked myself “what is he doing to her?”  LOL!

I remember seeing magazines scattered in the park, opening them, and seeing the female reproductive organ before saying to myself, “that’s interesting!” Another “LOL!”

The first time I ever made out was sophomore year of high school.  I had no idea what was happening, but it went on for a long time.  That escalated over a month and it came to me and the same girl being in the middle of the school, at night, and her saying, “LET ME SEE IT!”  I was embarrassed.  NO WAY!

My mom, like most mothers, never sat me down and said, “ok, Arsenio.  This is this…if you do this without this, you’re in trouble.” Hahaha. It just never happened.

This is the same story that revolves around Neil Strauss.

“So what happens is you go through puberty at age 13, and then for the next 8 years in my case, there’s this thing that can make you a man, but you don’t own it or possess it. Someone else either has to give it to you or share it with you, and the longer you don’t get it, the less of a man you feel like. I remember my friend, who was like my only friend in school, we called ourselves the “v-club” because we were both virgins. The whole experience created this incredible gulf between me and women, and me and manhood, and it built up this huge desire.”

Excerpt From: Lewis Howes. “The Mask of Masculinity.” iBooks.

Psychologist from two prominent universities in America published an article 10 years ago….

“In the article, the authors recognized that college-age men, especially in fraternities, who failed to meet the stereotypical definitions of masculinity (men kind of like Neil) were more likely to turn to more negative forms of male socialization in order to play catch-up in the male world. That meant binge drinking, fighting, and casual sex with lots of partners.
The problem with this—besides the obvious risk of disease or enraged exes—is if you don’t get past this phase, you end up just feeling empty. Or worse, you get stuck in the cycle.”

Fraternities, with all respect, are the worst.  Sorry.  I’ve seen it first hand (not being in one, but being at parties where they hosted), and it’s all about who can have sex.  I mean let’s even look at it from a clubbing aspect.  Why do women and men go to the club? Honestly, I really want you to think about it.  To drink copious amounts of alcohol while enduring in blaring music? Come on.

I had one friend say a while back, “I go there to dance with my friends.”  Ummm….you would go to a club late at night to dance with friends instead of sleeping?

Possible — if insanity is involved.

Every woman Neil saw he fantasized of jumping in bed with them; if it was in an airplane, or even at the park.  It controlled him so much that he had to check-in to  a rehab center for sexual habits.  The sexual mask had completely taken over his life.

“What I thought was freedom really wasn’t freedom. The freedom was in the commitments. But if you think about it, “Okay I’m gonna be single or unattached, or I’m just gonna be able to do whatever I want,” it’s like a bird that’s not able to land; it gets exhausting. And going through the processes, by which I was actually able to kind of get rid of my baggage and be intimate in a relationship and not feel trapped, just opened up everything.”

Podcast