The Sexual Mask: Part II

Chris Lee, a brilliant transformational coach, said this in Lewis Howes podcast: “Every boy in America learns by the time they’re in junior high school to associate masculinity with issues of sexual conquest. What’s it mean to be a man? It means you can bring some young girl alongside of yourself and then use her. Use her to either gratify some kind of physical need, or use her to validate some kind of masculine insecurity. That certainly does not make you a man—it makes you a user of other human beings.”

I won’t point at any cultures and not make this religious, but there are certain religions that women are treated as just objects.  They can’t do half the things men can do.  Boys rights, at the ages of 13-15, are much higher than those of women.  That’s the terrifying aspect of I guess “sexism,” but at the same time, Chris Lee is basically saying that when it comes to adolescence, everything begins to change.

I even recall this kid named Jonathan talking about the female reproductive organ in a song he was rapping — in the sixth grade! He was talking about how much he loved it.  He was 12! I didn’t even know what it was, to be honest!

Lewis Howes, hilariously, talked about in his book that he had an uncontrollable erection.  My sweet craving days have been with me for a long time, but like sweets, Lewis Howes had erections.  He would have to walk around the school with his shirt untucked because he was afraid of people seeing it.  I thought it was hilarious, but at the same time, we’ve all been through that stage.  Were there times in high school that I had a staring problem — followed by an arousal problem? Of course!

However, I didn’t have a father figure in my life after 1999.  In the dawn of the millennium, I remember seeing my brother watch a movie that had a sex scene in it.  Because I was so naive, I asked myself “what is he doing to her?”  LOL!

I remember seeing magazines scattered in the park, opening them, and seeing the female reproductive organ before saying to myself, “that’s interesting!” Another “LOL!”

The first time I ever made out was sophomore year of high school.  I had no idea what was happening, but it went on for a long time.  That escalated over a month and it came to me and the same girl being in the middle of the school, at night, and her saying, “LET ME SEE IT!”  I was embarrassed.  NO WAY!

My mom, like most mothers, never sat me down and said, “ok, Arsenio.  This is this…if you do this without this, you’re in trouble.” Hahaha. It just never happened.

This is the same story that revolves around Neil Strauss.

“So what happens is you go through puberty at age 13, and then for the next 8 years in my case, there’s this thing that can make you a man, but you don’t own it or possess it. Someone else either has to give it to you or share it with you, and the longer you don’t get it, the less of a man you feel like. I remember my friend, who was like my only friend in school, we called ourselves the “v-club” because we were both virgins. The whole experience created this incredible gulf between me and women, and me and manhood, and it built up this huge desire.”

Excerpt From: Lewis Howes. “The Mask of Masculinity.” iBooks.

Psychologist from two prominent universities in America published an article 10 years ago….

“In the article, the authors recognized that college-age men, especially in fraternities, who failed to meet the stereotypical definitions of masculinity (men kind of like Neil) were more likely to turn to more negative forms of male socialization in order to play catch-up in the male world. That meant binge drinking, fighting, and casual sex with lots of partners.
The problem with this—besides the obvious risk of disease or enraged exes—is if you don’t get past this phase, you end up just feeling empty. Or worse, you get stuck in the cycle.”

Fraternities, with all respect, are the worst.  Sorry.  I’ve seen it first hand (not being in one, but being at parties where they hosted), and it’s all about who can have sex.  I mean let’s even look at it from a clubbing aspect.  Why do women and men go to the club? Honestly, I really want you to think about it.  To drink copious amounts of alcohol while enduring in blaring music? Come on.

I had one friend say a while back, “I go there to dance with my friends.”  Ummm….you would go to a club late at night to dance with friends instead of sleeping?

Possible — if insanity is involved.

Every woman Neil saw he fantasized of jumping in bed with them; if it was in an airplane, or even at the park.  It controlled him so much that he had to check-in to  a rehab center for sexual habits.  The sexual mask had completely taken over his life.

“What I thought was freedom really wasn’t freedom. The freedom was in the commitments. But if you think about it, “Okay I’m gonna be single or unattached, or I’m just gonna be able to do whatever I want,” it’s like a bird that’s not able to land; it gets exhausting. And going through the processes, by which I was actually able to kind of get rid of my baggage and be intimate in a relationship and not feel trapped, just opened up everything.”

Podcast

 

 

Lewis Howes: The Sexual Mask – Introduction

Around Sukhumvit Soi 4 there are a number of stands selling bootlegged electronics, clothes, and even sexual toys.  On these dilapidated sidewalks are hundreds of sex tourists stalking out their prey.  Sadly enough, their prey are just next to these stands – small bars with music and about three girls wearing very little and shaking their boobs, lunging out trying to grab their potential customers’ hands.

There are alleys, side-streets, bars, clubs, and everything else that applies that fulfils the needs of these men who have come from all parts of the world to deep-dive into a sexual trance.

Welcome to my world.

Is all of Thailand like this? No. There are gorgeous, poshy areas just up the road; and there are some excellent business districts where working class Thais live.  However, from where I work now, to the individual I ran into just a couple weeks ago talking about: “hey, I had sex with this girl and that girl — oh, wait, my girlfriend is calling me.”  This is what drives most foreign men to insanity — the constant need of sexual fulfillment.

Lewis Howes talked about a man named Neil Strauss in his book.  This is an individual who created a book in terms of becoming a “pick-up artist.”  He was, and probably continues to be that master.  He found himself in the middle of a “free-for-all” sex party in the heart of Paris.  A woman approached him and said, “I just want ________ in me.”

Neil went on to quote with Lewis Howes: This is the kind of woman I fantasized about as a teenager: an indiscriminate one. And more than anything I’ve experienced so far, this seems like free sex—because there’s no spiritual baggage, drug baggage, or even much relationship baggage around it. In fact, there’s no baggage or encumbrances whatsoever, just randomly intersecting body parts.”

That was the beginning of his downfall.  What he thought was going to be a utopia in the states after coming back – turned into a nightmare with three jealous ex’s.

“When Neil began writing The Game, he was, by his own admission, a sexual amateur. Worse than that, he was what he calls an AFC (average frustrated chump). The story is his introduction to the secret society of “pickup artists”—men who make finding and sleeping with lots of women their primary purpose in life, like a game. Strauss told his editor that he wanted to write about this community because it was interesting. In reality, he was tired of being alone and feeling like a loser. At one sad point in his life, Neil had even considered finding a mail-order bride. He tells the story of having been on the road with the band Mötley Crüe for a book he was writing and not even getting a kiss from a single girl. By almost every definition of what it means to be a “man” in America, Neil felt like a failure and was less than guys who were having lots of sex.”

Excerpt From: Lewis Howes. “The Mask of Masculinity.” iBooks.

And this is what I see everyday of my life here in Thailand.  Is it the ultra-successful group I’m engaged in at my gym? No, but I used to be a part of a relationships where one of my colleagues would invent lies about him sleeping with dozens of women per week while having a wife – or was it?

It’s like what I see now.  Several months ago I saw an anglo-foreigner holding hands with a 20 year old university student while all Thais watched, aghast. Just two months ago I saw what a appeared to be a 70-year-old homeless man, his 45-year-old son, and a 15-year-old girl in a restaurant.  I was flabbergasted at the fact that Thais thought it was normal, but what I was witnessing was two older men touching a girl and scooting even closer to her in the horseshoe-type sitting area.

This is what makes me furious.  From the men that come here to buy/marry a wife, to one’s who come here to engage in pedaphilia….because they’re “anglo,” it’s still considered “ok.”

And, then, when Arsenio Buck applies for jobs online, they quickly ask for a photo to see the complexion of my skin, resulting in a quick decision not to hire me because I’m colored.

Going back to Neil Strauss’ Story.  Men think sleeping with a number of women at the same time is considered to be “cool.”  Neil Strauss slept with scores of women, as most 25-30-year-old anglo men would do here in Thailand, and became the number one pick-up guy in the world.

Is that a nice title to have?

Lewis Howes says, “you might think that you want that, but you’re wrong.”

Podcast

 

The Masks of Society, Identifying Yours & The Journey

1.The Stoic Mask: Because every man must be invulnerable and tough, emotions are carefully managed and suppressed. There can be no crying, no pain, no feeling. A wall is put up between him and the world to protect him, to pretend he doesn’t feel the things he does, because weakness is an invitation to scrutiny and judgment and rejection.

2.The Athlete Mask: One of the clearest ways a man can distinguish himself is on the field or on the court. He is like a modern-day gladiator whose weapon isn’t death, but domination. Sports are how men prove themselves, and a good athlete is a good man—period. This means spending hours in the gym to get in shape. It means fighting through injuries and pain and fear to win at all costs. And of course, if for some reason a man isn’t good at sports, he had better compensate for that by loving them and knowing everything he can about them.

3.The Material Mask: There is no clearer sign of a man’s worth than the amount of money in his bank account. Not only do men work incredibly hard—and sometimes do questionable things — to make as much money as possible, it’s all for naught if other people don’t know how much money he has. In this way, his cars, his watches, his houses, and his social media feeds become a representation of who he is. A man’s net worth becomes his self-worth.

4.The Sexual Mask: A man is defined by his sexual conquests—his worth determined not only by his bank account but by the number of women he’s slept with. Relationships? Those are for lesser men—for quitters and settlers. A real man loves them and then leaves them—but he’s so good in bed, they’re left fully satisfied, of course.
5.The Aggressive Mask: Men are aggressive. It’s their nature. They’re violent and tough, and they never back down. When they see something they want, they take it. Men hate; men have enemies. Of course they have a temper; of course they break things; and of course they get into fights. They’re the hunters, not the gatherers. It’s what men do. A man who thinks otherwise is not a man and is responsible for the weakening of the world.

6.The Joker Mask: A man has a sense of humor and a wit that can repel even the most withering critique or the most nagging doubt. Talk about his problems? Okay, Dr. Phil, maybe later. Cynicism and sarcasm and a sense of superiority, these are the intellectual weapons that a man uses to defend against every attempt to soften him or connect with him. If you want a man to let you in, expect a knock-knock joke, not an open door.”
7.The Invincible Mask: A man does not feel fear. A man takes risks. Whether that’s betting his life savings on a company or cliff diving or smoking and drinking in incredible quantities, a man doesn’t have time to think about consequences, he’s too busy doing. Other people (i.e., women and betas) have “problems.” But men? Men have it all under control. They’ve “got this” and they’ll be fine.

8.The Know-It-All Mask: A man is not only physically dominant but intellectually dominant too. If you don’t understand why that is, a man is happy to explain it to you—along with all the other subjects he’s an expert in. He went to a top school, he watches the news, and he knows all the answers. He certainly doesn’t need your—or anyone’s—help. He knows it all.
9.The Alpha Mask: At the most basic level, men believe that there are only two types of men: alphas and betas, winners and losers. No man can stand to be the latter—so a man must dominate, one up, and win everything. A man can’t ever defer. As a man, he must be in control, and he can’t ever do anything a beta (or a woman) would do.

Excerpt From: Lewis Howes. “The Mask of Masculinity.” iBooks.

  1. This has to be one of the strongest misrepresentations of the African American community.  Turn on your TV in America and see a man berating the airways by Lavar Wall, preaching that he’s a man because of whatever reason.  People, especially men, who cry, are not men….period.  I’d have to say a good 70% of American men have this “Stoic” mask on, but luckily I’m not one of them who suffers from it.
  2. On part of the other book I’m doing by Darren Hardy, his father was definitely a representation of the “Athlete Mask.”  Football coach among so many other things taught Darren to be “tough,” but that toughness also equated to amazing habits and unshakable discipline that manifested millions upon millions of dollars.   However, if you look at the “jocks” of high school – you need to have a letterman jacket, a car, and a ton of girls to be considered the “cool guy” of the school.  I still remember a handful of those boneheads that walked around school with their chest out – and all of them are working 10$ hour jobs at the age of 30.  Damn.
  3. INSTAGRAMMERS! How many of you have scene those men, “motivational” (although fake) posts of guys in ultimate, luxurious suits strutting those high end watches in front of Ferraris? Yeah, these are the fakes.  These are the men who seriously believe their bank accounts and being successful only means the dollar signs.  90% of American men MUST suffer from this, because it almost seems like every Instagram post I see has a link that says, “click the link to make six figures.”
  4. This is more of the Generation Z tribe.  I remember also being in school and hearing African Americans (just trying to make a point about a specific group) that would spew sexual rhetoric towards their friends: “did you f*** her yet? Ahhh n*gga you a b****!”  Yeah, welcome to my junior and senior year of high school in North Las Vegas.
  5. Men who club. PERIOD! I believe clubs are grounds for the worst people, including women.  How often do you hear of the “big fight after a night club closed” news?  Go online and type “fight at the club” and hundreds of videos will pop up.  These are men trying to claim their territory, most notable men such as singers Chris Brown and the singer from Canada (completely forgot his name) who got into a massive scrum inside of a nightclub.  Short-tempered thuggery is what I call it, but this also happens at football games in Europe (Serbia) where hooligans throw chairs and all kinds of objects at each other…..for…..nothing.
  6. Yes, and no.  There is a colleague I have that just uses endless amounts of jokes and doesn’t take anything serious. That’s not necessarily a mask, though. There have been a few people that tread this line before, but nothing very blatant.
  7. MY BROTHER! My goodness.  This made me laugh out loud.  Drinking, smoking, etc…he also has the know-it-all-mask.  Try telling him anything and he wants to argue to the point a fight breaks out.  If the sea looks black, please agree….or else.
  8. Shaquille O’Neal, Kobe Bryant, along with so many other athletes who try showing that they’re “macho” blur out this “Alpha male” bs.  There’s no such thing as Alpha.  If there is, it’s a man who’s beyond insecure to show his true side.  My best friend, who lives in New York, tried being an Alpha male….but there were times I saw his weak side (that he doesn’t want to show).

Podcast

Transcending Those Limiting Beliefs

“Your subconscious mind does not argue with you.  It accepts what your conscious mind decrees.  If you say, “I can’t afford it,” your subconscious mind works to make it true.  Select a better thought.  Decree, “I will buy it.  I accept it in my mind.”

Dr. Joseph Murphy –

Like what I’ve said in my Lisa Nichols podcasts, our beliefs, especially from when we were young, really control what’s going on today.  It could be beliefs about our own capabilities, belief about what it takes to success, beliefs about how we relate with other people, or common everyday beliefs that we see or live by.  Identify those limiting beliefs (Lisa Nichols – https://www.spreaker.com/episode/10255673) and replace them with positive ones that support your success.

What Are Some of Those Limiting Beliefs?

  • I’m not (smart, attractive, rich, old, or young) enough.
  • I’m not worthy.
  • I’m not lovable.
  • Life is hard until you die.
  • Nothing I do is right.
  • You can’t get rich in this profession.
  • There’s aren’t any good men left in this world.

I recall Tony Robbins talking about how severely paid teachers are in America, and then he went on to speak about a Korean American teacher who went from making 60k USD a year to 4 million…just by destroying that limiting belief of you can’t get rich in this profession.

How To Overcome Any Limiting Belief

  1. Identify the limiting belief that you want to change.  Make a list of all of them that are limiting you.  Invite a couple friends over who would also like to accelerate their growth to join you to brainstorm a list of all the things you hear growing up.
  • Money doesn’t grow on trees.
  • Can’t you do anything right?
  • Eat everything on your plate.
  • Act like a lady.
  • People aren’t interested in your problems.

When you’re finished making this list, pick a belief that is still limiting you and take yourself through the remaining steps of the process.

2. Determine how the beliefs limit you.

3. Decide how you would rather be, act, or feel.

4. Create a turnaround statement that affirms or gives you permission to be, act, or feel this new way.

For example:

  1. My negative limiting belief is Thai women hate black men because that’s what I’ve seen my entire life living out here in Thailand.
  2. The way this limits me is I put every human being of the opposite sex in the same category and that’s called generalizing.  It’s untrue that ALL women hate black men.
  3. The way I want to feel is I need to love myself for who I am and what I look like.  The only person that’s creating this reality is me, and if I continue to say something that’s not true, it will continue to happen.  I want to have smiles directed towards me and women talk to me with no race attached to it.
  4. My turnaround statement Thai women absolutely adore and love black men, including myself.

This is one of the most significant limiting beliefs that somewhat lingers in my mind from time-to-time.  This is also an example of what your statement will look like.  My colleague and I will do a podcast of this within the next couple of weeks so you can hear how it works.

Original Podcast: https://www.spreaker.com/episode/9152395

Tim Ferris: 80/20 & Freedom From Futility

Vilfredo Pareto deserves all of the buzz and this isn’t an Oscar joke, either. 😉

He’s famous for the “law of distribution” which is now known as “Pareto’s Law and it basically states this….his mathematical formula was used to demonstrate a grossly uneven but predictable distribution of wealth in society—80% of the wealth and income was produced and possessed by 20% of the population—also applied outside of economics.

If we go to what’s happening on the planet now, 90%+ of the money that’s being earned is owned by 2% of the world’s population (Bob Proctor Circa 2006).  Do you think that’s an accident? That’s no accident.

Well, let’s jut say Tim Ferris was working those hefty 15 hour days – seven days on – no days off.  At the dawn of the day, he was making phone calls to the UK.  When the clock struck 9am, he was making phone calls domestically all over the country before making phone calls from 5pm-12am to Japan and New Zealand.  Just a helpless man with no way out.

Before we get into what happened, here’s a summarised version of Pareto’s Law.

80% of the consequences flow from 20% of the causes.
80% of the results come from 20% of the effort and time.
80% of company profits come from 20% of the products and customers.
80% of all stock market gains are realized by 20% of the investors and 20% of an individual portfolio.

Tim decided to give Pareto’s Law a run for his money, and he succeeded tremendously.

Let’s try putting it this way.  Let’s say you’re a telemarketer making 100 phone calls a day and sending follow up emails along with those phone calls.  I guess that’s what accounts to 15 hours workloads; conversely, you decide to chase only the leads that you were making money from.

Tim evaluated everything, even in terms of advertising, and realized that only 5 of the 100 was actually generating money for him.  For the other 95? He cut loose.  Why?  There wasn’t any revenue that he was chasing.

This goes for my life, too, on a much more personal level.

If you look at these ridiculous social media apps such as tinder and scout, some days (two years ago) I would waste an entire morning trying to have conversation with local women who end up ranting about how bad “black people were” or blocking me.  OOPS! Can I get that time back?

Suddenly, I asked myself, “what’s accounting for more than 80% of my unhappiness? Oh, engagement with foolish human beings within these borders.” When I identified the problem, I literally not only regained my happiness, but the negative thoughts, too.

Since then, I haven’t even thought about people within these borders (which amassed to so much of my bickering time) and now I’m fiercely productive in everything I’m doing, including my personal projects such as writing a book, making a website, and my podcast.

Figure out what your unhappiness is.  Figure out the problem that’s costing you so much valuable time and pleasant conversations with other people.  Once you do, it’s like killing two birds with one stone….and it feels DAMN GOOD! (I’m not a bird killer).

Podcast – https://www.spreaker.com/episode/11186594