Dale Carnegie’s: Making People Glad To Do What You Want

Because of our personal preferences and interests, we’re never able to look at life through someone else’s shoes, right? We want to look at how we can benefit ourselves first versus anyone else.  That’s why the term “selfish” gets thrown around so much in relationships and friendships.

How can you begin to suggest things to someone, but first show them the rewards of it?

1. Be sincere. Do not promise anything that you cannot deliver. Forget about the benefits to yourself and concentrate on the benefits to the other person.

  • I stopped making promises a long time ago because I would have a fulfilment of about 50%.  Not only do you lose face, but also respect.  The distrust begins to increase and then people just think you’re full of s***.

2. Know exactly what it is you want the other person to do.

3. Be empathetic. Ask yourself what it is the other person really wants.

  • Always look at it from their standpoint and how they can benefit from it – your standpoint can wait.

4. Consider the benefits that person will receive from doing what you suggest.

  • This part can be fun.  As I talked about in my podcast about a father seeking out the benefits of his child, this can relate to a lot of parents out there.

5. Match those benefits to the other person’s wants.

6. When you make your request, put it in a form that will convey to the other person the idea that he personally will benefit. We could give a curt order like this: “John, we have customers coming in tomorrow and I need the stockroom cleaned out. So sweep it out, put the stock in neat piles on the shelves and polish the counter.” Or we could express the same idea by showing John the benefits he will get from doing the task: “John, we have a job that should be completed right away. If it is done now, we won’t be faced with it later. I am bringing some customers in tomorrow to show our facilities. I would like to show them the stockroom, but it is in poor shape. If you could sweep it out, put the stock in neat piles on the shelves, and polish the counter, it would make us look efficient and you will have done your part to provide a good company image.

Podcast

 

Stephen Covey – Empathic Listening

“Seek first to understand.”

We’re always the first ones that want to be heard first, instead of listening to others first. Michael Bernard Beckwith said on a recent video, “you know sometimes we’re always right.  We’re never wrong.”  However, this could hurt relationships along the way if you don’t become an active listener.

Sometimes when we’re listening we’re preparing to speak.  I won’t name any names, but there is an entrepreneur who’s listening to one individual but he’s already preparing to speak over the other individual.  Self-control also deals a lot with this. We have a tendency of filtering everything through our own paradigms.  We relate it to our lives, too.

Kind of like, “oh, I know exactly how you feel! I went through the same thing.  Let me tell you about my experience.”

We constantly project our home movies onto other people’s behavior.

Here’s a good example out of Stephen Covey’s book.

A father once told me, “I can’t understand my kid.  He just won’t listen to me at all.”

“Let me restate what you just said,” I replied. “You don’t understand your son because he won’t listen to you?”

“That’s right,” he replied.

“Let me try again,” I said. “You don’t understand your son because he won’t listen to you?”

“That’s what I said,” he impatiently replied.

“I thought that to understand another person, you needed to listen to him,” I suggested.

“Oh!” he said. There was a long pause. “Oh!” he said again. “But I do understand him.  I know what he’s going through.  I went through the same thing myself.  I guess what I don’t understand is why he won’t listen to me.”

This man doesn’t have a clue what’s going on inside his boy’s head.  He related his own experiences to his boy.

This is the problem with a lot of us.  We’re filled with our own rightness.  Our conversations become monologues, and we never really understand what’s happening in the inside of another human being.

Podcast

 

Five Major Deposits Into An Emotional Bank Account

It’s time to figure out how to build an emotional bank account.

Understanding The Individual 

What might be perceived as a deposit through the eyes of you might not constitute as one for someone else.  Better yet, it might even be a withdrawal.  Going on a walk, eating ice cream, or doing an activity out of ‘guilt’ will further dampen the account.

Stephen Covey talked about having a friend who was a college professor.  He had a terrible relationship with his teenage son.  This man’s entire life was academic, and thought his son was wasting away his life by using his “hands” instead of using his mind. As a result, he was constantly on the boy’s back, and, in moments of regret, he would try to make deposits that just didn’t work.  What happened more was the boy began perceiving his gestures to be even more rejecting.

So, after Stephen spoke to him about this, he decided to engage with his son in a project to build a Wall of Chin around their home.  Ridiculous time consuming, but the bonding experience occurred whereas that son moved through that phase in his life and into an increased desire to develop his mind.

Our tendency is to project out of our own autobiographies what we think other people want or need.  We project our intentions on the behavior of others.  We interpret what constitutes a deposit based on our own needs and desires, either now or when we were at a similar age or stage in life.  If they don’t interpret our effort as a deposit, our tendency is to take it as a rejection of our well intentioned effort and to give up. – Stephen Covey

“Do unto others as yo would have others do unto you.”

Attending To The Little Things

There was a time Stephen took his sons out for a memorable day trip involving gymnastics, wrestling matches, hotdogs and other things.  At the end of the day, they were watching a movie when Stephen realized one of his sons fell asleep.  The older brother and Stephen kept on watching until the end.  When it was over, he picked up his son, put a coat around him and walked him to the car.  He then realized after getting home that his six-year-old son began to go through withdrawals.  In the car ride home, Stephen tried asking him questions and the answers were very bland.  He wondered what was going on until the very end of the night, his son, who was sleeping in the other bed, turned around with tears and quivering lips and chin before asking, “Daddy, if I were cold, would you put your coat around me, too?”

Of all the events that happened that day, the most important one was a little act of kindness.

What a powerful, personal lesson that is.  I felt the same way when my mother obtained her income tax and took us to “The tower.”  She bought my brother videos games and when I asked for a pair of shoes, my brother influenced her decision and said no.  The entire ride home I was crying, at the age of 15, because I felt she cared more about my brother than I.  People, including myself, are very tender and sensitive inside.

Keeping Commitments

I’ve talked about this subject quite a few times already.  When you cancel over and over and over, the person’s tolerance level will only go so high.  That feeling of distrust and “you don’t care about me” begins to amplify until someone just gives up.  This has happened a lot with me in Thailand.  I canceled my friend on so many different occasions, her ultimately going on a rant and pity party saying, “you don’t give a s*** about me.”  I felt terrible.  If you can’t keep your promise, don’t promise to begin with!

Clarifying Expectations

This is one of those subjects that happen all the time, especially at work.  When someone wants to know their job description and how much they need to do, they can get into a verbal battle with their boss, resulting in an argument that happens over and over and over again.  This happens because of ambiguous expectations around goals and roles.

That’s why it’s so important whenever you come into a new situation to get all the expectations out on the table.  People will begin to judge each other through those expectations.  And if they feel like their basic expectations have been violated, the serve of trust is diminished.  We create many negative situations by simply assuming that our expectations are self-evident and that they are clearly understood and shared by other people. – Stephen Covey

Apologizing Sincerely When You Make A Withdrawal

  • I was wrong.
  • That was unkind of me.
  • I showed you no respect.
  • I gave you no dignity, and I’m deeply sorry.
  • I embarrassed you in front of your friends and I had no call to do that.  Even though I wanted to make a point, I never should have done it.  I apologize.”

It takes a great deal of strength to apologize quickly.

I was eating my favorite pizza in the world and salad when my staff came in five minutes before class began to bring students inside.  I told her, “I’m eating.”  Both her, and the maid, completely disregarded my comment; so this resulted in my standing up, grabbing my belongings in haste and storming out of the class.  In doing so, she asked me, “are you ok?”

I retorted, “all I wanna do is eat my pizza and peace and I can’t even do that.”

She came in a couple minutes later (when I went into the computer room) and apologised.  Later, I felt bad and I apologized, too.  I told her if I don’t eat and get interrupted while trying to get energy in my body, I have a tendency of exploding.  OOPS!

Hopefully these things will help you guys going forward and my podcast is down below!